My Paper Plate Kingdom

I live in a paperplate world because I am a slob.

I am one of the unclean, one of the dirty. I am the leper of clean households. I have no skills when it comes to housework. I have let dishes pile, floors go un-vacummed and do not ask me about the bathroom.

Remarkably, I am ok with this much to the chargrin of my wife’s family. The word “hypocrite” may come to mind when I talk about this but I usually let this go for family harmony. However, just so they know—I have working tittles called “I never feed the dog” , “Let’s throw trashcans at people” and the ever popular “I can’t get my car inspected until it is 8 months past due” on the books right now. All secrets will be revealed here.

This was my attitude in college. Clean? Bah humbug I say! That would take away from my sleep time. Have you seen my new game, that takes first priority, the dishes will be their tomorrow unless I am able to push back the alien hoards today! This is true, I kid you not, we decided to put a big 30 gallon trashcan in the middle of the living room rather than clean. It was a lifestyle that required my roommates and I to continueally drink. This was also about the time I left a glass of milk in my bedroom for over a year. It was under my bed. I’m not proud of this, but yet it is true.

But, as in everything else, my daughter decided that this was not conducive to family living. This began when my wife was about a month pregnant and got morning sickness. She no longer had the will to clean which left it all to me. I was a bit of a freak during pregnancy. Hossmom was not allowed to life anything, not to clean the cat box and not to give me any backtalk whatsoever about rule 1 and 2. Oddly, she did not.

So for a good week I scrubbed, cleaned and called down the thunder of hossman cleaning. The dirt and grime was tricky, it was manipulative and cruel. But no match for me!

My wife soon began commenting on all the spots and things I have missed. It was then that I discovered that I had a disability. It’s call I can’t see dirtious. I have no idea what is going on. I would clean, my wife would then come in and asked if I had cleaned. If the answer is yes, then I haven’t cleaned enough. I was also doing all the cooking and other chores, so my world quickly went to shit.

But I am guided by logic. I know my shortcomings and embrace them.

I hired a maid. Best 80 bucks I ever spent. It’s been almost 2 years now and we still have her. She has been my life saver and I have written her into my will.

This still left the problem on what to do when the maid was not there. My dishwashing skills have gotten no better. I was terrified that child services would pay a house call one day and see my dishes in the sink. “We’ll be taking the kid, thank you.” Yank, I am no longer superdad.

But superdad always has a solution. And thus the solution was paper plates and cups. These very well may be the greatest invention ever. We eat every meal on paper plates. I have no shame in this. My house is clean, suck it. There are no dishes in the sink, there is no food sitting out. My dogs lick up whatever spills, the rest goes in the trash. By making one bold move I have taken care of mopping, sweeping, dish washing, drying AND I save on electricity.

I am a humanitarian, I am conserving electricity. It’s you people out there that give us a bad name.

My wife does not always enjoy this. I have proposed we even use paper plates when we have guests. My wife acts like she is shocked, although there is that slight thought that it would be ok. Why put on a false face to those on the outside. This is who I am, the Paper Plate King, love me for it.

My wife is now pregnant again. We still have the maid and we are still using the paper plates. I am much more prepared this time. For the future, I am suggesting that we wrap the counters in plastic and then tear it off weekly. Bam, no more dirty counter tops.

My genius is staggering.