Little Ms. Chompers

I am living a parents nightmare.

My daughter was at her party, enjoying the hoopla. There was a fellow one year old with her. This is what I imagine what went through her head.

“Hmmm, that girl sure is a lot of hair. I wonder what it tastes like”.

Then my daughter bit her and bit her hard.

It is at this particular time, when our guest is screaming like a vampire victim, that I admit to myself that my daughter is a biter.

My daughter got her teeth early and we have a grand total of 8 chompers in that little vice of pain. I don’t know why I ignored the biting but I have a suspicion of where she got it from. Our fat cat.

Our cat hates my wife, can’t stand her. She loves me so I never much cared. She also appears to dig on my daughter, just hates my wife. She hates her so much that she has actually done sneak attacks when my wife is sleeping. I always thought that this was funny, my wife not so much so. I can hear my cat making little prison shives out of the toothbrushes in the bathroom at night. Isn’t that sweet. But I never thought that she would recruit my daughter into this. It’s like a cult.

My daughter didn’t know what to do with her teeth at first. It took her a while before she got the taste of man flesh. She took a chunk out of my wife who seemed shocked. The look on Hossmom’s face made the little gremlin laugh and we have gone on from there. She has taken chomps out of a table, anything on the floor, my chest hair and a dog. Now let’s add one kid in that line up right there and you get where we are at.

I have tried doing the same things with her that I have done with the dogs. I put something sour on my finger. She couldn’t get enough of it, then asked me tequila shot and salt.

Ok, plan 2. Chastise her. “no” I say. “No what?” She seems to ask.

Moving on. I thought about putting a mouth gaurd on her, wife wouldn’t let me. Although the first time she took a chomp during breast feeding might have changed her mind.

I know that everything is a new discovery for her and I know that a lot of kids go through this. But now that she is a man eater, I feel that she has escalated this test of wills a little bit. We have gone through these before. When she was younger there were times that she would cry just to cry. I promptly told her that I could sit here all night until she goes to sleep and that she would get tired of this before I did. The contest started and lasted roughly 2 months. It was harrowing, insults may have been tossed. My wife kept me hydrated and supported as I reasoned with my 5 month year old child.

“you are tired, you and I both know it, just give in” I would say.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” she would reply.

“that makes no sense. Bed time is good time, you know it, I know it, the dog knows it.”

“AAAAAAAA, cough cough, AAAAAAAAAAAA, you are a bad dad” She said.

“Well, that’s just mean. Don’t say things you will regret.” I shot back.

“AAAAAAAAA” stop and look at random light on the ceiling “AAAAAAAA”

“If you go to bed right now I will get you a pony and Beyonce to sing at your sweet 16”

Bingo, that did it.

But how to deal with this biting as I watch another child scream for the cops. My daughter’s record will have an assault charge before she can even get out of diapers. How many victims do there have to be before this rampage is over? I am the father of a biter. The family honor has been disgraced. I fear that the other parents cast me dirty looks because of this. How do I know. Because that is what I would do. You mean your punk little kid just bit my daughter? I must now whip someone, please get in line.
As we find a way to work this out I’ve got her meeting religious people at my door. I either get rid of them quickly or they perform an exorcism. It’s win win.

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