Join the Cult, save a life

Take a look to the left of this post. You should see a link called "The Hossman Cult." Go ahead and click on it if you want to join me in greatness. Take the Blue Pill, Neo, take the blue pill.

Basically, as I understand it, it is a way for you become a follower of this blog and it is part of my worldwide plan to become a Tax Exempt entitiy. If Rush Limbaugh can have a bunch of nut job crazies following his every bowel movement, why can't I? As I write this, there is only one follower and that follower is me. That is part of the philosphy of this cult, I follow my own lead.

It's just one of the new features that I have added to the new look of the blog. If you look below the Cult link you will also see a way to suscribe to the blog. Sign up for that and you will be notified when a new blog is posted instead of checking this site out 1000 times a day and then having crushing anxiety attacks when nothing is posted. That's another part of the Cult philosphy--help out the little guy but don't drink the juice. We don't drink tainted juice here, our juice is 100% poison free. Maybe not baby vomit free but that won't kill you, just give you the runs a little bit.

I wish I could take most of the credit for the new look of the blog but sadly, I can't. I can't because I have the fashion sense of a blind monkey with the color cordination of roadkill. I often tell people I am color blind when they asked me why I dressed the way I did. I'm not. I can very much tell the difference between green and red. What you see is just very poor choices in clothing that I tend to make when not under the supervision of my wife.

I once bought a pair of plastic shoes. And not cool crocs. No, this was back in 1993 and they were plastic and purple. I thought they were cool and went great with my Brad Pitt hair. Sadly, they were not and now I've lost my hair as a direct result of my poor fashion sense. So I leave all the "look" of things to Hossmom when ever possible. So she sat down and took my constructive critiscm (That sucks!) and redid the look of my blog for me. Most of it was finished when she told me to get away or she would resort to violence. That didn't work so then she threatened to reveal my most inner secrets. I said hey, I blog, I have no more secrets. I once took a crap on a neighbors fence because I couldn't hold it until I got home. It wasn't a prank, I just couldn't make it. I was 24. What secrets do I have left?

So finally she started to pull out chest hairs, my one weakness, until I left her alone and there you go--the new look of the blog. I got a makeover, rock on.

Some of it is still under construction, such as links to other blogs, but should get there pretty soon because I know that you guys that are working need something to do 7 hours a day besides working. Hey, I used to sit at my computer and read all day, do an hour or real work, then go back to reading other blogs. Don't be shocked, you do that shit too, we all know it.

When the Cult is up and running, all members will recieve white robes and we will begin to vote on politics making us an official "Voting Block" that needs to be catered to. What will we vote for? Paying stay at home dads. That's our one issue so jump on board. If you don't, then my kids will grow up to be motorcycle houligans and ride thier bikes in convience stores and not pay taxes. Do you really want the responsiblity of that? What a bad bad person you all. Ok, I gotta go now because Little Hoss is hurling cat food across the room and making the dogs chase it. Not that I mind it that much, but she's also eating it and I should really stop that. It's the first step to houligany.


My Comeback

Well, I’m back. A month and a half off and I’m back in the virtual world where I am a Viking and not a slightly overweight yet ruggedly handsome middle aged stay at home dad.

I stick by the ruggedly handsome part, even though my wife recently described me, when asked if I was handsome “Well, he grows on you.”

So basically I am a fungus that grows on you and takes care of your kids. Let’s see fucking mushrooms do that.

Thanks Hossmom for the vote of confidence.

I swear to God that I’ll go and put on the letter jacket and get so much wool that I could open a Chinese sweatshop making knock-off Gucci G-Strings. Because let’s face it, I’m the kind of guy that would get a kick out of making women’s panties.

And I grow on you.

But because I am a stay at home dad and don’t have the time for the intricate inner politics of a G-string factory, I am returning to blogging. I do realize that my month off has cost me some of my readers, probably a lot of readers as they have not been content to read old stories. Hey, that’s ok, I will lure new readers.

XXX, Teen First Time Nude Virgin Sluts Free Hardcore Porn.

And there you go, I should be sufficiently searched on all the search engines to bump my readership right up to one of the most read blogs in the universe. Good to have you all here, stick around a little, enjoy the funny fat man making funny stories with his kids.

My daughter, Little Hoss, jumped on my balls today. See, there you go. A comedy clasic, I'm full of them.

So what have I been doing this last month. Mainly sleeping. But besides that, finishing the move that my family and I have decided it was time for. In a period of 5 months, Hossmom and myself decided to have another kid (Bubba Hoss), quit my job, wife start a new job, and move to a new state. Fantastic decisions. I herby officially change my hair status from “Going Bald” to “Completely fucking hairless.”

But that’s not all I was doing. I was living life and getting material to write about so that my wife will continue to think I am funny and not divorce my ass because let’s face it, as a stay at home dad now I would be totally fucked. Not only would I not get the kids in any divorce but I doubt I would get any alimony as well. Half only applies if you have boobs.

The kids like me better though, that should count for something.

Imagine what you would do if you didn’t have a job, pretty much unlimited time and two kids to use as an excuse to do what you want to do? What would you do?

Let me tell you what I did: I am the fucking king of the plastic ball pit. Slides are more fun when you are 30. The pool kicks ass at 9:30 on a Tuesday. Naps after lunch are better than budget meetings after lunch. Hot moms love dads that actually take care of their kids and who forget their wedding rings on occasion. Civil War museums and battlefields count as continuing education. Mixing yellow play-do and red play-do do not make green play-do but does a hell of a job of staining the carpet. And singing “She’ll be coming around the mountain” 5,000 times starts to grow on you like black mold or a blogging husband. I am living the American dream. Suck it.

And what does all that get me? Qualified to be the V.P., that’s what. I’m waiting for my phone call, bucko. Fuck it, I've seen Mexico, that counts as experience.

The new blogs will start this week and continue until my dominance is unquestioned and I break the internet. Or until I get tired of it, which ever comes first.

Enjoy the new look and enjoy, I’ll do my best.


New Blogs Coming

Thanks for the month off, it's been great being able to get my house in order and take a short break. I know that I lost alot of readers but if you love them, they will come back and worship at my fat feet.

New blogs are coming next week, getting things together now. For those that have been waiting I appreciate your willingness to stick with us during these tough econimic times. Also, does Palin bother the shit out of anyone else besides me?