What the Hell Is That?

I have something on my pants leg. I have been staring at it for a good 45 minutes but I can’t figure out what exactly the hell it is. Seriously, this is starting to bother me. I get only about 45 minutes a day to myself and this is what I have chosen to do with that time today, stare at the mystery stain on my pants leg.

It’s an oblong shape, around 6 inches long. It looks like it was once liquid but now it has a hardened outer crust. You can see the stain where it first hit my pants leg and the crust makes it look like it shrunk back up once it hit my pants leg. I like these pants and don’t want to have to wash them everyday.

Seriously, what the hell is that? The crust has started to flake off like some weird sort of alien scab. It’s a pretty thin scab but underneath is got almost a yellowish tint to it. I smell it, it doesn’t stink to bad so what the hell is it?

Is it some sort of new jeans eating bacteria? It might be, I heard that they where having that problem at the club down at the airport. It’s supposed to eat away the entire jean until only a string is left. God that’s such a crap joke.

What about formula? No, can’t be that. I consider myself somewhat of an expert on old expired formula stains. They turn more of a brown other than the current scabby yellow that I see.

What about urine, there’s enough of that going around in this house with myself, two dogs and 2 kids under the age of 2. For those that are disgusted by this and surprised to learn that urine is not always contained in a toilet, it is obvious you don’t have kids. I would say that the urine only makes it to the toilet a good 80% of the time. I count that as a success. But this stain does not have the salty after affects of urine stains, so that’s not it.

It might be breast milk. That’s a good guess. I have to defrost the stuff and feed it to Bubba Hoss. They make you freeze it in this little zip lock bags. I want to kill the people who invented that shit. Have they ever tried to pour the bag into a bottle. No, I didn’t think so. But what else are we to use? If someone invents a way to make this an easy transition, they will be millionaires. But it’s not frozen breast milk, that has a blue tint to it and smells like a jock strap that has sat out to long.

Ok, what about the obvious: Baby vomit. That is the most likely guess. It’s gross, comes in a variety of colors, and stains like nothing else. I am something of an expert on baby vomit as well but this answer just doesn’t feel quite right to me. Baby vomit has more of an impact velocity than what I am seeing here.

I realize that I am limiting my answers to the earthly bound realm and not exploring the complete possibilities.

In the movies Alien, there is that pod creature that comes out all slimy and gross. They have 6 little grabby arms so that they can latch on and suck face with whatever vixen happens to be around their galaxy. That slimy stuff is what this stain looks like a little. Have I been infected and not no it? If I was, I bet it was Burke, that bastard.

If this is the case, then the little pod alien would have to come at me while I was sleeping because I’m much to alert any other time of the day where I wouldn’t notice something that big on my face. Unless it’s during the same episode of Backyardigans I’ve seen 1000 times. I tend to zone out. But I don’t think it would have worked when I was sleeping either. My wife is the king of Judo sleep. This is when her arms and legs flail about wildly while she snoozes, thus protecting us from face sucking aliens and hitting me in the balls. There’s always a price to pay.

But if she did karate chop one of those bastards then they would bleed. That could be the stain, alien blood. Though I might have to chuck that suggestion because their blood is acid and that means that it would eat right though my favorite pair of jeans. Unless I have acid washed jeans. And the hits just keep on rolling. I should so end this crap blog right now.

Let’s stick with the alien blood thing though, I like where this is headed. It’s either this or I hunt down Pablo the Penguin and make him watch his own episodes 1000 times. Ok, alien blood. Predator, that’s what is jumping to everyone’s mind. They have greenish kind of blood. When it’s shot up by Jesse the Body Ventura’s black buddy, it bleeds green although no one sees it. I would have seen it though, then I would have said something badass like “Show me your face and I’ll take away all your pain.” Yea, that would be cool and badass.

I think a Predator creature would want to hunt me because I would be a threat to them because of my muscles. That and I would be a very easy skull to clean, I have no messy hair on my head to get in the way of a good trophy.

Ok, so maybe I’ve gone off the deep end here. It’s probably just a combination of baby vomit mixed with kid snot. That is what it looks like which means that there is a good chance this will stain my jeans. Fuck it, I’ll wear them anyway.

But just in case, tonight when I go to bed I’m going to hang a large Brazilian rainforest tree trunk above the door to my bedroom. It will be triggered by a stick because that’s all you need to hold up a 2 ton hunk of wood. It’s really just a safety precaution. You can never be to careful when you are carring around guns like these.


  1. "It might be breast milk. That’s a good guess. I have to defrost the stuff and feed it to Bubba Hoss. They make you freeze it in this little zip lock bags. I want to kill the people who invented that shit. Have they ever tried to pour the bag into a bottle."

    Now, admittedly, I am not very familiar with the whole "breast milk" thing, but if you are defrosting it in disposable zip-lock bags and it is in liquid form when you are pouring it into the bottle, couldn't you just snip the bottom corner with some scissors, so that it would just flow into the bag in a nice, neat stream? Just a thought.

  2. ... sorry - I meant "flow into the bottle in a nice, neat stream."

  3. Not a bad suggestion if you were going to use all the breast milk in the bag. However, My wife produces milk like a Diary Farmer's best wet dream and each bag contains more than we use. But if she kept it to a minimum we could do that but use more bags. Obviouisly this is what the breast milk people want so that I buy more bags, damn coporate hijinx!