With Your Friends...............

Your backyard friends, the Backyardigans!

For the love of all that is holy, someone please stop this song going through my head. I know every lyric and there is no reason that I should no every lyric. I know each Backyardigan’s name, supposed gender and what animal they are. Except Uniqua—what the hell is she? She’s purple but that’s no big deal because the penguin (Pablo) is blue. And she has spots. I don’t trust things that have spots on them. So is she some sort of pig? I have no freaking idea.

Together in the backyard again,

Don’t these kids or freaks go to school? Why are they in the back yard again all the time? I mean, are they home schooled? I bet their parents are weird hippies.

In the place where we belong,

Austin is another one of the group but I actually feel sorry for him. For one, I think that he is some type of rat creature. That can’t be good in his long term career goals. Austin, what do you want to be when you grow up? A sewer rat in New York? Well son, I don’t know, that’s going to take a lot of work. Austin is also left out of a lot of the episodes. I think that he may be dying and they haven’t told us yet. My money is on brain tumor.

Where we'll prob'ly sing a song,

Tasha is a princess bitch. Seriously, she’s not very nice and likes to pout. They had a whole show once on showing her how to say “please” and “thankyou.” She didn’t get it until the very end which makes me think that she is pretty stupid too. She’s a snob and I bet her room looks like some pink nightmare with everything she ever wanted in it. Spoiled brat.

And we'll maybe dance along.

I can do the backyardigans dance to. Will someone please explain to me why I can do the dance in the opening credits? I have tried to teach my daughter so we could be some father/daughter mixmaster duo but she isn’t getting it yet. Instead, she substitutes jumps for most of the moves and then runs around in a circle. But she has got the shoulder shimmy down though. The problem is that she likes to climb on her little kid table and do the dance. As a father this freaks me out. All we are missing up there is a pole and for her to take the stage name of Candy. My one job in this life is to keep my daughter off the pole. Please god, just keep her off the pole.

We've got the whole wide world in our yard to explore.

None of the houses that these kids live in have fences so that they all open to the same backyard. Except for Austin of course, but that’s because his mom is a hypochondriac and doesn’t want him mixing with “that” crowd. That and he has a brain tumor. But it makes me think that these parents must be pretty good friends. Or they’re Mormons, like a Big Love thing going on. That’s hot.

We always find things we've never seen before.

Pablo has severe A.D.D. That kid is wired nonstop. Someone needs to grind up some Ritalin in that penguins afternoon juice. And I don’t get how a penguin can dance. His arms AREN’T supposed to move that way! He has no elbows! It would appear that I can take a mouse talking, a rat with a brain tumor and a hippopotamus in a dress but I just can’t seem to get past a penguin dancing. I can only suspend my vision of reality only so much. And someone needs to cut that bow tie off Pablo before he gets beaten up.

That's why every day we're back for more

This is what goes through a parents mind as he watches kid shows with his 2 year old daughter. I have taken something sweet and innocent that teaches kids how to act right and turned it into some sort of daytime soap like Days of Our Lives. Is Tasha shacking up with Tyrone? Is Austin going to make it? Did Pablo know that his mom hates him? But if you have seen the same god damn episode 1000 god damn times, it’s the only way to keep your sanity.

With your friends, the Backyardigans.