I found myself yesterday sitting in the house at about 2 pm. I had not showered. I was eating an icecream sandwhich. Jerry Springer was on the T.V. And so help me god I was reading a book from the Oprah book club.
I have been a stay at home dad now for a week and a half and it’s clear to me that there are some rules that need to be put in place, both for me and the kids or someone is going to be chucked out the god damn window.
So Rule #1—No, you can’t have a bite of whatever I’m eating. You can’t have a bite of my ice cream sandwhich, you can’t have a bite of my lunch time low fat fajita and you can’t have a bite of my cholestral medication. You have your applesauce and if you would quit throwing it at the dogs head, you might actually enjoy it.
Second on my list of new household rules: We will shower every day. If you would like to join dad in the shower, it is ok for now until you start either A: asking “Daddy, what is that” or B: Laughing while you are pointing and asking what is that. I feel that I am doing pretty well as a new stay at home dad but every shot at my ego deflates my confidence.
Rule #3: If any single hot looking moms ask you where mommy is while we are at the park, your response should always be “She left my dad with my brother and I and he’s all we got. He’s trying real hard but I wish he wasn’t so lonely and well hung.” Not that we would do anything, but I think it would add some spice to our lives.
Rule #4: Oprah and all of her kind are hearby banned from the Hossman Television. They shall be replaced by Anderson Cooper, he’s so dreamy.
Rule #5: Breakfast is at 8, lunch is at 12 and nap is at 1:15. Any deviation from said schedule will result in the before mentioned window tossing.
Rule #6: When Daddy is whipping ass on the Xbox, whether it be night or day, your only response should be “Whip ass, seabass!” It should never be “You Suck.”
Rule #7: You are not allowed to cry when Daddy finally gets to sit down and eat some lunch with his daughter. You are allowed to cry before or after, but never actually during. I have no idea what kind of sixth sense you have, my 4 month old son, but it’s starting to freak me out. Unless you can turn this into some kind of advantage during on-line video poker, please respect my need for food.
Rule #8: No one is allowed to kick anyone else in the balls.
Rule #9: No one is allowed to hit anyone else in the balls.
Rule #10: No one is allowed to bite anyone in the balls. Seriously, I didn’t think that you had that in you.
Rule #11: I will get you your Blankie as fast as humanly possible. Screaming “Daddy Blankie!” repeatidly will not actually change the laws of physics that govern my girth and allow me to move faster than the speed of light. It would also be a nice touch if you didn’t yell this while the Blankie is currently right in front of you and you don’t want to bend down and pick it up. As you may have noticed, my hearing is selective and my only response will always be to pick it up your damn self.
Rule #12: If you continue to tease the dogs with the goldfish crackers do not get upset when they push you over so that you actually spill all your goldfish crackers. Do not expect another cupful of crackers when we both damn well know that you have brought this on yourself. Daddy has no sympathy and you will not get a cookie to torment them with instead.
Rule #13: Let’s review the steps of going potty. First, pull down pants. Second, take off diaper. Third, sit on potty and do you business. DO NOT, first pull down pants. Second, take off diaper. Third, crap on the floor. Fourth, go sit on the potty and say all done. And let us also remind you that only poop and pee go in the potty. Not cell phones and remotes.
Rule #14: They are called hooters and you are free to point and stare as long as you like when we are out in public.
Rule #15: We will eat vegetables every day and apple sauce does not count as a vegetable. As a kid my dad made me eat a raw carrot everyday for lunch. Thank your lucky stars that I haven’t gotten to that point yet.
Rule #16: Everyday you should thank god that your mother loves you both so much. You should run to her arms everyday when she gets home because she is the only person that is saving you from getting licks. I grew up with licks. I deserved everyone I got. My dad once beat me with a vine. However, your mother wrote it into our wedding vows that we would not give our kids licks. So seriously, you owe her.
Rule #17: It will not bother me when you melt down in the stores. I will leave you in the aisle. When people look at me like I am a monster, I will pull out my old CPS badge and explain it is a new parenting technique and tell them to suck it because Rule #9 says we can’t hit anyone in the balls.
Rule #18: I will watch the same episode of Backyardigans as many times as you want to as long as it keeps you occupied enough so that I can read a book. However, do not come up to me and close my book, throw it on the floor and then grab my chin to point my face at the T.V. and say “Watch.” I will kill Pablo if you continue to do this.
Rule #19: Mommy and Daddy go to bed at 8:30 to have, um, relations. It does not help Daddy to hear that you are still up in your room banging on your metal garbage can. Cut that out or I’m digging us a basement and that’s where you new room will be.
Ok, that’s about it. I think things should run much smoother now.