Apporpriate for Work Blog
Don't worry, I've got you covered today. Look at that, a fancy chart. A fancy chart to fool anyone who is walking by your desk at this moment to make them think that you are doing very important stuff. Even the title of the chart is "Very Important Business Chart" so they know that you are working and not dicking around reading blogs about children who eat peanut butter and rob banks. Although that's pretty cool. See, I got your back today. You have no idea how long it took me to make that fucking thing and import it into this blog. I'm like a caveman discovering fire for the first time. There's gonna be some accidents and chances are we are all leaving here without any hair.
Today I'm going to rant for you, for me and for everyone. I'm feeling very ranty and there is nothing better than a big "Fuck You" list. Although as I am supposed to be more universal and professional I shouldn't call it a fuck you list. How about a "Fuck You Shithead" list. There, that's more professional.
This list is for everyone who feels like they are getting dicked over in this economy. For anyone who has lost a job or gone through layoffs when the company you were with just swore by golly that this was the last time. For any of us that actually believed that the economy was getting better, let's just bail them out and let it trickle down. For anyone who finally says "Crapola, I'm getting screwed." This is our revenge. This is our payback. This is the moment that we tell them that we didn't land on Plymouth Rock, Plymouth Rock landed on us.
Because we are tired of getting short changed. We are tired of hearing one thing and then seeing another. We are tired of the spin, we are tired of the press releases, we are tired of the guys making millions while giving us the shaft without the common curtesy of a reach around. This is for all of us.
And by god, I implore you to go to the comment section and add your own. There is somone out there, somewhere that deserves a good "Fuck You Shithead" and this is your chance to add it. Individually we are small, together we are a fucking club coming down on the heads of all you shitheels.
But first, another graph to make everyone think you are working:
1. Fuck You Best Buy. You want to know why you are going in the crapper? Because you treat people like shit. You sell me a crapola camera that breaks then you won't take it back and insist that I go through the manufacturer which is such a complicated process that I need a physics degree just to make the phone call. Suck my massive balls. It's called customer service and when you sell the customer a piece of shit you should really replace it when it stops working after a month. I know what your store policy is: Screw over everyone just enough so that you can keep the money. Stand behind what you sell, buttholes. What would it cost you to replace this camera, 20 bucks? Hell, I just wanted a new camera that worked, I wasn't asking for my money back. Now what is going to happen? I'm never going to your store again. And I'm a gamer. That's right, I buy like a new game a month and have been doing it for 3 years. When there are literally 1000 places that I could get the same shit for the same price, don't you think you should treat us a little better?
2. All the airlines, Fuck you. Because you are nothing but a big racket and we all know it. Where do you get off charging a guy double for a seat that went for cheaper just a month ago. Don't think we are fooled here, we know what is going on. You are screwing over the last minute traveler just because you can. We know it, you know it, everyone knows it. At least the tobacco executives eventually came clean and said ok, this causes cancer. Don' t you think you can at least do the same and be honest? Those guys were the worst liers in like 50 years and even they couldn't keep a straight face anymore. Just come out and say it "Look, we know that your brother just died and the funeral is tomorrow. But since you have got to be there, we are going to rape you on the price because we can. And by the way, how do you like our small little seats? That's just an extra screwing that we throw in free of charge." You could take customer service training from Best Buy.
3. Fuck you Movie Theaters. Cinimark, AMC, all you buttholes. 4 bucks for a watered down coke? Seriously? That's why I sneak all my shit in. I would rather that I spill my can of opened coke down my pants and make it look like I peed than to pay your ripoff of 4 bucks for a soda. It's price gouging. And your pop corn gives me the poops.
4. Car Companies, Fuck you. GM, Chrysler, you know who you are. You want to know why you were going out of business? Because your cars suck donkey balls, that's why. I mean, who are we kidding? My son just ate a box of crayons today and he's got more credibility than you do. You can't in one moment scream about the need for a free market and then piss and moan when that very same market decides you are nothing but spare fat and that your time has come. And get this, I'm a liberal and I still think you should have gone under. If you made a car with an alternator that wouldn't go shit out of luck EVERY SINGLE TIME then maybe you wouldn't need the bailout money. You see, this is how the free market works. You build something that I want. I buy it until I discover it's a piece of crap and find someone else who makes it better and cheaper. You either adapt or FOLD.
Is someone coming? Time for another graph.
5. Corporate America, Fuck You guys. There are so many companies that deserve this that I just can't name them all. You guys are the reason we are in this in the first place. You were busy screwing over everyone that you could to make a buck and now that this shit has gone sour, you lay people off that depend on those jobs for their families. Currently I would rather invest my money in a Nigerian Email Scam than with you guys. And you know what, chances are that I would get a better return from the deposed leader of Zimbabwe than with you douchebags. And here's a news flash--if you lose money you don't get a bonus. If you lay off 20% of your workforce, you don't get a bonus. How hard is it to understand that? Its like if I wreck my car into a bus full of nuns because I liked the sauce. I don't get a new car and a hooker named Jasmine who gives great handjobs. No, I go to hell. But first I go to prison and get taken from behind by a big dude named Clemons and he thinks I'm Oh so purdy.
6. Andrew J. Hall, Fuck You Shithead. Don't know who this is? Click Here. You dirty, dirty, dirty rat bastard. 100 million dollar bonus for a company that took 45 billion in bail outs? You know what, well done. It takes real commitment to reach a douchebag level that you are at. Oil executives are actually shocked at this. Saudi Princes are appalled at your money grubbing ways. Even Bill Gates that kind of cash is overkill. Dude, come on.
7. Red Light Cameras, Fuck You. Sure, I've heard the arguments that this keeps the city safer and it does. But you know what the catch is? That when people stop running these lights the city pulls them down because they aren't making any money off them anymore. So is it about public safety or making a buck?
Chart Me Baby, One More Time:
8. My Homeowners Assocaition, Fuck you. What the hell is wrong with you guys? Let me make this clear. You are not Genghis Khan. You are not Cesar. You are nothing but a bunch of old biddies and fuck ups who's only real power over your life is to decide which bagel to add to your every growing fat rolls. It's a homeowners association, there are no such things as "closed door meetings" when you are selling community owned property. Especially when said property is next to my house. You are not all powerful and your cookie socials suck. Oh, and PS--I allow my kids to pee in the pool.
Good lord it felt good getting all that out. Now I encourage you to do it. Jump on the comment section and give someone a big fuck you. You know they deserve it, I know they deserve it, the kid that eats paste knows that they deserve it. It feels oh so good, give it a shot.
(Dedicated to Amo)
Posted by Team Hossman