The Cute Little Girl, the Cute Little Boy, and the Resonably Handsome Man

This is a story about a cute little girl and a cute little boy in the backseat of a car. In the front seat of the car is a reasonably handsome middle aged man. He's not "oh god there's Brad Pitt" handsome but if you were desperate, you might throw your panties at him if he were on a stage.

They are traveling down a road. The windows are open because the cute little girl likes the wind when it blows in her face. She is giggling and then she is throwing gold fish at the reasonably handsome man driving the car. This makes her giggle just a little bit more. He's saying something but she is choosing to ignore him. She punches her little brother, this makes her giggle, too.

The reasonably handsome man in the front seat is starting to say some more things. Something about behaving, acting right,not throwing things and what she thinks is "Dear God in heaven, so help me....." but she can't make out the rest because everyone seems to be distracted by the pretty red and blue lights flashing behind them.

She's had a very exciting day and it looks like it just got better. The reasonably handsome man is slowing down the car and pulling over to the side. She thinks to herself to ask Momma what "shit" and "fuck" mean.

They stop on the side of the road, the reasonably handsome man, the cute little girl, and the cute little boy. Her window is still down. And then they sit there. They don't do nothing. They don't open the doors, they don't unbuckle the seatbelts, they are just sitting there. The reasonably handsome man has stopped talking but he seems to be trying to strangle the steering wheel. He's so silly.

She turns around and sees the thing with the red and blue lights come up behind them. It looks like it's a tricycle but it is missing it's training wheels. She wants one immediately and asks the reasonably handsome man if the one behind them is "mine". He says no. Oh well, maybe the man walking up to the car will share his.

He's a man in blue and he has a helmet on, the kind of helmet that the reasonably handsome man makes her wear when they go sledding down the stairs. He seems nice enough. "Maybe if I'm nice to he'll let me have his bike." she thinks to herself.

Her window is down so she waits for the man in blue to walk up to the reasonably handsome man, still sitting in the front of the car, still gripping the steering wheel.

"Hi!" She says.
"Hi" the cute little boy says to. He doesn't want to be left out, he wants the bike too.

"Me Little Hoss Daughter." she says introducing herself like the reasonably handsome man has taught her to do.

The man in blue says hi back to her and then continues talking to the reasonably handsome man.

She does not like to be ignored.

"I go play with Emily. Then, then, then, we go swimming and then, then, then, we play at plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyygrouuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnd." She says, putting emphasis on the last word. That should get his attention.

The man in blue is not looking at her. The reasonably handsome man is getting something from his butt. It's his wallet. She's not allowed to touch that anymore because this one time, when she was young, she threw it in the toilet.

"I want peanut butter jelly." She says.
"Me, too" says the cute little boy.

Nothing, the man in blue is still ignoring her. The reasonably handsome man is making a lot of hand gestures and may be crying, it's hard to see.

"I pooted! 'Cuse me!" And she giggles some more. Momma says she always has to say excuse me when she poots.

"Look, I have my blankie," she continues, hoping that her soft little blankie will distract the man in blue and he will talk to her now so that she can share his bike.


"Is it my turn?" she asks as the man in blue starts walking away from the car. Maybe it's not her turn. Momma says that everyone has to share, doesn't the man in blue know that?

She looks at the reasonably handsome man again. He's not doing anything now but he's definitely crying.

The man in blue comes back to the car and looks at her.

"Hi sweetie" he says.

"Hi. I'm 3."

"Yes, you are."

"Who's that next to you?" the man in blue asks.

"That's Bubba Hoss boy. He Little Hoss Daughter brother." she says. This is going quite well.

"No poop, just pee!" the cute little boy adds.

The man in blue starts talking to the reasonably handsome man again. It doesn't look like he is going to share.

"Sir," the man in blue says. "I tell you what. This is the last ticket in my book. And your kids are about as cute as I've seen and have been talking to me since I came up. So what I'm going to do is not give you the speeding ticket. I'm going to give you a seat belt fine because it's only 10 bucks and doesn't go on your record. I know you are wearing your seat belt, but this is easier. That ok with you?" he asks.

The reasonably handsome man shakes his head yes.

"Ok then. You have a nice day sir." the man in blue says.

"Bye, bye" the cute little girl says.
"Bye, bye" the cute little boy says.

The reasonably handsome man gets back on the road and the wind is in her hair again. The reasonaably handsome man reaches back and gives her another bag of goldfish crackers and tells her to throw all she wants. She giggles.

He then asks her if she knows what a pony is and would she like one.

*Author's note: completely 100% true. She actually got me out of a speeding ticket.


  1. Fantastic! It actually worked! Go get those kids a pony and name it blue.

  2. Wow! Kids are also good for getting you out of famiy functions. "Sorry, we can't go. So-and-so has to take a nap. Wish we could be there, though." It always works. And it's usually true, so there you go.

  3. Slow Down. That kind of lightening rarely strikes twice.

  4. The funniest aspect of this little anecdote is that Hossman drives like a bluehair.