I am about to embarrass my wife. I do this intentionally and of my own free will. On my tombstone please write “He made us laugh”. However, like a school that is being investigated I shall now pay up pre-emptively. Following are some postsecrets about myself. I figure that when she reads this, it’s coming out anyway.
I sneeze when I look at the sun or when a pimple is popped on my forehead. I cry at any movie that has to do with a father and daughter or the loss of either one. I have a very nervous stomach that has made itself known at very inappropriate times. I once pooped on a neighbors fence. I drive like an 85 year old—slow and erratic. I was drunk when I took my wedding vows. I have to buy shoes that make my feet look slim, otherwise I am self conscious that my feet look fat—seriously. I absolutely love the song “not ready to make nice” by the Dixie Chicks. I am a seriously flawed individual. Ok, that should about do it for my public humiliation although I’m sure that my wife will bring out more after she reads this.
Most people know about sleep walking. It’s a pretty common sight at times and most of us have done it at one time or another. Everyone knows that there are a select few individuals that talk in their sleep. You know, scream a name, say a phrase, things of that nature. But my question to you: How many of you have ever heard about someone have an actual, full fledged conversation while asleep. I’m not talking about just saying a few things. I’m talking about making a statement, getting a questions asked, and then answering it. This is my wife and this usually happens weekly. It is my absolute favorite hobby and activity that we do together. Of course, my wife is unconscious during all this.
Most nights my wife falls asleep much sooner that I do. She is the type that loves to go to bed at around 9:00pm. Which I find very weird because in college she would never go to bed before sunrise. I have thought at times that this must mean that she is bored with me and that I provide no excitement to our lives. Then I realize that we have a kid together and that she has to stay with me forever. Let’s face it, how could I not get custody? I can live in a loveless marriage as long as that included someone buying the clothes for me. It’s an arrangement that works out well.
Her problem is that she can’t fall asleep unless I’m in bed with her. Or more accurately, it has been pointed out to me that it will be my problem if I’m not in bed with her. I don’t know what this means, but I find it is healthy for me to be in bed when she goes. It helps that I have the Xbox next to my bed. Not only is it good for playing alone, but good for cuddling when I’m lonely. The motherboard is so warm. Needless to say, I go to bed when appropriate. I usually read for about an hour or something of that nature. This allows my wife to quietly and peacefully doze off, dreaming of her real husband.
This is when my night gets good. Out of no where, she will make the most bazaar statement. At first it was so shocking that I didn’t know what she was talking about. Her voice is loud and clear, it’s as if we had been talking all night. There is no yawning, no grumbling. It’s as clear as HDTV. I kid you not. But the subject is so out there, that unless you know what is going on you may think that you have just been insulted. I have learned in my 12 years with my wife to recognize this for what it is—sleep conversation fun times. It’s the tone of voice and the subject of the question that tips me off. So what do I do? I answer and then ask a question.
But this isn’t where it stops. This can go on for a good 15 to 20 minutes. It’s like the exorcist. She’s possessed, I must call the preacher in the morning. Let me give you an example of our most recent sleepy time fun:
“Did you kiss her” she asks.
Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. It’s go time I think. It’s around 10 at night and I’m reading a book. I have never cheated on my wife, haven’t kissed anyone else in 13 years and am feeling indignant at such a question. Time for some revenge.
“Who do you mean” I reply
This is going to be so great.
“Fiona the horse you mean? Yup, got that done today.”
“That’s good, she needed it.” She says as clear as day.
“In fact, I did that after I put the flowers in the radio. It was great.”
“The radio needed flowers” Snore ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
And that’s the end of the conversation. I asked another question but couldn’t get another answer out of her.
So how do I know that she’s really asleep. Well, she never remembers when I talk to her about it in the morning and I can also hear her snoring after each question usually. Not a big grizzly one, just a small one, enough to know that she’s asleep.
I have used this disability to my great advantage. It’s how I get most of the games for my Xbox. She will start by saying something like “Did you see the blimp.”
“I sure did. In fact, can I go get the new 85 dollar game tomorrow, the moose said it was ok.”
“Sure, as long as the moose said it was ok.”
Bam, I got a new game and permission to blow money on it. How can you argue with that?
This just doesn’t happen at 10 at night either. This has happened at 3 in the morning, on many, many different occasions. She’ll wake me up with questions because she hasn’t gotten me to answer yet. Once she bolted straight up in bed, eyes closed.
“Where do we keep the widgets”
“Where should they be” I’m trying not to laugh but I’m about to pee myself.
“They should be with the munchkins! Stop laughing and go get them!”
“I just put them up. How about letting the dog get them.”
Then, in a very exasperated voice she says “The dog can’t do it! Why would you do that to the DOG!”
I’m in full out gut busting mode now. I can’t help it, it’s just to good. I know that we could go on for hours like this. It’s where I get most of the ideas for my stories. She never remembers anything she says about it in the morning but sees only the after effects. It can be very awkward for her. She once had a roommate in college that she did this to. The roommate moved out the next morning. Greatness. She seems very offended when I tell her in the morning what happened. Doesn’t she realize that this is comic genius?
The best is when she wakes up halfway in the conversation. We may have been talking about building Paris on Mars and all of a sudden her eyes will pop open. She’ll stop what she is saying in mid-sentence, trying to figure out why she was talking and what she was talking about. She then realizes what happened and huffs over on her side, cussing me all the way. So worth it.
I know that I am messing with her dreams. I know that they must be jacked up after a 20 minute conversation with me like this. Sometimes I try to plant dream ideas to her to see if it works. I’ll just start talking when she’s sleeping. If I get an answer, I know that it is happy fun time in her head. “Did you see the carebears going over the rainbow today. That was pretty cool.” I’ll keep at this them until I hear “But the little one got left behind.” Pay dirt. Let’s continue this, shall we—
“Where did they get left behind at?”
“In the bus.”
“In the bus to candyland” I ask
“No the one going to Hogwarts.”
One of these days I’m going to whip out the video camera. I know that it may be the end of my marriage. But hey, I always have Fiona standing by.