I've got to go to the grocery store today because it is Monday and all we have in the house is brownies. Not that I'm averse to feeding the kids brownies for breakfast. It's what they want anyway and I think I have proven that I'm a bad parent throughout the history of this blog. But we don't call it bad parenting, we call it "alternative parenting". That makes it sound like a theory rather than what it truly is: me parenting by the seat of my ass. Sure, we have a basic philosophy but it's really just pretty words that fail when applied to reality.
Before we go to the grocery store today though I want to just give a preemptive sincere apology to everyone who's going to be there. I know how it's going to go today so I just wanted to say I'm sorry to everyone that will be crushed in our campaign of destruction. It's less like grocery shopping and more like a raping and pillaging. On my grandmothers side, we are Nordic. I get the feeling that Eric the Red would be very proud to call us his brethren.
To the people that are waiting for the grocery cart, I am sorry for the scene that you are about to witness. I am sorry that you are going to see two children that are fighting for a seat in the special race car type cart. I don't know why they do this as they can both sit in there, but they will. I'm sorry you are about to witness violence as well when one of them throws a punch. But don't worry, they bounce back really well and I am somewhat proud to say that neither of my children have a glass jaw. Now if there isn't a race car cart there, I am sorry to the people behind us for the complete and total meltdown that you are about to witness. Just close your eyes and you can get your own cart in a minute. And when you hear me finally lose it and yell, just remember that I'm doing it for the good of humanity. You do not want these two unrestrained.
To the people in the vegetable aisle, I am sorry that when you get your green beans that some of them will have little teeth marks in them. Funny thing here: they like raw green beans at the grocery store only. If I cook them, they won't touch them. But at the grocery store they love to take a bite out of as many green beans as they can get there hands on and them put the half eaten morsels back into circulation. I know, this is pretty gross and you may be asking where I am at. Well, you can't expect me to watch my own children all the time. I wouldn't have time to flex for the hot mom checking out the apples. Besides, the grocery store has cameras usually and that is good enough for me. As long as someone is watching.
To the people in the milk and dairy section, I am sorry that you are about to get hit in the back of the head with a large rubber ball. I try to control this, I really do, but the grocery store kind of brings this on their own. Honestly, who puts the super cool balls in the milk section and makes them so easily accessible to kids. I'm just saying, I think the blame can be shared here. But if it is any consolation, they are terrible shots and will probably only hit you once out of ten tries. I would love to stop them from doing this but it's kind of hard when they both have a ball and are throwing it at the same time. It's either going to be you or someone else. Let's just call it a Sofie's Choice and shed a tear. Besides, by this point I'm talking to the hot mom who was checking out the apples. She is usually following me around the store at this point.
In the freezer section, it would be nice if everyone just skipped this section while I'm around there. I'll give everyone plenty of notice, I promise. When you hear "GET BACK HERE!" in a sultry sexy manly voice, just go to the dairy section (we would have just left there, it's safe). If you don't, you'll see my children opening every single freezer door and licking the inside of it. I don't know why they do this but then again I don't know why they do anything. But I make sure they brush their teeth everyday so that when you see the tongue marks on the doors you can rest assured that it contains very little bacteria. Besides, the cold will kill most of it.
We spend quite a lot of time in the cereal aisle so it's best if you don't even attempt to buy any cereal at all on Mondays. Or at least go earlier than 9:00am. This is the fault of advertising companies so when you write your angry letters you should write to them. I know one if you need an address. "I want the birdie!" Little Hoss will yell. "Bear!" Bubba Hoss will counter. It's the great debate of our Monday mornings. Very intellectual. If that was it this would be no problem. But it's not. They want every cartoon character that is on a box so eventually my basket is filled with enough boxes to make it look like a giant collage of Saturday morning cartoons. I'll put most of them back but I'm sure that 1/2 of them will be on the floor by the time we leave because they also like pulling shit off the shelves once I put something there.
I would also like to apologize now, before it happens, to the poor stock boys at any grocery store. Because as they put away the taco shells they will be sure to find a package of pantyhose or a birthday card to an Aunt tucked away in there. This is my fault. The kids like to pull random crap off the shelves as we walk through and then when they get tired of it I usually just put it where ever I am. They usually get tired of it right around the Mexican food/ethnic aisle. So when you find a piece of cheese there, that's all us. Sorry about that.
Finally, I would like to offer a heart felt apology to the check out ladies. They are so nice to us. They will take all the crap that I don't want to buy (rubber balls) and hide them behind the counter. They smile. They know my name. And they say "What cute kids you have" and she'll mean it because they are cute. But they are cute like a sleeping lion can be cute. It's only a distraction so that they can sneak around behind you and steal your wallet. While you're looking at the boy the little girl will be behind the register looking for gum and money in your purse. As soon as I discover this I promise to make amends as fast as possible.
To anyone else that gets caught in the riptide that is our Monday shopping trips, I am truly sorry for any injuries you may receive. Perhaps today is the day to just stay home. I mean you, not me. Keeping these two indoors all day is like having a death wish and I love my life. And most times my children too. It is totally understandable if you do not. And to the hot mom checking out the apples and my biceps, if you make it out alive, call me. We'll do a playdate.