I am three weeks into being a stay at home dad and I think that I am finally ready to give everyone a look into what this life is like. I have been getting the question a lot lately so please come inside my humble little mind and walk around as a stay at home dad for a while.
First things first: I don’t like being called a house husband. Seriously, knock that off. It makes it sound like I’m the gimp from pulp fiction. Trust me, you don’t want this thing dressed up in all leather with a ball gag while you wait for a guy named Zed, bad idea. I prefer to be called Krull the Conqueror if you must label me. I don’t mind Mr. Mom because I liked that movie and I have let my daughter eat chili before and I have dealt with the consequences.
Ok, that’s out of the way, now welcome to Krull’s day with his 2 year old daughter and 4 month year old son. Take a look around, don’t steal anything, I have counted all the silver.
Now that I’m thinking about it, I can’t really tell you what I do on a day to day basis. I have no real idea, seriously. I’m actually very organized doing this but with two kids in tow I would imagine we do about 20 different activities a day.
Number one: I don’t sleep in. Yup, I’m up usually no later than 7:30 most mornings if not closer to 7. I’m actually surprised at this one too, I thought we would all being sleeping until at least 9. But nope, Bubba Hoss demands action at precisely 7 and god help you if you don’t get up and get his God Damn bottle. Just wait boy, I shall have my revenge.
Second: There is no such thing as day time T.V. Or I should say that there is but we don’t get a chance to watch it. I have no idea why but we are usually so busy with something that we don’t watch a whole lot of T.V. during the day. We are either on an outing or doing something else around the house. On those moments when we do get to watch a little T.V. it’s Backyardigans all day, all the time. This is somewhat of a problem, not because I want to watch Jerry Springer but now that I’m not working I find that I don’t know what is going on in the world. It’s actually a conscious effort on my part to watch the news when I can just so I can play Trivia Pursuit and not get my ass kicked. CNN on mute actually works pretty well while I cook breakfast.
Third: We do shower. Try taking a couple days off and you just feel like shit and I am determined not to feel worthless. We usually do a family shower right before breakfast and everyone has a great time. They take turns peeing on my feet and I stomp around when they do it. Ok, that’s a lie, I just sit there and take it. It’s gross, I agree but both are in diapers and have no idea anyway. To top it off, hell, I’ll pee in the shower as well. It’s a family bonding thing.
Fourth: We try very hard to get out of the house every single day. Our car was in the shop for 4 days at the beginning of this stay at home dad thing and we were housebound like Hossmom’s indentured servents. We all almost went crazy. For anyone thinking about being a stay at home dad, take my advice, go somewhere. It doesn’t matter where, just go. We visit my father, Little Hoss’s cousins, a mom group, home depot and the fire hydrant on the corner of Main Street. We have named him Steve and we see him everyday. Hi Steve!
Fifth: I spend no money. This is the weirdest thing of all, but it’s true. It may be because it’s winter and none of the attractions are usually good to go out when it’s cold out, but on the whole, we spend very little. We go in the morning on our outings and most of the things we do are free. I find this weird as well but I think we will pick up the pace once summer rolls around.
Sixth: A smart man will wear his kids out. I make it my goal every day to have my kids begging for a nap. It is essential to my mental status: I need a minimum of a two hour break in the afternoon. I will put my daughter on a treadmill and tie my son to the dog in order to get them tired. During that two hours I usually do clean house which has been nice for the wife and I. I take 30 minutes for myself usually to lay waste on the Xbox. I have no idea why these kids aren’t in school so I try to humiliate them on line, kind of a scared straight program but without the bitches being sold for cigarettes.
Seventh: I do cook. Not always well, but I do cook. It is surprising how this makes our family much happier as we eat at the table now rather than on the floor next to the dogs. I also try to get Little Hoss to help and we treat it as an activity. We actually made bread from scratch, no shit, just so she could really get involved. You know that scene in Rocky where he is beating on a side of beef? That was basically my daughter except with some uppity dough from the rough side of town. No worries though, we taught it a lesson and sent it packing.
Eight: We make lists, like this blog.
Ninth: I also find it very important to install a mosh pit in our daily routine. It’s usually while we are cooking breakfast. Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you are moshing with your 2 year old daughter while you are trying to make French toast. White Zombie is our personal favorite but we will accept lesser bands such as Faith No More if we are pressed.
Tenth and final: We try to do something education every single day. Hey, I’m a teacher as well as a stay at home dad. Harvard has already starting trying to recruit my kids. Yesterday we spent the whole day trying to teach Little Hoss how to say “Tonight we dine in Hell” or “Give them nothing but Take from them Everything!” She didn’t quite get it and after about 8 hours of these we did get her to say “Victory!” and throw her arms in the air.
That’s right darling, Victory!
So that’s about it as far as this goes. The weirdest part is that I am 10 more times more tired doing this than I ever was at work.