Parent Like Hossman

There are a ton of parental advice columns out there. Blogs, magazines, TV shows, even the bum downtown wants to give you advice on how to be a parent. But there's a problem with that advice--it's intangible.

Look at it next time someone gives you parental advice. They say things like "You got to get out more often, get the kids active." or "Get a routine." It's good advice but in the end, it doesn't really deal with the day to day type things that parents have to do. Fine, I'll get a routine. But what does the routine entail? I'll get out, where should I go? What should we do?

One of the best pieces of parental advice that I got was that WD-40 gets crayon marks off the wall. WD-40, how awesome is that stuff? Good for lug nuts, good for child care. Surely the guy that invented that won some sort of Awesome Ass Kicker of the Year award. If not, I hereby award you Awesome Ass Kicker of the Year award. No speeches though, this is my soap box.

With that in mind, I'm going to offer some parental advice that you can actually use. Today. Tomorrow. Next year when you're in tears you will remember this advice from a stay at home dad who once himself won the Awesome Ass Kicker of the Year award. This is practical advice, advice to get you through the day. How do you parent like a Hoss? This is how:

Keep a wet/dry vac in between your dinning room and living room. Have you ever seen a 2 year old eat Cheerios? That shit gets everywhere. And then it combines with the milk, because lord knows that they got to have milk like a big boy, and it never stays in the bowl. Or on the table. Or even in the dining room. Without a doubt that ends up everywhere. And that's where the wet/dry vac comes into play. I leave mine plugged in all the time. I only take it out to the garage when company is coming over and my wife makes me. It will pick up anything. Little Hoss picked up the cat once with it once. Because I taught her how to use it. If she is going to chunk her peanut butter and jelly sand which then she can damn well go vacuum it up. 12.5 HP of Hoss parental awesomeness.

I also keep a beach towel safely tucked away under the kitchen sink. You never know when you are going to need a really big towel for a really big mess. One such as when your son takes the top of his juice cup off and throws it on your feet. Because that's funny to a 2 year old. It's fucking hilarious. I think a timeout is hilarious.

An air compressor, secretly stashed away in an upstairs closet, does wonders with dusting.

Kids getting to loud, maybe whining to much? Turn your music louder. Talk over Metallica? I think not.

A tool belt equipped with Windex, 409, a roll of paper towels and a couple of cans of WD-40 (of course) lets you clean the entire house without stopping. Just reach into the belt and grab the bleach. It's next to the screwdriver.

Maybe your kids have a little to much energy, driving you nuts? Toddler Mosh Pit.

Kids won't eat something? Put it on a stick. Meat on a stick. Who doesn't love meat on a stick? Meat on a stick with Ranch Dressing. Works every time.

Contrary to popular opinion, common sense and the users manual--a 3 year old can in fact use and operate a nail gun quite well. That's just general knowledge, something that you should probably know. I'm not saying I've done it. I'm just saying that I've seen it done while I was in the room and someone said "give it a try."

Never, ever ever hide your porn along side your kids favorite DVD's. You only make this mistake once. It will save you a conversation that I like to call "Transvestite Midget Tossing 4? Really Hossman?"

He who screams loudest wins. Always.

If enough cookies are on the line, a 3 year old and a 2 year old can find a way to work together to learn to fold a sheet properly. And put it away.

It is never a good idea to let your 3 year old drive the car when the cops are watching and the chief of police lives in your neighborhood.

Having trouble reaching that dish on the very top shelf? Your reach will be greatly increased if you put a 3 year old on your shoulders, tell her to stand, and without a doubt remind her that this is one of those things that she is not to tell mom about. It's a high wire act of cool.

Pouring some Pine-sol down the drain gives your house that freshly cleaned smell and will momentarily fool your wife when she gets home thus buying you precious minutes to enter your escape hatch and bug out before she discovers the dog vomit on the carpet that you didn't feel like cleaning up.

There you go, practical real world advice to get the job done. And remember, when life gives you lemons make lemonade and then add half of jug of vodka to it. That will get you through the day.


  1. One of the best blog posts I have read. I just found your blog the other day and am addicted. I'll be having my first kid in 2 months and plan on moving the shop vac in shortly later.

  2. Congrats on your kid and welcome to the Hossman Family. Join the Cult, save a squirrel. In about 5 months, when your kid is about 3 months, go out in your backyard and yell "Fuck!" as loud as you can around midnight. You'll feel better, trust me on that one.

  3. Big Scrum says your shop vac is to loud.

  4. Hossman, you are my hero for providing me with the WD-40 info. The unstuckable sticker misplaced on a favorite accessory has been unstuck. Thank you

  5. I can't believe that actually worked. rock on! I am your hero, worship me!