Give it to me, I love it.

I like getting fucked over. In fact, it's the next best thing to getting kicked in the balls. Nothing makes my day more enjoyable than being asked to bend over and spread the brown eye for the screwing that is about to come my way. Fantastic, make it hurt please.

Recently I received an email from Kodak, the very name for pictures and picture related products. Good and divine Kodak who always loves its customers and would do anything to give them a good fucking like they deserve those lazy bastards.

To fill everyone in, I have a Kodak digital camera. I've had it for a number of years and have decently pleased with it. I would take spotless photographs of my supermodel children doing cool things like clogging the toilet with dirty laundry and then load these priceless treasures onto my computer.

But it would appear that I was not actually loading them on my computer. Nope, it doesn't work that way. What I was really doing was loading my pictures onto the server that Kodak runs. This is so they can constantly ask me if I want to order pictures, please order pictures, how about a coffee mug with a picture and if not that then how about a calendar of your child's destruction. I have done this on occasion but mostly rely on my Kodak picture printer to actually print off the pictures that I want to put in the album or send to the police.

Apparently, Kodak does not like this. They get pissed in fact.

The email sent to me stated that the free service that is basically a way to sell you stuff is now going to start charging. I have to order 5 bucks of prints every year or all the pictures that I have taken will be deleted. Their argument, and I am not making this up, is that people who have been paying for pictures have been SUBSIDIZING those of us who don't, and that's not really fair.

That's right, I am on picture welfare. My poor picture storage is on the public dole and is that really fair? They are in the government housing of picture services. Pretty soon, they will get their own picture social worker trying to work out their picture disability.

Let's just forget the fact that there are plenty of free services out there that I could use. Let's forget about posting pics on facebook, websites and through email. Let's forget about digital frames that you can beam your pictures to.

Obviously, those things won't last and the only way to survive is to go back to paper pictures and to radio as the TV is destined for failure as well.

As you can tell, I'm a little miffed at this email. Especially since they gave me a deadline, May 16, to order or they will be deleted from the services. My pictures range from the birth of Little Hoss to the grave of Jessie James. 3 years worth of child's birthdays, special moments and aborted attempts to get Hossmom a little more adventurous in the bedroom.

But I like Kodak, always have so I'm going to help them out by rewriting their email for them. It should get a much better response:

Dear Unvalued Customer:
We realize that in this economic downturn you have been taking quite a fucking. It's been hard and long but we must ask, has it been hard and long enough? We at Kodak have neglected our part of that fucking and we don't want that, we value you to much. We know when it comes to fucking we hope you always think of Kodak.

As a result, we are now holding all of your family memories hostage. Send 5 bucks by May 16th or the little ones get it. Don't call the cops, we will be watching. You may require proof of photo first and so we enclose part of the picture of an ear of your dog. We are serious, don't fuck with us on this.

We would have sent a picture of a dead fish wrapped in newspaper but unfortunately it has been deleted from our servers.

Not Sincerely at All
Your picture Overlords and Masters
Bada-Bing

Yup, that's much better and much clearer than the one I got. So I am going to spend the next 2 weeks switching all my pictures to my actual hard drive because a good fucking just isn't the same without some tedious task to come with it.