Yup, That's My Fault

I want to officially apologize to my family for the dinner that I just cooked. Judging by the looks you have given me, it was indeed as horrible as your gagging sounds seemed to indicate.

First off, I know that it didn't look appealing. I know that the stuff on the bottom of a garbage mans boot looks more tasty than this dish that I whipped up. I know that the aroma coming off it is a close relative to what's in the diaper champ. And I'm sorry that I cooked it.

I know that I'm not experienced enough to experiment with flavors. Honestly, I don't even know what that means. I'm a culinary idiot, there I'll admit it. A child with a milk and a box of cereal can create a better meal than I can and your constant glares confirm that.

All I knew was that it was meat and meat is good. Meat is God's gift to us and so I cooked it and perhaps I added things that I shouldn't have. Maybe the marinade that I made was more of a death swamp, I don't know but I am truly sorry so you can stop putting your hands over your mouths to stop from puking.

There is no need to take another bite to spare my feelings. They'll be restored when that feeling of relief comes over your face when you realize that I am sincere and not wanting you to ingest anymore of the food that even a zombie would turn his nose at. I realize that a vulture would even judge me on this one so there is no need to shovel one more piece.

Now I don't mean that you can stick your tongue out and let the chewed remains fall on the floor, that's taking it a little to far, don't you think Bubba Hoss? I know your 1 year old palate is not that refined so stop acting like I just made you eat something straight from Satan himself.

And don't cry Little Hoss. It's not actually that bad is it? Ok, maybe it's that bad but it's considered bad manners to actually cry over something your father spent an hour making you. Just say no thank you and move on from there.

Look at your mother, look how she handles it. You could learn a lot from her. She has only turned a soft shade of green and hasn't said one word other than "This is not your best effort dear." See, polite yet firm to let me know that she expects much, much better out of me. And I agree because this is truly aweful.

So I am very, very sorry for this witches brew that I cooked up.

But the rice is still pretty good, isn't it?


  1. Gracious acceptance of defeat; now let's never speak of that monstrosity again.

  2. if someone doesnt like my cooking i am more than happy to let them have a shot at playing emeril