The Friday Five

5 things that happened when this little Piggy went to the market because someone has to go to the market and sure as shit the others aren't going to the market.

5. And this one stayed home. She stayed home because she was a bitter toe. The second toe never gets any credit for anything except to be pointed out that "Man, that second toe is longer than the big toe, that's jacked up" and no one wants to be poked fun at for being gargantuan and an ugly toe. It's most commonly referred to as the "monkey toe". Not flattering. So the second toe stayed home and ate ho-hos and watched her stories.

4. This one had roast beef. Which is street lingo for heroin but no one on the foot knew it. They thought that he just really, really liked roast beef. So they kept buying roast beef and he had to keep eating it or stuffing it in the drain pipe of the tub. Meanwhile, every time that this little piggy went to the market he would hurry upstairs and cook up a good roast beef sandwich and put it between his toes.

3. And this one had none. Nope, she had nothing. The third toe is always totally forgotten, almost invisible until it gets a massive corn. And then it's ugly, like an ugly stepsister but even she had a mother who loved her. She didn't even have that. So she got nothing because the third toe was taking all the heroin and couldn't even see her pain. Her invisible pain from the invisible toe.

2. And this little Piggy went Weee-weee-weee all the home. Because it hit the corner of the god damn coffee table for the god damn 20th god damned time and it's tired of hanging around with the rest of these yahoo's when they do all their other stupid shit why he continues to be made to bear the brunt of their clumsiness. Fuck em, he's taking his ball and going home.

1. And this Little Piggy finally came back from the market to find one toe steeped in bitterness, one toe stuck in a self loathing depression, one toe gorked out of it's mind on roast beef and one toe missing having abandoned the rest. So he said screw it and went back to the market.

1 comment:

  1. Welp, it appears that I'm the only one that thought this one was funny. Honestly, I laughed my ass off when I wrote it. I do this on occasion, write things that only I think are funny. Hey, that's ok. I'll be back to my normal Little Hoss destroying the world stuff on Monday.