She is the greatest character actor ever. She has played so many roles that she makes Heston’s work look like a weekend community theater. She has been passed over by the academy more times than that Soap Opera Star (her name escapes me but the joke still works). She has worked on every continent and knows many high class Hollywood people. She only works with the hossman family, but that has not held her career back as I am very funny and write only staring roles. You may have never heard of her, but that may be because you can’t tell who it is behind the makeup. She has been staring in the stories I write my wife for 4 years and has never yet failed to give an Oscar winning performance. She has a tragic childhood, the tears well up in your eyes every time you hear it.
She was a country girl out in small town Texas. She didn’t like her home so she ran away like Tom Sawyer. She tried to find a river for her raft but only came to a lake. As she didn’t know the difference between a lake and a river, she assumed that she had hit paydirt. She had no thumbs and thus couldn’t build a raft. She had no formal education so she couldn’t reason out that fat floats and she should just jump in. She was no more than 6 weeks old when she left, but she had powerful instincts. The nights were cold and the days were lonely. One day, as she was foraging for some potato chips in a ditch, she was rescued by a very sweet couple. They decided to take the orphan in. The parallels to superman are uncanney. She possessed super human gobbling powers that the new foster parents knew that they couldn’t cope with. That is when we received the call.
The Hossman family packed up and went to see her. She immediately went and sat in my lap, earning my loyalty forever. I also had a Twinkie, but I choose to think that that had nothing to do with it. It may have also been the 110 pound German Shepherd that was prowling, but she knew that safety lay within Hossman’s pudge. We couldn’t help it, we took her home and a star was born.
She has since stared in such classic Hossman Family stories such as “The Fat Belly Newt Commeth”, “The Fat Belly VS Evil Cat”, and the all time family classic “Are you going to eat that.” She has helped write each of her scripts, plotted her scenes, and even does charity work by eating my daughter’s cheerios off the floor so that I don’t have to sweep.
Her first big break came in the nominated classic “Dear God, give me a Binkie”. In this role, she refined her screen style by constantly chewing up anything around the house. It was a social protest to bring light to the lack of edible cow hooves, or “Binkies”, that we had. Dramatic, compelling, fat—a blockbuster. She gave a startling performance as the down beaten character that must right a wrong. She was imprisoned, but would not give up her fight, learning to jump the laundry basket that was in her way. Many tears were shed at the premier.
Since then, she has gone by many names. She is known as the following: The Fat Belly Newt, The wrath of Newt, Newt-licious, Newt-cicle, Newt-arrific, The taming of the Newt, Newt-zilla. She now goes just her initials: FBN
She has played so many roles in the Hossman Family stories that many are lost to posterity. They have been stolen and redistributed, a clear infringement on copyright laws. She has done short stairway plays as well as the big budget flicks. She gives nightly barking serenades to the neighbors. She teaches an exercise class to the cats.
However, she has done some work that she isn’t quite proud of. When she was trying to get her first start, she headlined a lesser known flick called “Humping the Boxer.” It was a gritty, low budget feature that questioned the normal roles of sexuality of a species. With biting, growling and constant panting, it was a straight to DVD release. She gave a riveting performance as the lesbian outcast and did her first nude scene.
When not on the big screen, she likes to spend her time helping raise the Little Hoss of the family and digging holes under my fence. She enjoys a nice quiet nap, rubbing her butt on the floor and chewing on walls. She has her own local cable access show called “The Newt and Kahn Comedy hour” which culminates with her knocking me in the crotch. She has big mascara eyes and a gut that almost drags the floor. She occasionally likes to dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening, and growl when no one is actually there.
Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present, the one, the only, the Hossman Family Dog:
The fabulous Fat Belly Newt.