Concieve a child, Concieve a Name

Lily, Lola, Alanis and Rose.

Finigan, Kirk, Tiberious and Max Power.

These are all the names that my wife has so far vetoed in the constant game of “name our new baby.” And yes, I did try to see if I could name my new kiddo after Star Trek which did not go over well in the Hossman Family Home.

Picking a name is extremely tough. It’s not like naming the dog. That was simple. It was either Kahn or Zeus. We did not pick Zeus because I thought it would be funny to yell “Hey Zeus” when he was outside. That may have been a little blasphemous so we decided to go with Kahn.

But what makes it extremely tough is getting my wife to discuss it with me. She is the prime example of open communication. I have no idea why she doesn’t want to discuss it now. We are 13 weeks in and are due in October. By the way, do the math, it’s still 10 months. I would prefer to get a move on the name calling now, the sooner the better.

She tends to disagree with this view. I’m not sure if she truly feels this way or just likes to drive me slightly crazy. But either way this is the way it works so far:

“Honey, how about Spock?” I say.


“Ok, how about Conan.”


Realizing that she is on to me, I try some normal names to see if I get the same response.

“Lily for a girl?” I ask


“What about Alanis or Carolina?”


It’s at this point I wonder if she is even listening to me. My experiment seems to prove that she is not.

This not the way that it went the first time. The first time, we would come up with a name and write it on the Nursery wall. I was going to paint anyway so this worked out well. When one of us had an idea, we would write it on the wall and then go over everything about the name. To what does it mean to what possible nicknames could be derived from it. Is it a stripper name? Is it a name that will one day be called out by the Pope or by a DJ at Topless Mike’s?

Those are the things you have to think of. Is it Irish? Is it to Irish. Do two names go together? Do I even care anymore.

Of course I do. I do because I have a girls name and I’m a 250 pound balding guy. You’re damn right I care about the right name. I do love my name, but I had to learn to fight early and often so that the school yard wouldn’t be total hell. For people who don’t know me, they usually address their emails to “Ms.” Instead of Mr. I usually call them on the phone after that to freak them out.

But even the first time around we fell flat. We didn’t know our daughter’s middle name until the night before her birth. My wife completely gave up and decided that the baby didn’t need a middle name. I was ecstatic. Because not only do I have a girls first name, I have no middle name. I am unique.

That was always my dream. My daughter not having a middle name would be cool. It’s the next best thing to naming her Hossman JR. I decided that then and there, I would be ok with that and stopped talking about it as it was decided.

So the next time around actually feels a little bit harder than the first time. Maybe it’s because we used all of our good names already and have nothing left. Or maybe it’s because she read the blog on the honey do list and this is how she exacts her revenge.

Either way, we are not getting anywhere. I’m looking for a name that has some strength to it. A name that will make others stop and gasp when they hear it. They will say “My, My, what a powerful name. Let’s follow this person and make him President or the starting linebacker of the Chicago Bears.” That’s the name I’m looking for if it is a boy.

For a girl, I want a name that is sophisticated and independent. I want a name that will spark images of Helen of Troy if she were the CEO of Exxon. Names like Circe or Aphrodite, just without the sexual connotation of those names. Something that a DJ at a strip club would never, ever be able to pronounce, like Penelope.

But I want to stay away from weird names. No names that are not pronounced as they are spelled. For example, the name spelled “Mikkeel” but is pronounced “Mike” doesn’t work for me. I would have to punch myself for that one. Back in my teaching days I had a girl in my class whose last name read like it was pronounced “whore”. I kid you not. I could not say it so I asked her to say it. Yup, it was pronounced different than the spelling.

My daughter’s middle name was finally picked out the day before her birth. By me. I ruined my own dream. But I couldn’t help it. I heard a name in a song and that was it, that was going to be my daughters name. It was Juliet. That’s my little hoss. That’s the kind of name that I am looking for again this time.

If I could convince my wife to name our new kiddo Juliet Conan Steel I would be very, very happy.

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