Please, Leave my Junk Alone

Welcome to another Hossman family debate.

Tonights topic: Vasectomy vs. Tubes Tied.

In the red corner we have Slamming Hairy Hossman, a dashing 32 year old Father of one and expectant father of a future Astronaut.

In the blue corner we have the vivacious Hossmom, mother of the new Adam and Eve, bringer home of the bacon and all around bad person.

Let’s get ready to RUMMMMMMMBBLLLLLLLLLEEEEEE!

Ding Ding

Hossmom: When a couple is done having children, men should have the vasectomy. Men should do it because it’s a much easier procedure. They should do it because women have been on the pill for most of their adult lives. It’s time that men take responsibility for their reproductive selves.

Hossman: Um, I don’t want a knife anywhere near my balls.

Hossmom: What kind of crap is this—Viagra is covered by health insurance but birth control is usually not. It’s the old boy network all over again. Women have to be responsible for birth control but a man only has to be responsible for the sex. That’s crap and we both know it.

Hossman: Um, I still don’t want a knife anywhere near my balls.

Hossmom: We both know that there is some 60 year old crotchy white guy at the top of the insurance company that has a mistress. So his getty up and go pills are covered while his wife gets screwed every time. Do you know how much we have paid for birth control over the year? We could build the space shuttle with what we have paid.

Hossman: Seriously, knife + my balls = me running away.

Hossmom: And lets talk about recovery time. If a woman gets tubule ligation it will take weeks of painful recovery. While if a man has a vasectomy, it’s a day procedure! He is up and walking around the SAME day!

Hossman: I don’t think you are getting my point. A knife, my balls, is bad. Is bery bery bad.

Hossmom: It’s always been so easy for the man to just run away and leave everything to the woman. And that’s because it’s a “man’s world”. Well, I got news for you, it’s about equal treatment now. This is 2007, men should have the vasectomy.

Hossman: I just figured, you know, since you were already on the operating table, they could just go ahead and you know, snip snip, cut cut. Bam, problem solved. My balls are saved.

Hossmom: It’s major surgery! With added recovery time! Ya know, they just don’t go in there with the Keebler Elves and build cookies. No, they have to actually cut the woman open and dig around her insides. Things get displaced and moved around. It’s major surgery!

Hossman: Have you noticed that our dog still has his balls? If I don’t want to cut the balls off my dog, um, what do you think my reaction to myself is?

Hossmom: Men are such sissies. As much as everyone talks about the “equality” of the world, it still isn’t happening. Do you know that a man gets paid on average 20% more than I do and I do the same job? That’s just an extension of this!

Hossman: I think you are missing my point. I have no moral objection to a vasectomy. I have no ethical objection to a vasectomy. I don’t even want any more kids after we have a 3rd. It’s no more than just an instinct to protect my balls. They are my friends, why would I want to hurt them?

Hossmom: If a woman tries to assert herself, she’s classified as a bitch. If a woman is sexually liberal, she’s classified as a whore. I’m telling you, it’s no more than men ruining the world. A vasectomy is a day procedure and it should always be the man who gets it done.

Hossman: I don’t want the Darth Vader knife anywhere near my Luke Skywalker balls.

Hossmom: Don’t you even feel the unfairness of all this? Of all the world treating women like second class, especially when it comes to reproduction? As a woman you HAVE to get married and you HAVE to have children. But a man, no, he just has to go out there and have sex with anything and everything that he can possibly find.

Hossman: I know I should care. I know that a lot of this stuff is unequal. But I also know that a knife vacationing at my chode and making the day trip to Mount Nutsack is not a vacation that I want to sign up for.

Hossmom: You have a daughter! Do you want her to grow up in a world where she will always have to struggle for respect?

Hossman: Again, my point—a knife and my balls are ideological opposites. One is the communism and one is capitalism. They are in an eternal struggle for domination. There is a Berlin wall between my balls and the knife.

Hossmom: I can’t believe you have this attitude.

Hossman: I know, it’s very shocking. But it is only because it’s a physical thing that has been ingrained in all mankind. A knife should not be anywhere a near a guys junk, so sayeth the Bible.

Hossmom: That’s not in the Bible.

Hossman: It should be, if it was written by a man. God’s man. That’s why he has had so many children.