Ms. Honey-Do

My life is basically controlled by women.

Not by the 50 foot women in the scifi film although that would be cool. She does not keep me in a glass jar with airholes punched at top and she does not keep me on a leash in the backyard.

I’m not just talking about my wife here. Let’s do the tally—I have a daughter, a wife, a little sister, a mother and a mother in law. On the flip side, I have a dog who I have refused to get neutered. This is my one battle that I will not abandon. My dog is not going out having mysterious one night doggy stands so there is no reason for his junk to be cut off. He’s with me night and day and damit, we will show him some respect.

It’s not that all the women in my life boss me around or force me to do chores for them. It’s not that all the women in my life beat me with a tire iron until I submit. It’s not that all the women in my life threaten me with calling the police and making up stories. None of these are the reasons that I am beholden to them.

It’s the way I was raised. As a good southern boy, I was taught to protect all the women in my life. If you are going to yell at my wife or my baby sister, chances are that I am going to punch you. If you scream at my mother, that’s a punching. If you shame the honor of my daughter, you better believe that that’s a punching. And if you break the nose of my mother in law while dancing at my wedding, well, I’ll let that slide.

So what does this mean for me, a man that cannot say no to any of his ladies, who strives to be the hero for them? It means that I get taken advantage of, that’s what that means. I can’t help it and I know it. The great thing about it, I don’t care either. Not one bit. I love it when they come to me, I am superdad.

However, they do seem to go a little over board on occasion with the Honey-do list. Every guy that is married has had this list. It’s a list of weekend chores that you are supposed to do. Some repair work, some garage cleaning, and hopefully some baby making with the wife at the end of the day.

The Honey-do list is the bane of my existence. No one ever gave Superman a list of things he needed to do, why me? Yes, let’s see. Clark, first you need to stop the earthquake, then save Lois, and pick up some milk on the way home. I don’t need written orders thank you. I do not need prior authorization from management. I’m a grown man with a very important job.

But they still come on from everywhere, although less from my sister as she is now married. My brother in law has my eternal gratitude for that. But I still get them from primarily my wife. Unless I’m visiting my mother in law, who’s always got one. And she says “just one more thing” every time I finish something else. Fix my garage. Ok, done. Oh, one more thing, I need you to hang the shelves. Ok, got it. One more thing, lay some carpet it will you.

So yeah, it’s gets a little busy and a little frustrating. I try not to wonder aloud why I have to get the car inspected when anyone can just drive over to the garage.

But being superdad also means that I am supercrafty. Take heed you other husbands out there, and listen to Hossman’s advice. This is how to beat the Honey-do list. When all you want to do is just watch the damn game, pull out this blog and your problems will be solved.

My wife and I are in the process of moving which means a lot of Honey do. I’ve had a major list for the last two weeks. This is how you handle it.

1. Get her out of the house. I don’t care how you do it, but do it. Trust me, this will make your life much, much easier. Suggest that she go buy some new shoes or get her a massage. Then tell her that as you are going to be so busy doing the list that it would help if she took the baby as well. The 400 bucks she will spend should be considered adequate payment for you relaxation time.

2. Make the list yourself. Seriously, take her suggestions and then make the list yourself. Take control of it. If you were in the space shuttle coming in on a tough reentry, you wouldn’t want a monkey behind the wheel would you? Winner’s always ask for the ball, be a winner.

3. Break down each task on the list to it’s most essential functions. If re-caulking the tub is on your list, divide it like this: 1. Buy caulk at home depot. 2. Buy caulk gun. 3. Buy rags for extra caulk. 4. Clean out old caulk. 5. Apply new caulk. 6. Check back in three hours to see if new caulk is dry. Why do this you may ask? Simple perception boys, simple perception. It’s about quantity, not quality. If she sees that you have 6 things on your honey-do list, she may think that you are busting your ass. Multiply that by only 3 true tasks and all of a sudden you have 18 things on your list. Genius, pure genius.

4. Never, ever let her examine the list. She should only observe it from a long way away. It’s like the nuclear football. Chain it to your wrist and never let it out of your site. This is essential.

5. Mark things off with a red pen. This is for a visual effect so that she can see how much you are accomplishing. Think about it. You hold up the list after re-caulking the bathtub and you have 6 things marked out. This gives the impression that you are uber worker even though it only took you 30 minutes. She won’t know, you sent her to buy a new purse.

6. Make it a very big deal about how much you have accomplished. Not with specifics, that’s a rookie mistake. Say things like “man, I’ve done 22 things off my list today, I’m tired.” Do that constantly. What this will remind her is that while you were busting your ass, she was taking it easy. Enter the guilt factor.

7. Always take her suggestions about what goes on the list. If she wants you to clean the garage, say “Honey, that’s a great idea, I’ll put it on the end of the list.” Then hold up the list so she can see how much is on it thus buying you more goof off time.

8. Add to the list any crap, quick tasks that bug her. Like changing the batteries in the smoke alarms. This takes less than 2 minutes but it’s another thing on the list. Remember, it’s about impression. For example, I put on my list “Fix Blinds” when all that was needed was to put the border up on top of it. Less than a 50 second job with a chair. This will give her something to look at while inspecting your work giving the impression that you have been busting your hump all day.

So that’s it. That’s how you beat the system. I know, it’s a little underhanded, but it’s necessary if you are ever going to watch the playoffs. This is how it really works.

You go buy the caulk and the caulk gun from the store. A 20 minute trip. You have just marked off 2 things from the list. You come home, play some xbox for about 30 minutes. Next step, you tear up an old t-shirt for rags, no need to buy something new and waste time. That’s one more from the list. Play more Xbox. Rip out the old caulk from the tub. This does take some time, take frequent breaks. Mark it off the list, start watching the game. Pause after 5 minutes of game time has elapsed. Put new caulk in, mark it off your list, watch the rest of the first half of the game. Half time, check on new caulk, make touch ups, play more Xbox. Clean up any mess left over by throwing it away, you can always buy more new caulk for 2 bucks and waste more time. Play more Xbox, make nachos, watch second half. Fix 2 easy things, like declogging the drain (draino—just pour and stare, less than a minute to do) or washing the dishes (place them on the floor first for the dogs then straight to the dishwasher, very easy).

She will come home and then you take her on a tour of all the things that you have done. Tell her that you are exhausted while you listen to her shopping trip. Ask her how the massage was, work the guilt.

Then exhale, slump your shoulders and say:

“Babe, I’m kinda beat, do you mind if I go upstairs and play some xbox for about an hour?”