The Commando Shopper

Trivia Question: What is a Pummelo?

Think real hard. What is it? Is it a thing or a place? Is it what you do to the guy who cuts you off in traffic or is it a small town in the panhandle in Texas?

Seriously, who the hell knows. I didn’t. I had no idea and it has taken me a good 30 minutes searching the all knowledgeable OZ to figure it out. It would appear that I don’t have a brain.

I went to the grocery store tonight to pick up some ingredients for dinner as I am also in the role of Top Chef now as well as chief poop handler. It was no big deal as I am also an excellent shopper unlike my wife who happens to come back with a 10 dollar magazine every time she goes. And Kleenex, I have no idea how we go through so much god damn Kleenex.

I am a commando shopper. I am in and out, no browsing. I have a list and we shall get what’s on the list. We do not wander, we do not check out the specials. We ambush the meat aisle and then head to the checkout. The guy that you may or may not see behind the stack of tomato soup with painted red face, that’s me. Or it isn’t, you can never tell. By the way, you might want to stay out of aisle 9 next to the spaghetti, there may or may not be a tiger trap there.

On this trip I was as efficient as ever and headed to the checkout stand. There were three lines. Two of them were really long and one only had one couple in it. I love the short check out line, it’s like winning a free tank of gas for the being the 100th customer.

I get in line and there is a middle aged couple ahead of me. They have a 5 items, one of which is a fruit. I’m thinking that I have scored, I should be out of here fast.

“Ma’am, ma’am! You rang this up wrong, it’s not a cantaloupe.” Says Ms. Dickwad as her tool of a husband nods his head next to her.
“Oh, I thought you said it was a cantaloupe.” Says the checkout lady who looks like she is only doing this to supplement her social security.

“Well I never said it was a cantaloupe. It’s a Pummelo.” Says Ms. Dickwad.

“A what?”

“A pummelo, it’s a fruit.” Says Mr. Dickwad. At this point, it’s the tone of voice that is starting to piss me off. I think we can all see that it is a fruit jackass. Agreed, I have no idea what type of fruit but to me it does look a little like a cantaloupe. I see no reason to get an attitude with a lady making minimum wage, butthole.

“A what?” she says again

Now everyone who has been to a grocery store knows that on a lot of fruits there is a sticker. On this sticker is a number that lets the check out people know what code to put in so that they charge you right. But Mr. and Mrs. Dickwad’s weird Pluto Fruit has no sticker on it and they god damn well know it. So our poor check out lady has no idea what the hell this is and what to charge for it. Houston, we have a price check.

“It’s a pummelo and it’s 1.78 a pound” says Ms. Dickwad with a swear to god was almost a sneer like she thought she and her pummelo where the shit. Look, I don’t know what the hell a pummelo is either, how about talking down to me?

But it would appear that the price check is taking to long for Mr. and Mrs. Dickwad. Now I know why this line was so short—every one could feel the evil coming off these people.

There are times like this that I wish to god the Soup Nazi really existed. You give the checkout people any shit and you get kicked out of line. That’s it, no debate, just get your ass out of line. Look, it’s basic line etiquette. You get your shit together prior to getting into line. If you don’t have your shit together, get the fuck out of the line so I can pay for my loaf of bread. Seriously, I got only three things here and you are arguing about a fucking fruit that doesn’t really exist. I have come to the conclusion that it really is a cantaloupe that has just gone bad and your to dumb to realize it. Either way, make sure it has a fucking sticker on it before causing a scene.

The price check apparently is taking to much time for Ms. Dickwad. So she actually leans over the lady’s counter and picks up the special grocery store book with all the codes in. This is the same one that our checkout lady has spent the last 10 minutes looking in. It would appear that Ms. Dickwad does not think that checkout lady can spell. I want to punch her or at least get my daughter to headbutt someone in the crotch.

Of course Ms. Dickwad can’t find her Twilight zone fruit listed as it doesn’t really exist and the manager has to come over. I realize that I should have changed lines by now with a turn of disgust but I am boxed in by 2 people behind me. We are all pretending to read the latest gossip on Britney but we all know we are listening to this ridiculous argument.

The manager says to just charge her for a cantaloupe and call it a day. Good decision my man, let’s just get this going.

But Mr. and Mrs. Dickwad protest stating that the cantaloupe is more expensive than the pummelo. Now I’m not a fruit pricing guru here, but seriously, it can’t be more than like 20 or 30 cents. Because all that shit is close together. Cantaloupe, watermelon, honey dew melon, it’s not like it’s 40 bucks more expensive. It’s not like you are buying the Rolex of fruit. And it’s not like these a-holes are hurting for money as she takes out her gold credit card, so pay the extra 50 cents just to shut the fuck up and release the hostages you have in the line behind you.

Finally the manager states that they will give them a store coupon so that the fruit will cost no more than 1.78. Fine, you have your victory. You just gave 20 minutes of shit to a nice lady who just likes to talk to people while at the same time fucking over the 30 people now behind you just so you could make it known to everyone that you are buying a Pommelo and not some ghetto fruit like cantaloupe.

They eventually leave, almost in a huff and I slide my bread over to the checkout lady who now looks beat down. I want to tell her not to worry.

Because I may or may not have left a trip wire attached to a claymore by the exit.