My State Authorized Biography

It has been a great Wikipedia week.

I started with Gandhi. He never won the Nobel Peace Prize by the way. Henry Kissinger did though. Go figure that one.

That led me to another question: What are the differences between universal good and universal evil? Not on the individual level. But those that affect millions and shape the world.

Which lead me to read about Mother Theresa. But you got to have a contrast to that, which lead me to read about Joseph Stalin, Pol Pot and the massive nut job Kim Jong il—the North Korean Dictator.

I started feeling a little creepy after that and had to go take a shower.

Ok, so I went back to the goodness. I read about Amnesty International, MLK and that guy in India that gives out 100 dollar loans and won the Nobel Peace Prize for it.

But I couldn’t stay away from the nut job. I went back to Kim Jong il—massive tool. This guy is so crazy he’s in a different world. The one basic connection between all the nut jobs is that they create a cult of personality. Think of it as brainwashing millions so that they believe anything you tell them. Between those three, they’ve killed about 50 million people on the conservative estimate. Every aspect of their citizens lives are controlled totally by the government. Imagine if your choices were to believe that I created gravity or death, which do you think you would choose?

Everything that is written or spoken must come from them, including science. For example, if Kim Jong-il says that there is no moon, people will say yes, he is right, there is no moon. There are actually teams of people that go around and photoshop old pictures so it conforms to his their views. Say that one day I decide that my best friend is to uppity and have him killed. They would then go around and take him out of all state pictures. And people buy this. They believe this.

My absolute favorite tactic though is the state sponsored biography. This is where you jazz up your life a little, make yourself into a 007. Stalin didn’t actually have much to do with the Revolution. Read his bio though, and it’s a different story. And that’s it, it’s the official line. Sure, I believe that you once lifted 2000 pounds Mr. Pat Robertson, as long as it is in your bio.

So in tribute to that, I offer the Hossman official bio as I am dictator of this blog:

Birth: I was born from the union of a Tulip and a Goat on a great mountain. My mother slowly wilted away as I grew only days old. In order to survive, I ate my father.

Early Years: I was self educated, teaching myself calculus, physics and Quantom Mechanics through the cunning use of sticks and dirt. I graduated from Oxford at the mature age of 5 having received every honor that could be given. From there, I decided that I must make the world a better place and therefore entered a life of public service. I was mayor of New York a year later, having won by a vote of 500 million to 0. The people loved me and I tolerated them.

Inventions: After tiring of running a perfect city, I decided that I should invent things as well. The following inventions are attributed to me: The sun, mathematics, the toaster, open heart surgery, the segway, and Muppets.

Continuation of Political Life: My heart could not stay away so I rejoined political life to become Supreme Commander of the Crazy in 1985. I loved the people so much that I hated them. I had to send everyone with a “Y” in their name to caves in Montana so that they wouldn’t contaminate my society. I also banished anyone with a vowel in their name after realizing that they too are not desirable. I then decried that the letters “O” and “A” are not vowels when used in the term “Hossman”.

Public Works: It was about this time that I decided to build the Pyramids in Egypt and the Grand Canyon. Both projects were finished in a day and cost 3 dollars to build. We needed more schools so I started the Hossman Institution of Higher Learning. It is now the most attended university in the world and highly sought after. It is mandatory that everyone attend the Hossman Institution of Higher Learning.

Scientific advancement: The sciences flourished under my golden rule. I proved that there was no such thing as blood pressure or cholesterol and instead found that ill health is due to not worshipping me. Therefore, anyone who was sick is denied treatment as they do not worship me enough. Thus, if you worship me, you live longer. It’s scientific fact.

Economic Development: I also decided that you should work for free and make everything that I wanted out of gold. Profits soared as overhead plummeted thanks to my new economic scheme of not paying people. Production of golden Nike’s quadrupled as I now have 4 pairs.

Military Leadership: As head of the arm forces of the Nation of Hossman, I lead an uprising against my neighbors. I annexed their driveway and their big tree. I allowed them to remain and tend to my land. I remade the army in my image, everyone has to be bald.

Legacy: Many peoples around the world have dedicated statues to me and my picture is everywhere. Through my good deads I decided that I was a God and temples were built in my honor. I will live forever and even if my body does not continue, I will be reincarnated in the form of a hot blond.

Welcome to my world.


  1. Not paying people? You bought my company?!?! Suddenly the world makes much more sense. Can I have my internet back now that you basically own me?