I realize that I live the sweet life. I know that most of you yahoo's are out there trying to get by in the daily grind. Your boss is a prick, sadistic little man with a bald head and taste for your ass. Traffic is a beatdown because Charley McSwerve has made it his personal mission to cut you off at every opportunity. FICA leaches every penny out of you like a gorgeous suckubus.
And me? Well, I'm at home in my pajamas. I go to the store and there is never, ever a line. I never have to give a shit about clean up on aisle 6. Yeah, my daughter knocked that shit over but I'm not embarrassed because no one is here. I know my mailman by his first name.
I am a stay at home dad. I have been awarded oh's and ahhs by seven different women who find what I do attractive, and I am never, ever sick at sea. So I ask you, when someone goes into that chapel and they fall on their knees and they pray to God that a good man will take care of their son or that their daughter doesn't destroy the brand new chair, who do you think they're praying to? Now, go ahead and read your bible, Dennis, and you go to your church, and with any luck you might win the annual raffle, but if you're looking for God, he was taking his two kids to the WWI musuem on November 17th, and he doesn't like to be second guessed. You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I am God. (10 bucks if you can guess the movie)
Yup, I've got it good and it's all thanks to Hossmom. I know which way my bread is buttered. She makes it possible for me to stay home with the kids and paint ceramic cars. She makes it possible for me to spend the entire day reading a book in the backyard. She makes it possible for me to spend an entire afternoon in my underwear debating "to shower or not to shower." Have fun with your TPS reports and yeah, we are going to need you to come in on Saturday, that'd be great.
So in honor of Mother's day, I offer Hossmom my very sincere thanks. Thanks for things that she has given me and the kids over the last year and the things that she will give us in the future.
I brought up the subject of letting my 3 year old mow the yard. I thank her for keeping the ensuing lecture under 30 minutes and for not using the words "dangerous" and "you'll shoot your eye out" over 100 times.
And I thank her for going easy on us when she looked out the window a while later and say my daughter pushing the mower (with me of course) and not even mentioning the gas powered weed eater that we moved on to.
I thank her looking at that load of clean laundry that is still sitting in the corner on the chair and not once, not once I say, asking me "what the hell did you do all day."
I thank her for sitting down and actually watching The Increadible Hulk with me, such a bad movie that I just can't not watch. And on that vain, I thank her for acutally liking Starship Troopers and the big brain bug caught by private Zim.
I thank her actually taking the time to trim my eyebrows so that I don't look like creepy old guy even though every time I complain and fight with her about it like I'm the actual 3 year old in the house.
I thank her taking the time, every day, to pick out clothes for both the kids and me so that we don't look like a bunch of roadies for an over the hill 80's rock band. I haven't actually bought a single item of clothing for myself in over 15 years, and I thank her for that also.
I thank her seeing me at 19 years old in whitey tighties and not laughing her ass off and running for the hills and instead saw a project that she could put in boxers and khakis.
I thank her for being the only person in the world, besides my own daughter, that can actually get me upset. It makes no sense to me that I can pretty much ignore everyone else on the face of the planet but those two dig up underneath me and push the buttons.
I thank her for going to every goofy history thing I can find even though I know that she would rather be at a spa instead of hiking through Missouri town 1855.
I thank her for getting my jokes and laughing even when everyone else looks at me like I'm on a bad meth high.
I thank her for encouraging me to blog in the first place and for never missing a single day where she doesn't read it. She's the biggest fan that I have and it doesn't matter if no one else reads this because she always does.
And I thank her for being a great mom to our kids and being the glue that holds this family together. Without her, our socks would never match.
I love you Hossmom. Happy Mother's Day.