Doing Hard Time

Prisoner 48726 sits in her solitary and stares at the wall. She is thinking about how she came to this point. She is thinking what went wrong and where it went wrong. She is thinking about frozen microwavable fishsticks.

She didn’t follow “The Man’s” rules. She knows this but she just can’t make herself care. Damn “The Man.” Jackass.

She is doing a five minute stretch and laughs at it. Shit, she can do a nickel standing on her head any day of the week. She thinks that giving her a nickel was a little bit of an over reaction but in this penal system, fairness does not favor the 2 year old crowd. She tried to claim age discrimination at her trail but of course it fell on deaf ears.

She didn’t even get any credit for time served as she was clearly being held in lockup in the living room for 2 or 3 minutes. She tried to appeal the decision by screaming loudly and doing the social protest but the only backers in the public that she had was the dogs and they eat the cat’s poop, not a great support system.

She has been in and out of toddler jail for the last 7 months or so, which is a little less than ½ her life. The experience has made her hardened but she will be damned if she sees fit to change her ways. They need to change for her, not the other way around.

This current stretch is on a domestic violence rap. She punched the dog, not once, but twice. When the prosecutor brought this up to the judge he went hard on her, especially once it was brought to light that she broke the #1 rule. You know the one, the one where they say “No!” once you do something once and you decide screw it, and then do it again.

But the dog had it coming and her street cred was on the line. She was playing with a big huge bouncy ball that her Uncle Bricksalesman got her and was having a good time. Then she thought she would throw it at the dog’s head and it would be funny. It was.

Then the dog decided to get uppity and started playing with the ball without her. He was jumping all over it and having a good time. She told him that she wanted it back but he just didn’t listen. What was she supposed to do, let him get away with this lack of respect? What is she, some sort of clown, is she put here for his amusement.

So she popped him. Right in the nose. She should have stopped but the bloodlust was already high. She heard “The Man” say “No!” but it was to late. Who the hell does he think he is anyway? She follows nobody’s rules unless she gets a cinnamon tic-tac out of the deal and she didn’t hear no jingling in his pocket. She stared him down and raised her hand.

She waited a minute while looking at him, trying to dare him from stopping her. Then she hauled off and hit the dog again and got her god damn ball back. The Man doesn’t know what it is like down here on the carpet streets of the living room. One show of weakness and the next thing you know they are chewing up your dolls and using your favorite snuggle buddy as a chew toy. At this rate, the cat would have been using her blankie as a place to crap and she couldn’t have any of this.

So she made a choice. Do the time or let her rep go down the drain. So she hit the dog again and it was all down hill from there. The five-o swooped in like it was a damn swat drama show and cuffed her. The trial was quick and her lawyer didn’t call any witnesses, mainly because he was the other dog and we all know how they stick together. Within seconds the punishment was handed down and she was on the bus to her Attica bedroom.

She’s kept in solitary while she does her time because The Man doesn’t trust her not to throw some bo’s while she is in there with other people. He claimed “for you own good.” Bullcrap. She knows that he’s trying to break her but a nickel isn’t going to do it.

She knows that the real reason she is in solitary is not for her safety but because The Man is worried what she would do to the other inmates. Yup, she thinks, I would be worried about the other inmates too. She can find no fault with his logic there.

But this doesn’t mean that she is going to go quiet or be the model prisoner. Screw that. She wants to make things difficult for him, let him know who he is messing with. Shit, the prison guards won’t be able to last 2 minutes with her.

She takes off her pants and then her diaper, let’s see how the chump likes that. And man, I shouldn’t have had so much juice earlier while watching the Backyardigans. Oh, well will you look at that, I peed all over the blanket. What a shame. That should show that peckerhead.

He’s got to come back in here sooner or later and until then, she will just sit and eat her goldfish crackers and sharpen her shank.


  1. Ain't nuthin' as sad as the sound of a sippy cup clinking back and forth across cell bars. Lookout for the telltale incarceration ink. I've heard the Metroplex Midgets are the craziest - they're the ones with the binky tats.

    They may be small, but there's strength in numbers. And lots of poop.

  2. Just an update, she made parole but unfortunately broke the law once again by flinging an apple core at the cats head. She was warned, at which point she went over, picked it up again, and chunked it one more time.

  3. Just going back and catching up on some reading. Honestly, all your posts are now my favorite...I can't choose anymore. YOu should re-post this. Maybe do like "Classic Cult" or something. These are too funny to be missed.