Come brothers, gather at my feet and I shall instruct you. Your wife is pregnant and you wish to know how to handle the trials and tribulations that have befallen you. Listen to my voice of experience as my wife is also with child and I have done this once before. Take heed from my mistakes and write down Hossman’s Ten Commandments of Pregnancy.
1. Realize that everything is your fault eventually. Accept this and move on. You got her pregnant. You don’t clean the house. You don’t listen to her needs. You play to much xbox. You can’t cook to save your life. Here is the reality: It is all true. You can’t do any of those things and you love xbox. It is in your DNA. Do not point out that you were like this prior to the pregnancy. Do not take any of this personally, after all you are the bastard that did this to her.
2. Hire a maid. I don’t care if you have to get a second job, get a maid. Everything else is secondary. You can’t clean the toilet to her satisfaction. This is where she pukes when the morning sickness comes, so bite down and get the maid.
3. Go to bed before 8pm. This one is hard as a lot of us don’t like to go to bed before the sun sets. Here is the solution. Go to bed, read a book until she falls asleep. Then get up and go finish watching Busty Cops II by yourself, where it is more enjoyable anyway. When she wakes up, immediately tell her that you enjoyed going to bed that early and that you were with her all night, even if you didn’t come to bed until 3 am because Alien Marauders invaded your Xbox universe. If she catches you coming to bed, tell her that you just went to the bathroom. And for god sakes, play the Xbox on MUTE!
4. Inform the neighbors that your wife is pregnant and if they hear something in the middle of the night, to ignore it. Why this? Because in about month number 7 you are going to go out into the backyard and scream “FUCK!” just to get it out of your system. It’s just stress relief and does not require the cops. You have been up with her every night when she pukes, your cleaning, your cooking, your doing all your normal chores, trust me, you are going to need this.
5. Hold her hair when she pukes. Honestly, just suck it up and do it even if it is past midnight and you have a big meeting. Have a wet washcloth handy and a glass of spitting water.
6. Don’t answer any question like you normally would. If she asks if you like it when she is 8 months pregnant, you think, then say yes. If she asks if she is to hard on you, so no dear, you are just doing your part. If she asks why your genes are causing the child to kick her so hard and she can’t sleep, you say it is because that he can’t wait to come out and meet his mother. If you can get away with it, mumble every opportunity you can get.
7. Go to the OB/GYN office. I know, this is massively weird. You are a pervert and everyone knows it. Go anyway! It makes her feel better and atleast you get to hear the heartbeat of your future minion. Yes, you will have to use words like vaginal sonogram and talk about bowel movements. It’s weird, but you need to be Mr. Question for her when it comes down to it. She’ll have people poking in her like they are making a jack-o-lantern and her head might not always be there. And no, it’s not ok to punch the doctor when he is checking out your wife.
8. Fight till your last breath against using a midwife or a natural birth. I mean this and I don’t care what kind of crap I get for this. Why is this? It makes YOUR life that much harder. Have you ever seen the anger that comes out of a wife when she hasn’t had an epidural? Dude, you don’t need that. My wife actually got up and started to walk away before she got her epidural. Trust me on this. And a midwife? Nope, no way. I like it that it will cost 80,000 dollars to have a baby, that let’s me know that I’m using doctors and not the voodoo shaman. Fuck it, I have good insurance, let’s use it! So no, we will not be having my future all star linebacker in the Lovejoy birthing tub, you freak.
9. Eat your vegetables you fat bastard. Look, she has to eat right. To do that, you have to eat right. Her and your awesome kid need the nutrients, which means a lot of green stuff. Find out how to cook some broccoli and how to choke it down. She’ll won’t do it unless you do it, so suck it up. No cheese, no beer chaser, choke it down whole. You can eat your Taco Beuno at lunch at work but tell her you had a salad. You need to create team solidarity here, that means you better get to liking those sprouts, chump
10. Accept that your position is thankless and you will never receive any credit, ever. Try bringing up with any woman, ever, everything you did during the pregnancy. You will get the smackdown WWF style. A chair will be thrown at your head. You’ll be reminded that she did all the hard work and that infact, you were lucky to be included. Never mind that it is your child as well. You’ll be so quickly pushed aside that an extra in Braveheart will get more credit than you. But your Dad, and that’s your job. Get a job, put a roof up, pay for some grub, and support the family. All the other guys out there will know what you went through and secretly admire you for it. We won’t tell you though, that makes us feel gay.
Now go forth and multiply.