The Friday Five

5 Reasons Why Teenagers Suck OR

5 Reasons Why I'm A Old Bastard.

Please keep in mind that at this writing I have had 4 hours of sleep. And for those with actual teenagers, I'm sure they are nothing like what you are about to read. I am sure that they are good kids and not testosterone filled mindless asses that respect their elders.

5. Because they show up on a Thursday night to the late night screening of Iron Man and screw up my good time. What the hell man? Isn't tomorrow a school day? So why are there roughly 3000 teenagers spilling their uncorked angst all over my good time? Sure, it's a bad idea for me to see a midnight movie but I thought it could be fun. Besides, I can just give the kids a couple of knives and some duck tape the next day and they'll entertain themselves for hours. What I didn't count on was Little Ms. Texting Mcgee sitting near me with her magic fingers moving faster than the speed of light. Learn a real skill like caning a chair and put the phone away. Where are your parents????

4. Because of the way they drive. If daddy bought them a new car, they are going to screw it up because they aren't going to have to pay for it. A teenager should never have a $40,000 car. Why? Because he's going to end up cruising around the movie theater parking lot with his dumb ass buddy hanging out the window screaming at everyone. So when he hits someone, he doesn't care, he doesn't have to pay for it. But thanks, I enjoy a good DEAR GOD SWERVE every now and then. And if the teenager has a piece of shit car, he doesn't care who he hits. His car is a piece of crap that he's not going to fix anyway. But thanks for the door ding guys, my family SUV looks like it has much more character. Oh, and that white thing on the side of the road that you go flying past, that's called the speed limit. Yeah, I know, they are tough to see when you are going 90 in a 25 mile an hour school zone but I'm sure you're young reflexes will kick in right before you plow over my dog.

3. Because I don't understand their clothes, their haircuts or their music and what I don't understand scares me. I'm old. First, what's up with the mop top of hair? What's this look all about? I don't get it. You need to join the army, they'll fix you up. But I do love the cleverly placed hole in you jeans right next to your crotch. Let me guess, you thought that this would entice some young girl to give you a hand job, right? Because you are that cool and smooth. Finally, turn your music down. It sucks. Your music has no soul, it has no emotional depth. Lady Gaga sings about a telephone. That's it. That's what the message is about in that song. At least Madonna had something to say. Material Girl may be the greatest song of my time. Tick Tock, your songs suck.

2. Because nothing is more pathetic than watching a 17 year old try and get action. Let me save everyone some effort here and tell you how it's going to play out. You'll fumble around with zippers for a while and someone is going to cut a thumb. But that won't phase anyone because the bra apparatus will confuse you until you have to call your friend Chester for technical advice. There will be a lot of slobber and random squeezes until you are so worked up that your weasel will pop. You'll apologize and suggest that everyone goes and plays video games at the local arcade. You'll both leave the public park and head for your car as you throw your used drug needles next to the slide.

1. Because they make Generation X realize how old they have gotten and how much they haven't done. What happened to us man? Gen Xer's were supposed to be cool and change the world. We were ambitious and motivated. There used to be a ton of news stories on the Gen Xers, now we got nothing. We are no longer "it" and that will hit us when we realize that todays teens were only 2 years old when we graduated COLLEGE. It will bring home the fact that no one is terrified of us anymore because it turns out that it's hard to be cool while paying your mortgage. And we'll do exactly what everyone else has always done before us. We will look at today's youth and say things like "back in my time....." But for the record: Back in my time my letter jacket was way more bad ass.