The Absurd.

I want my wife to get fired from her Job.

Yup, I want Hossmom to get shit-canned, down-sized, laid off, No No it’s us not you now please vacate the area. Drop the spreadsheet and take the canolie.

Because that is the type of world that we live in. Up is down, left is right, cats and dogs living together, it’s mayhem. This is not because I am a bad husband. Truth be told, I am a great husband. I kill bugs, I do chores, I rub feet, I unclog toilets, I even on the occasion let her make decisions. When she lets me do that, which is never. But I am still greatness.

I do love my wife very much. I love my daughter very much. Sure, they both suck at xbox but atleast my daughter is getting better. She got her first digital kill on xbox this week. This may sound like a parent boasting about his genius child. It is. She is Einstein I tell you. Sure, she is only 18 months old but last night she stayed in a Holiday in. She then became enamored with my xbox controller and wanted to touch the buttons.

I swear to you, she then figured out if you push buttons, the TV screen changes and the guy moves around. Most of the time was spent in a corner in the virtual baby sitter world but she was laughing. Then she pulled the trigger button, launched a grenade, and destroyed a Nazi. It was one of my most proudest moments. You may be thinking that it was a mistake, that she was just pushing buttons. I dispute this. It was intentional. I saw the look in her eyes, it was one of vengeance. And you better believe that I gave the guy she killed massive shit about being shot by a 18 month old toddler. She is a video game prodigy, I will have to send her to a special school.

I hope that my next child will be every bit as genius as Little Hoss. My son is due in early October and we are starting to gear up for it. Already I am planning how he will run for president, cure cancer and eventually be able to explain why the dinosaurs disappeared. But to get to that point, we need a good start. So far, I am concerned.

I am concerned because I am sure that the world of evil corporations is after my child like a demented Rumplestilskin. This makes me think that I should name my child NEO.

My wife works for a big advertising agency. You have probably seen the commercials that they do. She went to talk to her boss about maternity leave. Through the power of high powered ESP, here is a recreation of that conversation.

“I would like to discuss my maternity leave options” Hossmom said as she batted her eyes.

“We hate children” the evil corporation said as it put on it’s fur coat and I hate Peta hat.

“I think that we could come to some decision about what is best for my family while still serving the company that I am very loyal to” Hossmom continued on.
“We hate families as well, we should really put that in our slogan—Families and Children: We hate them” the evil corporation said with a sneer and then kicked a puppy.

“But surely I will get maternity leave and still receive some of my pay?” Hossmom said, although by now she was losing hope.

“Fat chance Chicky. Our official policy on maternity leave is to punch you in the head first then kick you in the baby maker. Did I mention that we hate children?” evil corporation stated, then threw it’s non-biodegradable cup on the ground.

“Um, ok, I got that. But what is the policy on maternity leave. Surely you have to respect FMLA. I mean, after all, a happy family is a happy America. God and country and all that” Hossmom persisted.

“Sure you get FMLA and you’ll have a job when you get back. However, while you are gone we will still expect you to do all your work, while not getting paid” the evil cooperation said and then sacrificed a goat.

As you can see from the re-imagination of the above conversation, it did not go well. To sum it up, they can’t fire my wife on maternity leave but will offer her absolutely no benefits while she is on maternity leave. Basically, they told her that she could use the 10 personal days she gets every year and that’s about it. 10 personal days, which are sick days and vacation days, that’s it. That’s all the pay that she will receive.

To your utter shock I am sure, I do not find this quite right. The words Donkey Loving Bullshit come to my mind. Also, just to put you into further disgust here, they told my wife that she should not decide to quit while on maternity leave, as that would not be cool to do to the company. Are you fucking kidding me? You find it unethical to ditch you while you are not paying me? Yeah, ok, I’ll take that to heart. You bet, no problems.

The killer is that my wife fully intends to go back to work. Sadly, this is not uncommon with the corporate world. They treat pregnancy the same way they treat cancer. You get three months. They said that they would continue to pay her insurance premiums but big fucking deal—my wife is on my insurance so that means nothing to us.

At the end, the snake oil salesman tried to say that with all the other benefits such as a 401K etc, etc, she is compensated. That’s like me saying that Anal Ass Rape Prison is much better that Ass Anal Rape Prison.

I don’t get any of this. Companies expect loyal employees but try and screw them at every turn. Go figure. Their official policy on maternity leave is that they have no policy on Maternity leave. It’s better to just not talk about it.

I work for the government and I have at times had employees working under me. One told me she was pregnant. My upper management, a chick by the way, tried to give me some shit about it at first. She wanted me to try and “limit” the maternity leave. But the great thing with government work: state law and policy. I am a social worker and as such, can work the system like Ali, baby. I found that there is a governmental policy on this. And in fact, it’s very good. And if you don’t have enough leave to cover it, guess what, we have the option to pony up if the SUPERVISOR gives a good recommendation. Anyone want to take a guess what my recommendation said? That worker still emails me 3 years later.

I to, being Superdad, wanted to take some time off when my new kiddo arrives. I had the conversation today. I printed out the policy that says “Paternity leave” and not “Maternity leave.” We are the state, we cannot discriminate.

Here is my conversation, feel free to compare this to my wifes.

Hossman: “I’m taking a month off, then another two weeks when my wife goes back to work. Here’s the policy. I have 310 hours of vacation.”

Then I walked out of the room.

The most absurd thing about this all? If my wife got fired, say a day or two before her maternity begins, she would be eligible for unemployment. Think about that, what kind of bat shit crazy shit is that?

It’s more financially secure for my family for my wife to get fired. You have got to be fucking kidding me. Next week, I’m telling her to start breastfeeding a midget in her cubicle. That oughtta to do it.