Xbox Diaries: The Recruiting Drive, Part II

The Gozarians, Your Mother’s a Horde, The Jesus Brigade

They are out there, thousands of them, perhaps millions, I am not actually sure. But I know that they are out there. With their hot pockets and ass sweat, I know that they are out there. Right now they are sitting down at their favorite chair, the one with the grease stains on the arm rests. Perhaps they are tuning out a loved one, maybe ignoring a wife that is telling them for the last God Damn time please turn that off and come to the dinner table.

Hell’s Satans, The Isotopes, Mr. Burns 3 stooges disease

They all go online with dreams of fame and ultimate glory. That believe that only if their significant other would understand they could join a video game league and slowly work your way from amateur to professional. They dream of this like most other people dream of money and fortune. But neither really matters to them. They only want the satisfaction of being recognized the best in Gears of War, Call of Duty, Halo, or Madden. They relish each digital kill they give, each tea-bag that they dispense.

Gibson’s Sugertits, James and the Giant Peach of Justice, Itchy Trigger Fingers

They put on their headsets each night. They have a pale of stink that crisscrosses their room. There Xbox Headset has a meely pizza pocket odor of molding dog and crotch fungus. Most are under 18 with their beady little eyes staring at the screen. Most will go blind by the time they are 30 but in the mean time, they will have the most well developed finger reflexes known to man. They feel no pain as they gently massage away the thumb blisters. They are ruthless, they are unforgiving, they want nothing but the destruction of the Xbox Hossman Army.

Napalm in the Morning, The Jerry Springer Allstars, Legion of Doom

They are the 14 year old in your neighborhood that apparently knows how to cuss, even though when he does he sounds like an idiot. They are the 12 year old that you can hear over the headset yelling at his mom to get him some damn RC Cola. They are the college pot smoker that says Dude, did you see the size of that Chicken? They are the single fat guy who’s one goal in life is to reach the secret levels of World of Warcraft. They are the IT guy at your office that you wonder why he never takes a bath.

Kirk’s Enterprisers, Team FUBAR, Hudson’s You want some of This

And they speak to you from thousands of miles away, degrading your mother, your sister, your dog and your choice of music. They say things like “I know you are but what am I” and “You’re gay, go play with your gay dog you gayer. Gay, Gay, Gay”. You hear them yell at their little sister “I’m going to use my chainsaw on you” or “Stop hitting me!” They are spoiled and they want nothing less than the destruction of Team Hossman and his army of destruction.

Hans stroking his Wookie, Jabba’s Creepy Pet, Team I Pay Taxes.

These are my foes. These are the people that must feel the wrath of Hossman. But I cannot do it alone. I need patriots. I need those that see that whipping up on teenage punks and college Hippies as a sport that is worthy of it’s own TV station, like they have in Korea. I need persons of exceptional valor and dead eye aiming. I need those that will not run from the fight, but charge headlong into it, all the time screaming My Captain, My Captain.

The Fat Feet Defenders, June Bug Vengence, Little Hoss’s Revenge.

Already some have come to the banner of the Hossman. I welcome these patriots like I welcome a brother. Gnl Mustafa, you are a good man and it is good to see you on board. I know that you are my yoda, my trusty sidekick who knows my moves like the hand of a sweet lover. Shh, it’s ok to have a man crush on me, Shh, just let it sink in a little bit. I know that you will dedicate yourself to wiping the online gaming world free of Mr. Teenage cocky punk, and we salute you for it.

Mundungus Marauders, The Inquistiors Squad, Han’s Grubers.

SPCOWP, it’s good to see you buying that Xbox and welcome to the Army. Honestly though, I have no idea how to pronounce your name. It makes it weird when I try to call your name on line as I sound like I have Turets syndrome. However, we appreciate your human shield abilities and for all the bullets you will take for us on our way to glory. Remember not to duck, otherwise I might get blasted by that plasma rifle and your whole job is to protect me. It’s good to see you pick up a controller soldier.

Sofa King Cool, I.P. Freely’s Johnson of Destruction, Opps I crapped my pants.

And VirtousKY, my combo Husband and Wife team. Do you feel the need to destroy the Alien Horde as they come up from the ground? Do you feel the need to calmly step into battle against the 15 year olds and have no Mercy? You must never hesitate, do you have the mettle to do so? I suppose we shall see.

The Hairy Palmers, Team Beer the Online Edition, Digital Death from Above

That is the army as it stands now, but we need new recruits. We need you, we want you. We offer you opportunity in the digital landscape of mayhem and destruction that you cannot find in the real world. Do you think you have what it takes to join Hossman’s Clan? Do you have the inner passion to defend America from threats both foreign and domestic?

The Wrath of Kahn, Spocks Mind Melders, Team Boobies

Ask yourself now if you can meet the qualifications for recruits, because we don’t take everyone. Are you married, perhaps not having enough time with the dudes? Perhaps you have kids and not able to leave the house for the 8 hour bender you used to do? You are our kind of people. Do you find yourself wistful for the all nighter, maybe a little danger involved? Are you longing for you youth and bitter that you have grown old? Do you know that Bret Micheals was the lead singer of Poisen before he did the god aweful Rock of Love show that we can’t help but watch like it’s a train wreck because we are so hoping for some pixilated boobs? This is the team for you.

Good Ford People. 80’s Hair Band, The Youth Corruptors.

So take a hard look at your life and make the most important decision you have ever made: Will you join the Clan? If so, bring your best gamer gear and a team name. As you can see from this blog, I am still working on that. If some patriot has a good team name for Online gaming victory, leave a comment. If you can’t fight for justice and truth, support the troops, bring ideas. Tie a yellow ribbon around a tree, we will be home soon honey.


  1. FELLOW NERDS! Ready your breakfast and eat hearty... For tonight, we dine in hell!

  2. Classic--so I guess someone out there also bought the movie 300 this week. It so rocks:

    Give them nothing! Take from them, EVERYTHING!

  3. ummmm...you guys are super dorks.