The Friday Five

5 things that are complete and total bullshit.

5. The sign on the back of dump trucks that say "stay back 200 feet. NOT responsible for broken windshields". Bullshit. Of course you are responsible for it. First off, I can't read your sign from 200 feet away. Second, it's the very definition of negligence. You guys overloaded, didn't cover properly and now my windshield is cracked. I tell you what. I'm going to come to your house and give you a sign that says "Not responsible for genetic mutants." Then I'm going to fuck your cat and let you deal with whatever happens later. Fair trade. Let me know how that works out.

4. My Barry Bonds rookie baseball card is worth shit. My Mark Mcguire rookie baseball card is worth shit. In fact, my entire collection of baseball cards are now worth shit. 20 years ago you sold me on the idea of collecting baseball cards and how they could be worth something. So like every American boy I had dreams of scoring the next Honus Wagner card, selling it in my 50's and putting my kids through college. Now I can't even afford refridgerator college. I have kept these things in pristine condition for 20 god damn years. Half of them have never been touched and the rest are in plastic. And what do I got? Stale gum. Thanks Barry Bonds. Thanks for your gigantic head and my stale gum. Real pal you are. Dick.

3. Kodak for deleting all my pictures. I know I've railed on this before. But guess what dickhole, I downloaded them all to my computer hard drive. And I bought a new camera. My only condition for a new camera? Not a Kodak. I hope penicillian does not work on your gonereha.

2. The entire baby industry. All bullshit. A regular crap dresser cost 100 bucks. Add baby in front of it so it becomes a special "Baby Dresser" and it's 400. It's the same damn dresser dude. We all know it. Get off it. It's all partical board bullshit. Here take my money anyway because the wife had to have the color maroon.

1. The scrambled porn channel when I was a kid. Thanks man, thanks for torturing a sad and lonely 16 year old by showing me a fuzzy boob and no follow up. If they could black out my local football team I'm pretty sure you could have just blacked out the porn channel as well and saved me years of disappointment. But nope, instead you just added to a generations continued frustration. They were horny as hell but were dumb as hell and couldn't get laid, and you just made it worse. Was that a boob or some dudes butt crack. Am I gay now? I don't like myself. Not cool man, not cool. Regular women turned us down just fine on their own and that frustration would have been enough. We know what you were hoping. You were hoping we'd call the cable channel and pretend to be the "Adult with decision making ability in our choice of cable providers" and order the 17.99 movie. Well we did. Then we had to explain to our Mom's why Jenny's Interracial Gang Bang 4 was on the cable bill. Hope you had fun with your devil money.