A Christmas Miracle

My dear, dear readers. I feel that I owe you my eternal gratitude this morning. The prayers and support that you offered were overwhelming, surely my Xbox did not deserve such kindness.

And because of this love and support, I have happy news to tell you.

Last night I received my Xbox back and after a few tense moments, it started up without a hitch.

I am shocked. Not because it started up, but because it got back to me so soon. You see, my Xbox was only gone for 13 days. When I first called up the support center they told me to mail it in and that I would receive it back within 4 to 6 weeks. As you can imagine, this news was somewhat devastating to me. I had just gotten a new game and was about to dispense some Hossman Justice and now I was denied.

But somehow, someway—it came back to me, thus this was meant to be. I set her free and within 13 days she was back in my loving arms. I have no idea what occurred so that this could happen so fast. The only thing I can think of is the positive force generated by my readers, kind of like that book “The Secret” except less gay and full of crap.

I have no other explanations other than that. That my readers, in sure force of numbers and purity of their thoughts, contacted God on my behalf and got me my Xbox back faster than anyone could have imagined. God loves you all and so does my eternal digital justice.

How do I repay such kindness? How do I show the people that sent your good thoughts my way? How can such a humble man such as myself truly give enough thanks for what has happened?

From this moment on, I will dedicate my online digital ass whipping justice to you. Every alien that I mow down I will do so in your name. For every terrorist that I show American Justice to I will do so with you in my heart and your vision as my aim. For every snotty ass 16 year old that feels my wrath, I shall sacrifice his virtual character and lay the bytes at your feet in homage. Your greatness shall be known alongside mine. We will build a mountain of vengeance and chainsaw carved truth.

There shall be none that escapes our wrath. There shall be none that hide from our duty to honor you. Every horde that is lurking quakes with fear as I make this pledge to you. Every online gamer now quivers at the thought of this mission because they know that I will not stop until my debt to you is fully paid.

It will begin tonight. Tonight I will arrive once again on the online gaming world with a roar that Hossman has cometh, and with me I bring an honor bound promise to give tribute to those of you that made my resurrection possible.

Repent, you stoner college kids, because tonight you dine in hell.


  1. Hooray and huzzah! A Christmas miracle, indeed.

    God bless us, every one.

    (And although we appreciate your effusive profession of gratitude, feel free to repay in cash. Or beer.)

  2. How about jsut waying waste to the online world and making them praise your name, is that as good as beer?

  3. No.

    Now, if I could catch a buzz off of drinking in their languishing souls, perhaps. But otherwise, no.

    So, no.