Why do you have 6 beers on Monday?
1. Because it’s LBJ’s birthday and all Emplyees for the State of Texas got the day off. Who is going to celebrate if not for the government employees??? I’ll drink another 6 on San Jacinto day as soon as I figure out when that is.
2. Because the stay at home dad thing might be a little harder that I at first imagined. I had the whole day, yet I didn’t get shit done. Not one thing. I tried, but every time I was thwarted by either Little Hoss or society in general, which I am pretty sure has it out for me.
3. It’s what Jesus would do.
4. Because a drunk blog equals a funny blog.
5. Because the dude at the grocery store gave me a dirty look when Little Hoss would miss putting things in the basket and they would clank to the floor. Look, she is working on her aim. And as her father it is my duty to teach her how to shoot two and on occasion take a shot from “Downtown”. Sure, she is going to lay up some bricks every once in a while, but she is getting better. Until then, we are just gonna keep on passing her those potted meat cans until she gets it right. And when she dunks, and she so will, I will make sure she posterizes you. Nutsack.
6. Because drinking during the Summer TV schedule makes TV much, much better.
7. Because pregnant sex isn’t awkward enough.
8. Because beer goes great with spaghetti. I have no idea why, but good lord it just does.
9. Because I got 3 loads of laundry done. And by done I mean that one load is actually dry and put away, one is still in the dryer but at least it is dry and one is in the washing machine but it is officially “washed” so my work here is done. Nothing like kicking back with a couple of cold ones after a productive day.
10. Because I can pass off drinking 6 beers during the work week as a way to “self-medicate” and therefore make it more understandable rather than saying “Because I felt like it” and getting judged as an alcoholic.
11. Because someone in the house, and I won’t name names, knocked down the wooden blinds and then proceeded to play with them until the whole thing was a huge mess. So an hour of my day was spent unraveling the knot of Hades and finally giving up and hanging them back up “as is” which gives me ½ the window as good looking blinds and the bottom half being jumble of crap. Let’s just say that Hossmom and Little Hoss are not allowed to touch the blinds anymore.
12. Because 6 beers makes it easier to write the cliché “list” blog that every blogger has to write. Like a list of my 10 favorite things that make me smile or the 15 best looking members of royalty and why I would marry them.
13. Because I had to get my 3rd cell phone in the last two months. The first one was dumped down the toilet by the great Little Hoss Magic Hour. That was followed up by her being last seen with my new phone and now it has disappeared. And for the first time ever, yes ever, I have actually bought the phone insurance. Who has two thumbs and doesn’t learn from his mistakes? This guy! Wink, wink.
14. Because, oddly enough, I am a much better Xbox player when I get a good buzz going on. Seriously, I ruled and didn’t get kicked out of any games at all. My vengeance was all over the World Wide Web. That and most of the kids had to go to bed to get up early for school so they were not really into it. But I don’t care, I won. I’ll take your pity, I have no shame.
15. Because I have a second kid coming and I haven’t got shit done. Seriously, what the hell was I thinking. It was me who wanted a second kid right away, I pushed for it. The new nursery has been painted and I put together a dresser. That’s it. Someone please, come through this blog, and punch me in the face. Then maybe I can realize that yes Hossman, this is actually happening and it’s time to move your ass you donkey.
16. Because I am much, much more attractive when I’m drunk. And so are you.
17. Because yesterday I might have crossed the line from being new funny guy to completely inappropriate guy. This tends to happen on occasion. The joke I made ended with something along the lines of “My dingo and I steal babies.” This did not go over well.
18. Because I didn’t get to eat lunch because Little Hoss had decided that what I had looked much better than what she had so she secretly switched plates with me like some weird three card monty game. Then I’m pretty sure she took 20 bucks from my wallet.
19. Because with the new kiddo coming I have had to abandon some of my hobbies such as golf and softball because I need to be around the house as my wife has gotten to the point where she is having a very hard time moving and on occasion, falls asleep while she is still standing. I’m pretty sure she can no longer bend over to pick anything up off the floor and that my daughter is making this worse by constantly throwing everything on the floor.
20. Because without a 6 beers at the end of the day, how on earth are you supposed to understand Klingon?
21. Because saying you fell asleep at 8 pm because you were drinking a 6 pack is a lot cooler than saying you fell asleep at 8pm in actuality you only had one beer and your drinking tolerance is so now so very low that that will pretty much whip your ass and send you off into the land of happy elves.