As most of you know, I got an Xbox, the ultimate gaming system and chick attractor in the country. My whole idea was to get my buddies to also get one. Although I quietly enjoy playing by myself, knowing that when they get one, I will rule all. So far, I have a list of friends that I would like to see get an Xbox and join me on line. And no, not all of my friends should get one. You see, I would like not only to have a good time while pummeling some stoned out teenager, I would like to win. In order to do that, I have to be very selective of who I pressure to get the box.
For example, my youngest brother in law is a brick salesman. Should he get an Xbox? Absolutely no way, no how. He has no gaming skills what so ever. Part of my prescreening criteria for playing is to see how they handle the TV remote. He is no Steffi Graff. To ask him to play would be like asking that kid who really sucked balls to play baseball. It’s sweet, we all know, but no one wants to play with the kid. And opportunities should be for everyone. But you don’t see the Yankees calling up Mr. Swing and Whiff do you? That would be my brother in law. It would be better if he just gave his 300 bucks to the city zoo, as he is a non gaming monkey. In short, I don’t trust him to watch my virtual back when the alien hord is coming down my DSL line.
My other brother in law may have some talent. This is my wife’s oldest brother. It’s latent talent to be sure, but it’s still there. I think the desire and passion is there, but what about his thumb control. Can he handle a variety of games, other than sports gaming? But every team needs a person like this. His role on team Hossman would be to go out into the open areas and get shot, therefore alerting the rest of us where the bad guys are. Completely expendable. Government gaming is no different than the real thing. He would be the team Gimp if you will. We’ll say “Bring out the Gimp”. He’ll go charging forward, die an honorable death and we’ll clean up the mess. His gaming widow would receive a monthly stipend, praise Allah.
The big push in recruitment are for two that I call the twins. They are in no way related, nor do they even look alike. I already have their gammer tags picked out. They would be known as Hummer and Ebay. What kind of great duo is that! That’s like Crocket and Tubbs or Shake and Bake. They would be the hammer of team Hossman. The assassins lurking behind every digital rock. Both are great gamers, they just need to upgrade to the newest generation. Quick reflexes, excellent hand eye coordination, and a hatred of everything alien. I’ve got them pegged to join us soon. The number one factor for recruitment comes into play here. I look for people that, perhaps, may be a little isolated from dude time. Both are married, one with kids. They live far enough away that we don’t see them much, but close enough to not make the effort. The Hummer and Ebay shall ride again!
However, I need some more operation Darkie here. You know, someone to go a little secret service and jump in front of some bullets for me. This is where my final brother in law comes in. He’s married to my sister. I thought I had him recruited for sure, but alas, a new flat panel TV caught his eye and that was it. His gaming skills are unknown to me, but he’s solid. I have no doubt that he would put in the required practice and fit in nicely. I often wander if I like him more because he treats my little sister well or if I’m just desperate to get team Hossman up and running. Then I realize it’s more for the team. As president, I’ve got to take into account all of my people. The needs of the many, out weigh the needs of the few, that kind of thing. He shall be the Constant Gardener, continually growing the seeds of victory.
Finally, I need my ace in the hole. I need to dig deep, grab that grizzled vet that some people may have forgotten about. The one that maybe playing for the CFL that is the PS2. I need Yoda from the Vegaba system. Yoda currently resides just a few short blocks from me and is a life long friend. In our younger years, the best gaming skills I have ever seen. We would stay up all night playing, then go to church. He once beat me in a game 20+ times in a row. I got so mad, I punched him. True story. That’s the guy I need, the sniper in the back window with nerves of steel and thumbs of fury. His life long ambition, and I quote, is for “peace and quiet”. What better way to tune out the world than to flop on the headset and go shooting Nazis in France. Hell, it’s like a vacation!
So far my recruiting drive is falling way short of projected goals. I have made posters, gotten endorsements from famous gamers such as Fatality, and even tried some black mail. No luck so far. My wife says that I’m like a dope dealer with my pushing to join me online. I disagree, pushers have no plan of victory in a Galaxy far far away. Also, I use my own product to an addictive level, so I don’t think I would make a good pusher. However, if I could get them to try it just once, for free, I have no doubt they would be repeat customers.
I figure that I have basically laid the foundation for a desire for the xbox with my future team. I’ve promoted this so much, Microsoft should put me on retainer. They’re suspect I tell you. What have I done? Well, first off, I’ve identified the weakest most easily influenced. The ones that have the correct mindset to want this. I’ve targeted ones that are married. If they have kids, even better. This means that most of their free time is spent talking about communication and how can they improve themselves with their wives or chasing around the kiddo who JUST HAS TO pet the cat in a violent way. They are the ones that when the wife says “Honey, we need to go see my family” they quietly think “Beatdown”. They consider themselves blessed if they are able to watch an entire football game without interruption and without Tivo. The damn chores can wait I tell you!
But the biggest factor in choosing who to recruit—lack of quality dude time. This means physical isolation from their previous hangouts and the cancellation of Poker Night, as we have already described. This is where it comes in. The twins live south of hell, isolation for sure. One of brother in laws lives 2 clicks east of the Makong Delta and is experiencing economic sanctions. Which is my way of saying that he just had another kid. The rest are scattered here and there.
Once the canadates are chosen, I choose different marketing ploys to implement my scheme. It is a combination of direct mailers and high pressured sales with more subtle hints thrown in. This blog for instance. The topper of my plan—an xbox party. Think a Tupperware party, only with alien justice being served. It’ll be a nice quiet evening and all of a sudden, “oh, look, there is my xbox. Shall we have a short jaunting game?” That’s the hook. A no pressure test drive. I’m sure once they get a taste, it’s all money from there. They will go home and make a manly decision. They’ll say “honey, if it’s alright with you, I’m going to get an xbox”. They will then throw a 2 year old tantrum, with coaching from the actual 2 year old when the wife says no. Then they’ll go out and buy one anyway and hide it from her until she checks the bank statement but by then, it’s to late. I know, it’s quite devious. But I’m not finished.
The final part of the plan—pull on the heart strings. Start a charity. Who can argue with that. Name it something that no one can have a problem with. I therefore announce my Charity “Stop kicking puppies and helping single lepers provide for their family”. Please read the fine print. The fine print will say that this is for the Gimp, please don’t judge us. All we want is to be able to spend a little time NOT talking about what was on Oprah or how there is a new reality show called Top Designer that WE must watch together. Seriously, all we want to do is drink a little and for the love of god, have a little “peace and quiet”………………………………..while destroying alien hordes.
Please donate now.