Welcome to Hossmom's Life

My wife normally doesn’t post on this blog. I really try to get her to sometimes just to give her viewpoint but she still refuses to. So there are times that I am forced to interview her to give you an idea into her life. Following is her answers to “What has changed now that you are a mom.”

My wife is the mother of 2 children under the age of two.

My wife is a vivacious reader. She still is except that ¾ of the books she now reads are about a lonely hippopotamus or a Llama who needs to find it’s Mamma.

Sleeping in for her now means that she gets to sleep in until sunrise.

Getting ready to go out is now a 3 hour marathon complete with volunteers handing her shots of Gatorade. And when she does finally get to go out she is always back in bed by 9 pm, every night.

She actually worries if the seatbelts in the back of our car actually work and are not just for show.

My son has learned that a new outfit means “Puke on it”. My wife has become the wardrobe coordinator on the scale of a Broadway play.

Instead of going to movies to see who will win the Oscars she now watches the trailers to see who will win the Oscars.

Instead of wearing a sexy bra to bed to entice me she has to wear a nursing bra to repel me. Its like she has a force field generator on the Planet Endor and the Force doesn’t work for shit. Her bra is now designed for easy entry for another man.

Fine china in our house has been replaced by plastic Dora Plates and easy grip sippy cups.

Her whole 24 hour day is now broken down on a 3 hour schedule and none of it includes things like sleep or clean.

Statements such as “Honey, grab me that bottle of Merlot” has now been replaced with “Honey, grab me that bottle of Milacon.”

Instead of flashing her tits to get free drinks in clubs she now flashes her tits to give someone else a free drink.

Public nudity is no longer something that bothers her.

She hasn’t gone to the bathroom by herself for over a year. Seriously.

Inviting company over for Tequila and Vodka shooters has been replaced with inviting company over for washable markers and Polly Pockets.

Showering daily has been replaced with showering optional and if she gets wet from my daughters splashing during her bath time, that counts.

A quiet house used to be relaxing. Now it means that someone has found the cat box an d is doing a kitchen makeover.

Walking in a home and checking out the d├ęcor has been replaced with walking into someone’s home and finding which areas are death traps for children.

“Your kid pooped” appears to be acceptable starter conversation for complete strangers.

There is someone pulling her hair and it’s A: Not Hossman and B: not sexy. She is now truly jealous of bald men.

Her hair coloring has gone from vibrant brown to purplish grape jelly with highlights of spit up.

My son gets more action than I do.

Maternity pants never go out of style.

She brags about her kids to anyone whether they want to hear it or not. She knows this and doesn’t care. “Ah, she’s cute” from the random stranger in Targe is her que to unleash an hour and a half speech about the greatness of disposable placemats.

She is absolutely sure that no woman my son may marry will be as good as her. I agree. Good luck kid.

She routinely finds that a good book she is interested in has the last 17 pages ripped out forcing her to wait and see the movie to find out the ending. Her direct quote to this: “Fuck that, when was the last time I saw a movie.”

My wife is the mother of 2 children under the age of two. Welcome to her life. We would be lost without her.

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