American ripoffs

Let’s take a break from writing about kids and get to something that all of you out there are into.

I know that all of you are into this because the ratings say you are.

I am talking about the awesomeness that is the new American Gladiators. This show this week has had the highest ratings so do not lie to me and tell me that you didn’t see it. Do not say “Hossman, I didn’t see it because my cat was caught in a tree when it came on.” I’m calling bullshit on that, you redneck.

So here is what I want everyone to do. I want you to go to your Tivo unit and pick up the remote. Then I want you to put that remote in a corner for a half an hour. While you are doing this, I want you to repeat after me: Bad Tivo! Bad, Bad, Bad Tivo! You know better than that! Now I want you to sit in this corner until you realize what you have done.

When the Tivo remote is done being bad for the day I want you then to use it to erase any timer that you have set for American Gladiators because it sucks major monkey balls. Seriously man, just erase that timer without thinking about it, you will thank me later. The timer will be right between the All American Co-ed variety hour that you taped on Skinamax and American Monster Trucks because if you watched American Gladiators, then you are probably into monster truck rallies as well.

As the living incarnate of awesomeness I feel that it is indeed my honor bound duty to erase all things that pretend to be awesome and that is why I have to come down on American Gladitors. I too fell victim to the massive marketing machine and watched the show. It’s an hour of my life that has been murdered and I want Jack McCoy to press charges. We will miss that hour because I could have been doing something more worthwhile such as picking scabs off a mule.

Seriously, what the hell went wrong with this show? The premise is there, so how can you fuck this up so bad?? My only answer to that is that the people that produced the show didn’t actually watch it as they were already moving on to the T-Shirts market for the 18 to 25 mullet crowd.

But maybe it’s something even more sinister than that. Isn’t there a writer’s strike on right now? (I’m with you brothers!) So how could this show be developed without writers. Surely the host, Hulk Hogan, can’t write his own lines. Or maybe he did and this is why we get him saying “Gladiator Manics” instead of “Hulkmanics.” It’s just rehashed, no originality, which is basically what the whole show is anyway.

Because I am under the impression that this is not a “new” reimagining of the original seris. What I think happened is that they just took a tape of the old 1985 show and just added some CGI water. They threw it on primetime and claimed it was new. They figured that the first time around the ratings were so old that no one would have seen that episode anyway.

Stick with me: It’s the SAME SHOW AS IN 1985. NONE OF THE COMPETITIONS HAVE CHANGED. I thought that this was supposed to be new, but it wasn’t. It’s still basically one black guy contestant, one white guy contestant, vs 8 big steroid dudes. It just didn’t change. Back in the day, they did jousting, wall climbing, running through a gauntlet of big dudes, and then the final race using a treadmill.

On this “new” show they did jousting, wall climbing, running through a gauntlet of big dudes and then at the end there was the treadmill. But I will give the stage hand credit here for making the only real change by leaving his rope out on the treadmill. You know that it was just some guy who was fucking around when he put the set up and left the rope out there. By the time the show started it was to late to go back and get it so he just told the producers it was supposed to be in there.

But I will give them one piece of credit. There was one new completion called The Earthquake. It’s basically sumo wrestling on a raised platform. Who ever falls off loses. There you go. That’s it. That and the rope were the only new things.

And please stop with the interviews with the “contestants.” No one gives a shit. You are not interviewing Reggie Bush. You are interviewing a copy repair guy who has “Big Dreams, gonna give 110%, there is no I in team.” When I was 10 I didn’t watch the show for the interviews. I watched because I wanted to see some guy get his ass kicked. That hasn’t changed which is the only good thing about the show that remains the same.

I just find the lack of creativity here disturbing for something that could have been awesome. The X-games are more exciting than this drivel, the X-Games for Christ’s Sake! Some pimply kid on a skateboard is more exciting than a 300 pound guy pounding some other guy and that’s just sad.

So find some different competitions for the “new” show. Let me help you out. Have the contestants fill out mortgage applications while the “gladiators” check there credit. Or maybe have a contestant push a stroller through the mall the day after Thanksgiving while the Gladitors throw poopie diapers at them. I could relate to all that.

But the writer’s strike is still on, so let’s rip off some other shows and see if we can get some synergy here. How about everyone is put on an island, survivor style, and a rat is dropped in the middle. We’ll call this dinner and everyone goes after it. Or how about locking them all in a house together and see who gays out first. Finally, let’s get Howie Mandel to host it and ask each contestant if they can beat up a 5 year old. The catch will be that the 5 year old’s dad is Titan.

See, there you go. In a little less than 20 minutes I have fixed the show and I’m not even getting paid.

But for the time being, as I’m sure that no one of importance will read this, let’s just take our Tivo and set it to give us a shock to the anus if we ever think about Tivoing this show again. That’s a competition.


  1. Mr. Chris C. Chris, NBC executive in charge of program developmentJanuary 8, 2008 at 1:03 PM

    Work in jugs somewhere and you're hired!

  2. One of the competitions will be held in a highschool cafeteria between the contestant and the Gladiator. The first one to rip off a shirt and some hair, wins 10 points!