The Friday Five

5 Reasons why your old ass does not belong in the club.

5. Because it's creepy as hell to see the old guy in the torn jeans and purple jacket suit sitting at the table with his chest hair out. Don't be that guy, you can't pull that off. You look just plan creepy. You look like the weirdo uncle that hit on the bridesmaid at your nephew's wedding. Guess what, you ended up spending the night drunk and farting on your niece's couch. Oh yea, she heard you.

4. For the ladies: because you are never, ever going to find what you are looking for there. Your ideal pick me up line is "Hey, I pay my mortgage on time, have a good stock portfolio, and my credit rating is not bad. I love kids, do you have any?". What you are going to get is "So you look pretty desperate, mind if I give you some of my crabs?" Because that's the only guy that is going to be hitting on you. And you'll be paranoid. By this age you have probably seen Jodi Foster in The Accused and that image is pretty much going to ruin this for you. You'll think that everyone is trying to slip you a roofie, although you will have no idea what that is but you read about it in Newsweek. What you are looking for is a good father who writes a funny blog. Who's bald. Who knows the difference between a 401 K plan and a Roth IRA. Call me.

3. Because the whole time you are there you will be saying "this music is too loud, I can't have a conversation." What you don't realize is that clubbing is not for conversations. But you'll get annoyed because you are old and you will suggest that they turn it down to a reasonable volume, like they do at the Olive Garden. Then your next question will be "do they serve food here, like at the Olive Garden?" Finally, when you actually do get into a conversation it will be about the fabulous bread sticks at the Olive Garden and don't you just love that vinegar salad dressing that they use.

2. Because an hour into it you'll notice that your feet hurt, you trick knee is getting stiff, and for the love of god where are all the chairs because you threw your back out carrying laundry up the stairs. And you are no longer young enough to ignore these problems and you will want to bail because you actually have to go to work tomorrow morning and can't show up looking like Jodi Foster in The Accused.

1. Because when everyone starts yelling "Hey Charlotte, it's your Birf-Day" it will take you a while to realize that they actually mean BIRTHDAY and you'll think "oh, that's nice, the whole club is wishing her happy birthday." Then you will eventually catch on that it's actually some sort of hip hop chant and you'll say "Hold on, I got a good one--The Roof, The Roof, The Roof is on fire!" Then you'll ask the DJ if he can rock some Blondie.