Ms. Highschool

"Hey Honey"

I said this right when little Ms. Highschool Chick was 2 feet away walking to her car in the grocery store parking lot.

And bingo, I'm pegged as a gross creepy old guy.

Ms. Highschool veered her path as she gave me a dirty look. She bubbled out from me and walked around her car to get in putting the appropriate distance between myself and her. Her windows were painted with the words "Seniors 2010" in nice blue and gold shoe polish. Obviously a lot of work went into this to let the world know that she is a recent highschool grad and not a piece of chick meat for a man who graduated almost 20 years before she did.

As you can imagine, we were at the grocery store and I was actually speaking to my daughter. I call her honey all the time.

"Daddy, can you buy me a horse named Turbo?"

"Yes honey."

"Daddy, are you big and strong?"

"Stronger than anyone honey."

"Hi Daddy!"

"Hey honey."

And that's why Ms. Highschool wonders why I'm driving an SUV rather than a white van with little puppies painted on the side. She obviously didn't see what was painted on the side of my windows. Crayola #18, a nice magenta shade in the shape of a somewhat complete circle.

But let me ask you, what the hell is wrong with me? Why wouldn't I be a good choice? Ya know, women in their 30s and 40s find me extremely attractive. I cook, I clean, I take care of the kids. That's chick gold man. I change diapers, I plan outings, I burp babies. When I go to the library with the kids, moms are practically throwing panties and diaper bags at me. Women love the stay at home dad. Well, women with experience do.

I tell you what, Little Ms. Highschool. Go to college and get your experience. Find out what ruffies are and do things on the quad. Graduate from there and start in the big world of corporate America. You'll be full of ideas, of energy. You'll be a go getter, you'll be sure that the corner office is yours and only a formality at this point.

Then one day, in your 30's or late 20's you'll start to see things differently. Mortgage payments will start to wear you down. The promotion will go to the suck up and you will realize that your cats actually just hate you. There was never any love. Eventually you will realize that there was never a corner office in your future, only the bigger cubicle. That's when you'll see reality and things will start to change for you. Maybe you'll get saddled with couple of kids along the way and you will have to worry about things such as diaper rash and developmental disabilities.

You'll go to Library story time and see me there. You'll find out that I'm a SAHD and you will think that is awesome. You mean someone will cook for ME? And bam, now I'm hot.

My point is, take a look at the big picture and not just the 5 minutes before you. Life is a long haul my sister and things will look different to you in 10 years.

I put Little Hoss in the car and realized that my fly was open.

I'm sorry. Apparently I am creepy old gross guy. My apologies.


  1. Damn cuz....That is a sad way to look at things....

  2. Thanks for the laugh! And what do highschool kids know?