The Xbox Diaries--The United Nations

I have no doubt that Xbox can bring ever lasting peace to this world. It could cure the conflicts in the Persian Gulf, bring an end to any future cold wars and settle marriage disputes. This a tall order, I know, but the Xbox is better than the UN.

In the online gaming world I ventured, I joined a game that I thought was pretty innocent at first. I had to play quick as my kid was napping and could wake up at any time.

The first voice I heard once I joined the game was an Irishman. I am assuming he was from Ireland because his accent was very thick and very cool. My wife immediately wanted to sleep with him. The next two voices that I heard were from Brittan. The smack talk was full on by the time I had gotten there. This excited me because it was not directed at me therefore allowing me to eavesdrop behind my virtual curtain like some peeping tom. It was great.

As always, there was some mother references but then the nationality references came in. It occurred to me then that perhaps I had stumbled onto some weird IRA vs The Queen grudge match. As I didn’t know the number for the state department, I decided to go ahead and represent the good ol’ USA myself. My diplomatic stance would be my chainsaw.

Citing the Boston Tea Party and the treacherous B. Arnold, I joined the Irishman in a new Gears game. They called me a lazy yank and I told them to get bent. I have a little bit of Irish blood in me, although diluted of course with democratic red white and blue freedom. . When I told Mickey Mcirish this I don’t think he was overly impressed, but he did seem eager to whip a little uppity British ass.

No one can cuss and talk smack like an Irishman. It was great. There were sheep references that I actually felt embarrassed to listen to. There was tea-bagging all over the place. It was a very intense round. I held my own and saved the Irish bastard several times. I asked him questions while we played. Like does it rain a lot, do you drink uncontrollably, and what exactly is a soccer hooligan.

He took it all in stride as we creamed the Brits back to the mother world. I told them to choke on my declaration of Hossman while I ignored taunts of the “Iraqi” situation.

The dispute was settled. The forces of good once again triumph.

Since then I have played several games where the nationalities come merging together like a big congealed mass of alien hatred. My favorite had to be the Australian kid. He couldn’t be more than 12 but he was funny as all hell. Imagine a “God Dammit” being said in that accent but with a high pitched voice. There was a little bit of ridicule but he took it very well.

And in general, most hate Americans. And like most of my country men my reply was the same: Suck it. And yes, I reminded everyone that without the USA they would all be speaking Russian so pony up the respect.

The last game I played was a bit of departure from Gears. It’s Call of Duty, a classic WWII game, Allies Vs. Axis. What made this so great was that we played with a Frenchman. It was all U.S. players beside him. So we did what we always do, we shot him. He was on our team, but no one seemed to care. I noticed that we love to rub it in, make it sting a little bit.

I swear, I got caught up in the mob mentality. My character couldn’t help it, he was following orders. The grenade just went off, I promise. Have you ever heard a Frenchman cuss. That is some funny stuff. I never understood a single word he said.

It dawned on me then that I was representing my country. That I was the spokesman for 250 million people. That my actions would dictate everyone’s attitude to this county. I am like Jesus, just not in a sacrilegious way.

I began to make amends and promote a positive on-line. I built a coalition you might say. Before I shot someone, I would sing a few bars of God Bless America so that the last thing they hear is freedom. I would offer safe asylum to anyone that crossed sides, then shoot them when they did so to remind them that freedom isn’t free. I offered free tips on how to marry to become a citizen and reminded them that our borders are completely secure.

That is about the time that the Korean kid came out of no where and blew my head off, offering some taunt that I sure as hell couldn’t understand. It always comes back to the Communists.

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