My Mancard

“Thank you for calling the International Bank of Manliness, This is Sheila. How can I help you?”

“Hi Sheila, my name is Hossman and I need to check on the status of my Mancard, I don’t think it’s working.”

“Hello Mr. Horseman…………”

“No, No, it’s Hossman”

“Sure. Ok, tell me what happened Mr. Norseman”

“Hossman. Forget it. Anyway, I tried to use my Mancard this morning and it came back denied.”

“Tell me what happened Mr. Morsecode.”

“I hate you already. Ok, so I was driving to work and a jackass in a Jeep cut me off. It was pretty rude and I wanted vengeance. But when I tried to flip the guy off and curse at him, I couldn’t quite do it. It was almost like I was afraid he would pull an assault rifle out of his gun rack that was displayed and riddle me like the first scene in Robocop. I was quite embarrassed.”

“Hmm, mmmkay, let’s see what I can pull up here.” (compter clickityclack, clityclack)

“Okay, I see the problem Mr. Grossman. It seems that your account is currently in the Pansey Pink stage.”

“For the last time, it’s Hossman, it’s on your god damn computer screen. What does Pansey Pink mean? Why isn’t my Mancard working.”

“According to our records we have you flagged for several emotional outbursts over the last year and we have had to suspend the use of your Mancard.”

“What emotional outburst? I’m a freaking rock baby, there is no emotional outbursts!”

“The computer states that you have several instances of crying over the last year and that has affected your status with us.”

“…………………”

“Mr. Hossman? Are you still there?”

“Um, crying. Um, you guys know about that?”

“Yes Mr. Spiderman, we know all. We are all powerful and according to our records, over the 19 months you are turning into something of a sissy.”

“Ok, now you are just saying my name wrong to piss me off. Look, I can explain all of this. I had a daughter 19 months ago and, well, it kinda changed me. How am I not supposed to cry at the birth of my daughter???”

“That is not the instance we are talking about Mr. Honestman. Crying at a birth of a child is completely acceptable according to your Mancard contract. It was the other times.”

“Um, what other times, I have no idea what you are talking about.”

“We show that 6 months ago you cried while watching the end of the movie Glory.”

“huh, yeah, I suppose I did that. Have you seen that movie? It’s a tear jerker I tell you.”

“Yes, I’m sure. We also show that you let a single tear fall while listening to a song.”

“yeah but it was a song that spoke about father’s and daughters, how am I supposed to keep that together? I mean, come on, I’m not made of stone ya know. Cut a guy a break Sheila.”

“Sir, we do allow some exceptions but the fact that you have cried 3 times over the past year is more than we can allow. If we made an exception for you we would have to make it for everyone.”

“What do you mean 3 times? There was no 3rd time, I’m made of steal. Sheila, don’t bust my balls here. I need my Mancard reinstated.”

“The 3rd time was this past weekend. You cried in your car a little bit. I’m sorry sir but because of that last infraction we can’t reinstate your Mancard at this time. You are in probation status until you emotions are held in check.”

“Shit. But wait, that last time was because my daughter didn’t want me to leave and held onto my leg like a little leach. It broke my heart to peel her off. I had a softball game and was feeling like a worthless father. That should be allowed!”

“I’m sorry sir, but I do not make the policy here. Until your emotions are in check, you will remain in Pansey Pink status.”

“Donkey balls.”

“Sir, I would appreciate it if you watched your language. Now if you don’t cry for another 4 months you can upgrade you to an active member and reinstate your Mancard.”

“Look, Sheila, bubie, what about my history. I cried like twice in my 20’s, doesn’t that count for anything? I was tough once, I swear to god.”

“Yes sir, your account history is very impressive but I’m afraid that recent events are more of our concern. 4 months of good behavior and you can have your Mancard back.”

“Um, Sheila…………..”

“Yes Mr. Goldman?”

“I have a son that will be born in October, um, that may be a problem.”

“Congratualations sir. Of course, he can have his Mancard immediately and you may be able to use his at times. We appreciate your membership but if you will please turn your Mancard to your wife, we would appreciate it.”

“sigh, um, ok.

“Please instruct her to keep it next to your balls and as soon as you are in good standing again, she can give it back.”

“ok”

“Mr. Hossman?”

“Yes Sheila”

“Are you crying right now?”

“No, shut up.”

“Sir, this will add another month’s suspension.”