8/17/07

My Shame

It has about gotten to that time when once again I am becoming a little over confident and a bit full of myself. I am buying into my own image. I am the bloggin God. And like I have said in the past, this can be a very bad thing where all I produce is crap. So I need to humble myself. I have had this blog on the shelf for a couple of months and I feel that it is time to share it.

Have you ever seen the movie Goonies? You know that seen when the bad guys tell the fat kid to confess everything he ever did wrong. Everything that he was ashamed of? And then he tells the story of making fake puke at a movie theater?

Here is my version. Here are a list of things that I am ashamed of. Please remember that I am actually a pretty good guy and always have been. But like everyone, I have not followed the path forever. It’s because of these things that I had to come up with the Hossman Principles in the first place. When you curse me, just remember that once you thought I was funny.

My favorite song is by Poison. Have you seen Rock of Love with Brett Micheals? That’s why I’m ashamed.

I broke up with a girl in High school to date another girl who I didn’t really know. It was because of sex. That’s right, a little slap and tickle. I thought the new girl would put out. She certainly talked about it a lot. What I didn’t realize was that this new girl was hard core Christian with massive guilt issues. She had me take a shower at her house and watched but didn’t join me. She made me go to Sunday School class where they talked about premarital sex. That’s when God introduced me to Karma. Turned out she was nothing but a cocktease and psychotic. She wanted to get married right after high school. All I wanted was a blowjob. I never got laid.

On a road trip in high school I got out of a car a little to fast. I threw open the door and dented the car next to us, which just happened to be driven by a bunch of rednecks. I blamed it on my friend who was driving then calmly walked into Dennys and left him there alone. My other friend encouraged me to do it.

When I was a kid, I convinced my mom that my dad said to get 20 bucks from her so that we could go to the little league games. This was a lie and I spent the entire 20 on myself. Specifically on ball park pizza, burgers and candy. I puked for a week and got the crap beat out of me when my Dad found out.

I once punched my sister in the stomach when we were in middle school. I can’t remember why but my older brother beat the tar out of me for it. My respect grew for him at that moment.

Speaking of sisters, I once cut a good 3 inches of her hair out. While she was in High school, not when we were kids. I thought it was funny. She cried for days.

My wife and I, early in the relationship, were having a debate. She believed that being able to put down people was much more effective than punching someone when you are having a fight with them. Granted, she is pretty good at this and has a very quick wit. However, to prove my point, I pushed her out of bed. She landed on her butt and cried. I felt like a wife beater. I have been feeling guilty about that for 13 years. Who was right?

My sister in law yelled at me once for eating all her cheetos when she was pregnant. I knew she was pregnant, knew she liked cheetos and I ate them anyway. Completely on purpose. My other sister in law yelled at me because I ate all of her girl scout cookies when she was pregnant. I did that on purpose to.

A good friend of mine once fell off the top of the fence straight onto his back. He was gasping for air. I couldn’t help him because I was laughing so hard. It made it funnier that his glasses got knocked off.

My grandfather once caught me having sex in my girlfriends backyard. I was 14. He never told a soul. God I love that man. I’m not really ashamed of that one, but still.

My father is disabled. He has MS. I have used that as an excuse to miss class, ditch tests and miss work when nothing was wrong. I fear something is wrong with me. My brother and sister have done the same thing. I’m pretty sure my wife has to.

And speaking of MS, when we went to Disney World we got to cut in front of all the long lines because he was in a wheelchair. We rode the pirates of the Caribbean 8 times in a row. Totally worth it. My Dad loved it.

A friend and I stole 20 dollars worth of quarters out of the church charity fund to play the video game “Contra” that was in the local pizza parlor. When we were caught, I blamed him.

My mom worked full time while caring for 3 kids while my Dad had MS and had to go into a wheelchair. Needless to say, she was pretty frazeled most of the time while we were growing up, I have no idea how she did it. But……………I would tell her that I would need a note excusing my absence from school the week before when I was sick. I knew she couldn’t remember whether I was sick or not and she would write the note anyway. What I would actually do is skip school and play video games at the arcade. Christ, there are a lot of video game confessions here.

And on that vein: I once woke up at 3:30 am to play a video game for 2 hours in the middle of the night so I wouldn’t have to share with my brother and sister.

Also—if I knew I was getting a video game for Christmas, I would unwrap the present before Christmas, play the game, and the expertly wrap it back up. I was a freaking Ninja when it came to this. My brother and friends had a complete Madden tournament a month before Christmas—all with 4 new controllers.

My brother once made my sister drink mud out of a glass, telling her that it was a milkshake. Ok, that wasn’t my fault. BUT, I was the one that put the mud in the glass and stirred it just right so it would look like a milkshake.

I have not done a lick of work today, all I have done is blog. My wife is encouraging me to do this.

Sometimes I fake sleep when the baby was crying so my wife would get up and tend to her and let me get some sleep.

In college, all I could drink was wine coolers because I hated beer so much.

I absolutely hate bullies, can’t stand them, mainly because I got bullied a little when I was a kid. But my big brother would usually come around and take care of them for me. He kicks ass. However, once, and only once, I was a bully to a younger kid and I pushed him down. It was terrible.

I thought the word Shit was the funniest thing ever when I was 8 and would go around saying “Shit this and Shit that.” In front of grownups. My mom was so embarrassed. I’m sorry Mom.

I once left a glass of milk in my room for over a year in college. None of us could figure it out until we moved out of the house we were renting. It stunk so bad. The truth is, I was just to lazy to spend any time searching for the offending stench and learned to live with it.

I only ran track in field in middle school to look up girls shorts while they stretched. I was slow as tar.

I once beat up a kid when I was 10 who wanted to fight my brother. I did it because I knew it would humiliate him to get beaten up by the YOUNGER brother of the guy he really wanted to fight. I really didn’t know him at all, just thought he was a pecker head.

My brother once tried to shake hands with me after one of our fist fights. I hit him in the mouth when his guard was down.

I have no problem fighting dirty.

I’m glad that my wife if pregnant and not me. There is no way I could do that. I don’t feel guilty about this. Not even a little bit.

God forgive me for all of this.

2 comments:

  1. Hello,
    I was introduced to your blog about a month ago and I must say that your writing is awesome. Very entertaining! Keep those creative juices flowing! Congratulations on your second child.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I tend to laugh at funerals. I also broke my sister's New Kids on the Block tape and threw it in a creek.

    ReplyDelete