It was everywhere Sarge, oh dear god, oh dear god!
It's coming to get me! It's coming to get me! It's going to get all of us! Game over, man! Game over!
Save the women and children! Throw the elderly overboard! We are all doomed!
(Slap! Slap! Slap!)
I'm sorry Sarge, I'm so f'ing sorry. I just can't control myself Sarge. You didn't see man, you didn't see it.
Ok, I'll start from the beginning, Sarge but don't ask me to repeat anything. After I'm done, have mercy on me and just put a bullet in my brain.
I got the orders at 09:30 Zulu time. It seemed simple at first, ya know. Another day, another mission. We get them all the time, right? They said "Direct Private Hossman to unclog the shower drain. Report progress every 30 minutes. End of transmission."
We get those all the time, right? We don't ask no questions, we just go where we are pointed. There was no intel on the job but when is that unusual? So I grabbed my tool belt and my dog tags and hopped the next transport to the Shower Drain. Hell, I've been there 100 times before, how was I supposed to know this was going to be any different?
So my team and I get there a little after 10. We are feeling pretty good, checking out the scenery, playing with make-up when we could. A little R and R before we get down to the nuts and bolts of the mission. We splashed a little water around and Bubba Hoss and I turned the jets on in the jacuzzi tube. You know old Bubba, he loves the jets. Little Hoss danced a little bit and then chased the cat. It was all on the level Sarge. When we reached the Shower Drain we were all 5 x 5. Our shit was screwed on straight so don't tell me I'm hallucinating! I know what I saw.
My team and I turned on the shower to get an idea of the situation. A little recon before the big job. Standard operating procedure. Sure as shit, the water wasn't going down the drain. We've cleaned drains before so I wasn't expecting anything unusual. I was..........
Oh god I was so wrong. I'm so sorry Sarge, I'm so sorry man.
So we turned the water off and got out our screwdriver. Little Hoss turned the water back on and I got a little wet. She's always liked the practical jokes man. So anyway, I kneel down and see that there are just two simple screws to take out. No biggie. I let Bubba Hoss do it once I got them loose.
We pulled the screws out and then took our pliers and grabbed the drain. I pulled and........and...........and.................................
I screamed because no words could describe my horror. I pulled that freaking drain and attached to it was something black, something not human. Do you understand what I'm telling you Sarge! IT WASN'T HUMAN MAN! IT WASN'T HUMAN!
This, this, this thing was holding onto the drain man. It came out of the drain and even made a popping sound when it came out. It was wiggling like a worm on a hook. I just kept pulling Sarge, I couldn't help it. It was about 2 feet long and I swear to all that is holy it was as thick around as my arm.
It may have once been human hair Sarge, but it had mutated. It had combined with soap and god knows what else to become something unholy. Who knows how much it has been accumulating down there? I probably even pissed down there myself Sarge. I don't know man, all I know is that I went in there to pull a clog and found the devil instead.
My order didn't say nothing about this man. They didn't say that I was to confront the biggest hairball known to man. Who has ever seen a hairball that big? 2 feet Sarge, 2 freaking feet! It looked like a baseball bat.
That's when all hell broke loose. Little Hoss screamed "Bug!" and tried to strafe it with lotion that she nicked from the counter. The thing just laughed at her man, it actually laughed at her! She went crazy after that, and now she's gone. Bubba Hoss decided to go into his "Dinosaur" Hoss and tried to bite me. I'm holding the hairball in one hand while the living dead attacked me from behind. I screamed some more but no one heard. He then ran off, smashing into walls as he ran.
I lost the whole team, Sarge. I lost everyone. God Sarge, they just left me there all alone with that......
with that thing!
The next thing I know I'm running out of there and still screaming. I tripped over a dog. I punched an orphan. I don't know. It's all a blur.
The next thing I know I'm being dragged out of the closet I was hiding in by your people Sarge.
Don't go back up there man. Leave well enough alone man. Listen to me Sarge!
LEAVE! IT! ALONE!
Come back here Sarge! Don't go do it man! COME BACK HERE! Don't do it!
God help you Sarge, god help you.