Life Through the Eyes of My Dog

Drop it. Drop it Drop it Drop it Drop it Drop it!

Drop the food! Drop the food on the ground! Drop the food on the ground near my mouth!

Don’t look at the other dog. She doesn’t like you, trust me, I know. I am the only one that likes you and the only one that deserves that piece of meat that you have in your hand. The other dog is just using you for your food, you mean nothing to her. I love you all the time. Drop the food towards me!

No no no no no no, don’t give it to the cat! The cat is evil, you know this! How many times has the cat tried to scratch you, huh? And who chases the cat away from you when she gets all uppity? Me, that’s right, me the dog. You owe me that meat in your hand.

The cat is a snob to and spreads bad rumors about you. Didn’t know that did you? Yesterday I heard her tell the plant that she thought that you stink. She did, I heard it with my own floppy ears.

I think you smell great. There’s nothing better than the smell of a fresh diaper if you ask me. I could smell you all day if you wanted me to. Of course, if you liked it, then perhaps you should just drop that piece of meat that you are hanging onto.

I mean, honestly, we both know that you aren’t going to eat that piece of meat that the big guy made for you. So what’s with this game your playing? JUST DROP IT!

Ya know, I let you eat my food all the time. You know that, don’t you? I could just push you out of the way and eat my dinner. But I don’t because I love you and I know that you love food. So I let you have the first handful out of my bowl. That’s just the kind of dog that I am man, I’m a giver.

And when the big guy over there tries to tell you “no” and comes to pick you up, who do you think gets in his way so that you can shove at least one more handful into that piehole of yours. I do. Hell, I’m a hero to you. So give me the meat.

Look, I’ll make it easy for you. I’ll turn around like I’m not paying attention. Then you can fling it at my head like you like to do at times. Then I’ll act all shocked and all and you’ll laugh and I’ll get my meat. How’s that work?

Ok, maybe you want me to do some tricks. Ok, fine, I can do some tricks. How about this one.

See, are you looking? I’m sitting because I’m a good boy. How you like that?

Ok, maybe that isn’t doing it for you. I got more. This one gets you all the time.

Look at my face, look hard. See my sad little puppy dog eyes and my slobbering. That took years of practice on the big guy. I’m almost crying, how about that?! Emotion on demand, I’m freaking Al Pacino!!

All right, I got some more. You like my tail right? Ok, watch this. Watch how fast I can make it wiggle. Look at that little bastard go! That’s right, it’s like a little energizer tail, right there. Yup, you are making me do that. You are that powerful and all knowing. NOW GIVE ME YOUR MEAT!

Hey, Hey! Don’t look at the lady coming at you. TURN YOUR EYES AWAY! Don’t listen to her, she wants to take away your piece of meat! Listen to me kid, she doesn’t want this happen so don’t look at her!

What has she ever done with you, huh? Has she ever dug in the yard like I have with you? Has she ever barked at all the scary sounds at night so that you are safe? No, that was all me. I was the one that barked at 4 in the morning last night because there was some clanking going on out there. And trust me, you don’t want that clanking in this house, it will steal your soul.

So don’t listen to that lady talking to you! C’mon! Your stronger than her!! Quick, just drop the meat in my mouth before she notices anything! We can do it in one quick movement, quick like a cat, quick like a cat, quick like a cat!

DAMIT! You let her take the meat away! SON OF A BITCH! Jesus H Christ hopping on a stick, why the SAM HELL did you let her do that? See, see! I told you, she’s just eating the meat herself. See, SEE! Now you got nothing, nothing at all because you didn’t listen to you good old pal the dog.

Hey, what’s that? What do you have in your hand now? Is that a stick? Is there meat on that stick!!!!!!! THEY MAKE STICKS THAT HAVE MEAT ON THEM!?

Drop the stick. Drop it drop it drop it drop it drop it!

DROP THE STICK!