A Screwjob

For my birthday this year, which was just over the holidays, I was going to get a big screen plasma TV.

Let’s let that sink in a little bit. Can you imagine the 50 inch screen? Can you see the soft glow of glory coming off of Monday night football during the playoffs? Can you almost smell the mystery while “Lost” is on. That shiver that you are feeling, that may be the crabs you are getting from Rock Of Love.

It. Was. To. Be. Greatness.

I didn’t get it.

I didn’t get it because Corporate America hates me. It was supposed to be a big “Stay at Home” dad gift. I was taking on a challenge that a lot of guys don’t. I was going to face ridicule and awkward looks from those that were uncomfortable with my new role in society. It was supposed to be something that we could watch Backyardigans on. It was supposed to inspire me to achieve new heights. It was supposed to be something from my sugar Mamma, Hossmom, to show how much she appreciates what I am doing and what I am giving up.

However the world has different plans for the Plasma and somehow saw more fit to put it in some no name bar with Drunky Mcdrunk-drunk than hanging above my mantle.

We were going to buy this greatness of a gift with my wife’s bonus. We eagerly awaited the bonus check the Thursday before Christmas. It came and our mouths dropped. Not to be ungrateful, but it was pathetic. It was 1/10th of what she had received in years past.

As you can imagine, this was very disturbing. There would be no big screen plasma for my birthday. There would be no whatzits, no whozits and no roast beast. There would be no world wide domination on Xbox! What the hell, I ask you, What the Hell!

Well, maybe it’s been a tough year for the company? Nope, that ain’t it. They pulled in more than a 60% increase in profit than they did last year. Is it my wife’s performance? Nope, she is doing very well. Then what could it be? Possibly that she went on maternity leave for 3 months, unpaid leave I might bring up. I hope it’s not that but hey, if it looks like Gelfling, smells like Gelfling, I say it’s Gelfling.

Any minute I expected the Griswald family to show up at my house and have Christmas with us. Seriously, how does my life resemble movies so much, and not the cool ones like Predator where I get to whip a little ass and arm wrestle Schwartzenager?

So yup, we were a little disappointed but we were still going to have a great time. Hossmom went to work the next day and see what she could find out. What she found out was a little shocking. One of her bosses appears to have bought a brand new Escalade, fully loaded. A 90,000 dollar car screams corporate loyalty, doesn’t it? But he had to have the car because he needed something to pull his new speed boat with.

But because this is a story about the ultimate screwing, it’s not over yet. The company announced, on the Friday before Christmas mind you, that they had made a mistake with the bonus checks this year. It would appear that they deposited to much money in everyone’s bank account and would be withdrawing half of what they deposited.


I think that what I am most impressed by is that this was the Friday before Christmas. Ya know, the day when everyone does a lot of shopping. There were only a handful of people at the office that day, the rest were at home with their families putting that down payment on the new swimming pool. They had no idea that their bank accounts would very shortly experience a shortfall.

Thank you Corporate America. I mean it, from the bottom of my heart and I’m sure that all of the rest of the world also offers their thanks for that jelly of the month club bonus. What could be better at Chirstmas than bouncing your mortgage check. It’s the gift that will keep on giving year round.

And people wonder why there is no employee loyalty to corporations that they work for? This is a big old hint, right here.

So instead of the plasma screen T.V. that I was going to get, I will use the money to frame the advertisement of that T.V. and dream of a day when I can sit back and enjoy The Star Ship Enterprise in HD. Welcome to 2008.


  1. SCREEEECH - that's the sound of me marking that place of my list of potential future employers.

    That really does stink. Sounds like the guy who made that decision is experiencing a high degree of frustration. So to whomever that guy is, I would like to point out that for the very small investment of $10 plus the gas that it takes to get to Harry Hines Blvd., you can get yourself that blowjob that you so sorely need, and your employees would be feeling grateful instead of sour and updating their resumes.

  2. Screech might be the sound of me keying the shit out of that new escalade....