1/20/08

The F-Bomb

My sweet little innocent girl dropped the F-bomb today.

Her purity has been shattered. She was an angel, something that was unique and untouched by the villainy that is this world. And now that has been ruined because she cusses better than a sailor, with more vigor than an NFL coach and with more imagination than a porn writer. My little girl. My sweet, sweet little girl. Fuck.

She was in her room today helping out. She looked at something that she didn’t like. She pointed at it. Then she said “Oh, Fuck.”

At that moment I could hear the collective gasp from every parent that inhabits our block. I could hear both of her grandmothers sit straight up in bed as if they have some ESP for this type of thing and scream. I could feel the shame of the Christian right bearing down on me. Why don’t I go to church more often? Because church sucks. But that’s another blog.

And right now, all of you that are reading the Monday Morning blog, I can feel you shake your head back and forth as your judgment rains down on me like molten wax. I can almost hear you going “tsk, tsk, tsk, stupid Hossman.”

Normally I would shun your judgment. I would tell you which body part you could suck today and then move on with my life. But I cannot do that today. Today I will face you all, word to reader, and let you bore your parental judgment down on me. I will take crap from even those of you that don’t have children as you naturally assume you could parent better than a man that lets his daughter use the devil’s words to communicate.

Give me your shame, place it on my back. Let the sounds of your sighs fill 1000 cathedrals.

And now come closer, because now is the part that I let you in on something.

It. Wasn’t. Me.

Suck. My. Balls.

That’s right baby! It wasn’t me that she picked up that word from. I’m an innocent man! Now all of you that were passing judgment I want you to place that same judgment down on yourself for making assumptions! I want you to feel what you were trying to lay at my feet. I want you to pick up this burden and suffer with it as you wanted me to. You are terrible people, seriously, tsk, tsk, tsk.

I am Free! You naturally assumed that if Little Hoss said Fuck it had to be good old Hossman that taught her. It had to be the guy that cusses rampantly in his blog. It had to be the guy whose own niece told him he needed a time out because of the words that came out of his mouth. Well, it wasn’t! I’m a fucking saint.

It was Hossmom! That’s right, Hossmom. She was upstairs with Little Hoss cleaning and dropped something. Then, without thinking (how callous!) she let fly with the queen of all dirty words. It dripped from her mouth as if she were controlled by a demon and my sweet, innocent, angel of a daughter heard her say it. Then she repeated it, in an appropriate context.

Where is your judgement for Hossmom, I ask you! Where are your looks of shame that you were surely ready to lay upon my brow? Do not her big hooters deceive you, she cusses as well as I. Although granted, when she does cuss it sounds very funny because I just can’t seem to take it seriously when a woman calls me a “Dickhead.” It’s just funny.

And why do I sell out Hossmom in today’s blog? Why do I throw her ever so quickly into the fire? Because better her than me, that’s why. It would appear that I have no spine. Many people, including almost all of my family, have asked me to watch my language around the kiddos. I tried, I really did. They gave me much crap for it. And I have no doubt that as soon as they read the first sentence of this blog, they thought that it was me. But no one ever says anything to the wife about it. It’s always Hossman.

Well, today Hossman is guilt free. And for those of you who are about to comment that she’s had to hear that word a million times from me: to bad. It doesn’t count until she says it and today she said it because Hossmom said it. Glory, Glory, Glory, let’s all march on.

I sit here watching my son sleep with a clean heart, knowing that one day he will grow up and perhaps cuss like his older sister. He is smiling and I an only imagine that he is dreaming of the day when he learns of the best cusswords from his mother.

Fucking-A twatscicle.

2 comments:

  1. Well, sounds like she's got the mother of all monosyllabic cuss words down.

    Wonder how long it will be before she moves on to the disyllabic likes of "shithead" and "douchebag," then finally masters the polysyllabic gems "twat-waffle," "cum-dumpster," and "motherfucker"?

    Bet you'd never guess that I, too, was a quick study...

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  2. We will start small, such as poop head and chocolate starfish face. Then it should be an easy transition to shitface and butthole.

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