The Case Against Hossmom

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury. First off, I want to thank you for your time. I know it's been a long trial and that you must be missing your families by now so I'll be brief as I possibly can.

You've heard testimony now from all sides. You've heard the defense try to poke holes in our case. You've heard experts talk about things such as shoe prints and leverage. You've heard testimony form all parties involved. In this summation, I'll put it simply for you. I'll lay out the facts of the case, the things we know. From there it will be easy to do your duty and find for the state in the matter of Hossmom VS. The State of Reason.

It's really very simple. If you get rid of all the fancy lawyer speech and see this for what it is, then there is no way that you cannot find Hossmom guilty of plant murder. That's right ladies and gentlemen, she is a menace to plants, to gardens to anything green.

On or about Sunday afternoon Hossmom killed yet another defenseless plant. A brutal and cold blooded slaying in which she shows no remorse. And the worst part ladies and gentle people of the jury, this isn't the first time.

I believe that we, the state, have shown that she is not only a plant murderer but also a serial plant murderer. She has a history that establishes a pattern. I bring you attention to exhibit one, the empty herb garden planters box.

Hossman bought this, along with the whole kit, to grow a herb garden for his family to enjoy. He thought it would be a good project for him and his kids to do on the back porch. But Hossman is not a genius, that he freely admitted on the stand. He left the supplies out for a little bit before starting the project. During this time Hossmom decided that she would do it herself with the kids. What started as a playful project ended in herb genocide. Not only did she throw the different seeds just where ever she wanted, she forgot to label any of them so that the family would know which herb was which.

And what did she do when she was confronted? She sent Little Hoss out on the back porch unsupervised. You know what happened next from the grisly photos. Christ, it was like putting a hungry lion with lame gazelle. The carnage was unnecessary but suited her purpose: to destroy the evidence.

But one act does not make a pattern. So fast forward to earlier this year.

Previously Hossman, under direction of his wife to "make me a garden", planted a ton of flowering bulbs. This takes time and planting. They have to be planted in the fall, for 6 months you have to wait to see if you did it right, and you have to pray that it grows. Well, a daffodil did grow. It was beautiful, you've seen the pictures. For 6 months Hossman waited and cultivated on these precious little flowers. On these precious little innocent flowers.

However, shortly thereafter as Hossmom was insisting to help in the garden again, she viciously and savagely crushed that little daffodil under the boot of her oppression. The reason she gave this time: She didn't see it. I know folks, doesn't seem plausible that you couldn't see a bright yellow flower. Maybe she's color blind, I don't know. But the fact remains that she stamped the life right out of it and thus all of Hossman's hard work.

And finally ladies and gentlemen, to the case at hand. Hossmom once again insisted on helping with the garden. Hossman suggested that maybe she stay inside and clean the house. Or perhaps that she go on a vacation to Cancun. But no, she wanted to help. Perhaps he didn't protest enough here. Perhaps he didn't do enough to protect the garden. Like I said, he's not big on the brains sometimes. He could have offered to let her mow the yard but the thought of Hossmom behind the bar of a cutting machine with flowers just inches away scared him to much.

So he said ok and was terrified. And he should have been.

Consider these facts when you go back to pass judgement. It wasn't' just a daffodil this time that was destroyed. It was something special because Hossman didn't know what it was. He had planted alot in the fall and this one was late in growing, but it was growing. And it was growing bigger than the others, thicker and stronger. Could it have been an Iris? Could it have been a Lilly? He didn't know but he treasured this one for the very mystery of it. He cleared away debris, he watered it, he loved it.

Then without warning, it was gone. He'll never know what it is.

Hossmom says she didn't do it. She once again blamed it on Little Hoss, her perfect scapegoat with a rap sheet. However, this time that wasn't going to work. Because this time she was found red shoed standing right on top of the stalk of the plant! That's right, you've heard the testimony but let's make sure you've really heard it. She was found with her big tennis shoe directly on top of the flower. It was crushed beneath her Nikes. This is a fact. This is not supposition. This is what happened.

Again, she said she didn't see it. Highly unlikely given her past pattern of plant destruction. She said that it wasn't a flower. Again, the bloom would refute this. The fact remains that Hossmom is a danger to gardens everywhere and continues to destroy the very things that she has directed Hossman to plant! We don't know what sick game she is playing with his head but it's cruel.

And what did she do this time when confronted with "God Dammit Hossmom, you killed another flower!" This time, she went on the defensive.

"You mulch like you fuck. All over the place."


Rather than offer an apology for destroying life, she attacked the very manhood of Hossman.
And she said this with children within earshot! (gasp!)

Those are the facts of this case ladies and gentlemen. You'll hear the defense later today I'm sure in the comment section. However, I believe that we have proved our case and you'll go back into that jury room and do the right thing. Your duty here is clear, ban her from plants everywhere. Because if you don't, maybe one day she will offer to help you with your garden. Can you sleep at night knowing that?

Thank you for your time. I know you'll make the right decision.


  1. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA - love it! You guys rock (you make me feel normal)!!!!!

  2. I cannot begin to explain how much trouble you are in.

  3. See! Anonymous threats! This does not help your case honey!

  4. While not an excuse, there is a reason for Hossmom's plantacidal instincts. It is part of her DNA. I must fess up and admit the gene came from her mother. When commencing on you next gardening session I suggest you suggest the she consider napping not housecleaning! - Housemom never passes up the opportunity to nap!

  5. Team Edward, er, Hossmom all the way. I think the only real way to resolve this issue is to stop listening to Hossmom - she's obviously setting you up with these gardening requests.