The Man Code

I am troubled. Very troubled.

I keep up on what's hip and cool by watching the top 20 countdown on TV. It's my gauge for how the youth are doing these days, specifically our young men. And I have noticed a trend, a trend that has got me concerned. I am concerned for the young men of this country. I am concerned that none of them, not one of them, know how to be a man. It seems that young men today, according to the top 20, believe that they have feelings and are emotionally deep. This just isn't right. Who's teaching these guys how to be men?

Don't think the irony of me writing this post has alluded me. I'm fully aware that I spend my days changing diapers and going to tea parties. My question for you though is that if I have to write this blog, what the hell is wrong with you? At what point did manhood get lost for our next generation that a guy who plays a load of peek a boo has to comment on it? In fact, you should be ashamed, down right ashamed of yourself.

Look, there is a certain way that men are supposed to act. There are certain things that men are supposed to know and I just don't think this generation is getting it. So what am I supposed to do? Sit on my hands and let them go the way of the cream puff. Well let me tell you something--I don't think Commie Bob is sitting on his hands doing nothing. No, he's teaching his men how to be men and so must we. One day you guys are going to be out of college or out on your own and you are going to blow the biggest deal of your life because you don't know what the crap you are doing. Then you are going to get punched in the face and you are going to deserve it. Hell, it might even be me doing the punching.

It doesn't matter what race you are, you sexual orientation, religious affiliation or if you like purple V-neck sweaters. There's stuff you need to know.

Never touch another man's golf bag without permission. This is akin to cupping his coin purse while he's looking the other way. Don't do this, it's sacrilegious. If you want to touch his golf bag, ask politely. But you say "I play golf to, it should be ok." Let me put it this way--I'm married and have two kids, so it's safe to say I've had sex. You want me coming over to your house and saying hi to your wife? That's the swinger life style and a whole other blog. So leave the golf bags alone.

You don't have feelings. You are not deep. If someone asks you how you feel you should respond by saying "I feel hungry, tired, horny." One of those three. You do not feel forlorned. You do not feel abandoned. I'm not saying that guys don't feel this way. I'm saying that we don't talk about it. We keep it locked in nice and tight until we die. This is why men die before women do and I'm telling you that's the trade that we made. We all got together while you were feeling forlorned and said Hey, let's not talk about our feelings. Sure, we may die earlier but that's ok. It will get us out of a lot of long conversations. It's majority rules and you lost your vote while you were finding yourself.

If you are in Mexico and a man with a car battery comes up to you and asks you to touch it with a buddy, dammit man strap one on and grab the positive end of that stick while he turns up the juice.

You don't yearn. You never yearn. But if you find yourself yearning it better be for chili cheese dog with extra cheese. And it should be dipped in even more cheese. Not that good cheese from Whole Foods but that cheese that comes from the ballpark that you're pretty sure rats bathed in. And if all possible it should be fried as well. I hear that they can do that. That's what you yearn for.

If someone mentions John Wayne in a conversation and you don't know who that is, I'm going to punch you.

If someone mentions Red Dawn in a conversation and you don't know what that is, I'm going to punch you.

You are not lactose intolerant. Milk gives you gas.

The only men who are allowed to wear fedoras are Tom Landry and your grandfather because those are real men and knew the code.

Never cry in public. If you have to cry, we all do of course, then go to the nearest Monster Truck Rally and ball your eyes out because at least then no one will be able to hear you over the redneck yelling. You think people actually like to go to those things? Hell no! It's really just a bunch of guys crying in public. You can get away with crying in public if your team won the championship, but that's about it.

If you are talking about feelings with another guy, he better be a friend of 20 years or just saved your life while you were storming the beaches. Charlie is just looking for you and your gooey center so don't make it easy for him.

Clint Eastwood never made a bad movie. Ever. Even the musical genius of "Paint Your Wagon" explored the rugged awesomeness of his baritone voice.

They are called super Nachos and they are your friend.

You hate going to the doctor. I don't even know why, but real men do. We have a very firm belief that whatever is wrong with us can be patched up with duct tape and WD-40. You should grumble every time you have to go and always blame the wife. She understands this and expects this. It's in the marriage contract. You promise to love and honor her and she promises to take the blame for your little bo-bo and making you go to the doctor. It's just the way things work.

You know everything about cars, even if you don't. Another stay at home dad was talking to me the other day about throwing a rod and something about a cylinder and how much it was going to cost him to fix it. I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. He could have been explaining to me Shakespeare's lost play "Rods thou art Cylinders." But you know what I did, I nodded my head and agreed that he was getting hosed. I have no idea about cars, I can't even identify them on the freeway. My wife knows way more about cars than I do. But I fake it and so should you. And I sound fantastic when I do.

At some point in your life you have got to punch a wall. That's your release. That's how you get the bad mojo out. And it's cool to look at the hole you just put in the sheet rock. You know what, go punch a wall right now. Didn't that feel good? Sure it's a bad idea, but so was that bacon cheddar cheeseburger you had for lunch and wasn't that awesome? But before you do it, for god's sake find out where the stud is in the wall. Take the time to mark them all down in pencil so when you do go off the handle you can look cool doing it. If not, well, go tell you wife that you hurt your hand so she'll take you to a doctor.

Take a look to your right. See that guy? He's going to get thrown in jail one day because he did something stupid like not paying off tickets or stealing a golf cart and putting it in the lake. Why? Because guys do stupid things. It's part of our genetic makeup. What you need to realize is this: A good friend is a guy who will bail you out of jail. A great friend is the guy sitting next to you in cell saying "That was fucking awesome!" So which guy are you?

There, that should get today's young men on the right track. Being a man isn't easy. It's hard work. There's a whole behind the scenes thing going on and I'm sorry you weren't clued in. Somewhere down the line you should have figured this out but you didn't. If you ever find yourself in a situation and don't know what to do, do me a favor. Lift up your skirt and check underneath. See those two round things there? Those are your balls, you should probably use them.