Lucky Lotto

I try very hard not to rant on this blog as who likes an opinionated jackass? But good God, sometimes you just can’t help it.

I hate people that play the lottery at the gas station. There are many reasons for this, but let me tell the story and then you decide.

I was on my way home to pick up my daughter. I have this routine down to the minute. I leave work at Exactly 4:42. By 5:08 I am at my exit. At roughly 5:15 I pull into the gas station. I do this every couple of days to fill up and get some nice, good, great tobacco.

I saunter inside, comfortable that I can make the 5:30 deadline to pick up the squid. It is very important that I am on time. It’s not that our babysitter charges a late fee. However, she love to ridicule. That’s my main motivation here. I don’t want my babysitter to give me judgment eyes while I explain why I am late. It is always followed by a sigh after I complete my story. It’s like telling your teacher why you didn’t have your homework. You know that they don’t believe you, they think you are full of bunk, and infact are mentally composing a letter to your parents about how you are a reject. That’s my babysitter.

I go inside and get in the line, which at this time is only 2 people ahead of me. No problem.

After not moving for a good 3 minutes, I start to wonder what the hell is going on. There is some sort of conversation going on up there.

“Ummm, how about the Lucky Lady, give me one of those, ummm, 2 of the Moneybags, 5 of the Megawinners, and lets see……………………” pause for a good 2 more minutes as she pursues the Plexiglas case of give me your money Lottery scratch off tickets.

“Yeah, ok, 3 more of the Johnny Cashes, that’s it”.

How is she going to pay for these? Why, with old scratch off tickets of course!

Crap, I am stuck behind the scratch off lottery player.

I am going to make a generalization here. You will find it true for the majority of “serious” lotto players. This is not the ones that play every once in a while. These are the people that put “Lottery Scratch off Professional” on their tax forms.

They usually have a limp of some sort. This prevents them from actually moving quickly to the line. I am not making fun of disabled people, but just pointing out a fact. This also makes it difficult to see the tickets for sale and thus they have to get a stool, climb on the counter like a grand piano, and sing out their selections.

Second, they will always ask the gas station clerk which ones are “hitting” or “hot”. Let me tell you, I did a gas station job for 3 months in college. We don’t know. The clerk has no idea which ones are going to win or not and could usually care less. Don’t make small talk, please? Just buy YOUR FUCKING TICKETS.

Third: They will always buy their current tickets with their old $1.00 winning tickets. This is normally a smart gambling move as you are using the house’s money. However, these cards have to go through an electronic reader which means that the WHOLE ticket has to be scratched off. They never do, which means the clerk has to do it for you. How fucking lazy are you that you can’t actually scratch off all of it. Is your carpel tunnel acting up, is that it????

Finally, and the most massive asswhip that there is, they are always shocked when they don’t have enough winnings to actually pay for their current lotto tickets. That means that they have to pull out their My Little Pony change purse and scrape up the extra 4 dollars in pennies and nickels. Math is not their strong point, which is shocking given that this is a numbers game.

You would think that this would end the transaction. Money has changed hands, now please god walk away. Nope, they feel entitled to scratch the new tickets right at the counter. Nope, no way, you have to go to the end of the line chump, which thanks to you has stretched out the door and to the local middle school. You don’t get another chance! And if by some small miracle you win another whole dollar, you do not get to cash it in again infront of everyone else.

So this is where I was at. Waiting for a lady to count out 2 bucks of pennies. ONE AT A TIME.

If I ever snap, this is the kind of thing that will make it happen. I find this odd as I have seen a lot of bad things over the years. I investigated abuse for 6 years, so you would think that would have done it. Nope, it’s going to be the Lottery player that is going to make me go crazy. I am going to snap and fall to the ground. I am going to rip off all my clothes, cover myself in gas station air fresheners, and call it quits. I’ll mumble something about Mega Millions, and then slowly fade away to crazy land where there is no lotto.

I finally was able to make my purchase of tobacco and gas and got the hell out of there. I picked up my daughter late and got the lecture even though it was only 5 minutes late. Yes, yes, so sorry, I will not do this again. It’s the lottery player.

The next day comes along and again I find myself in the gas station. It is there that I realized that there is something worse than the Lottery Scratch off player. It’s the Lotto drawing player.

Up at the counter, he has five tickets, each with 5 play cards for a total of 25 tickets. They are not filled out. He is bent over, at the counter, asking the clerk what the last numbers were. Then he starts counting in his head, every once in a while saying a number out loud. There is a god damn kiosk right next to the counter, you would think he would use this. But no, that would not delay the whole freaking store the 30 minutes it’s going to take you to add your birthday to your wife’s birthday then divide by 2, which is your IQ, butthole.

Fuck it, I turn around and leave the store. It’s not worth it. I secretly hope and pray that if he should win the 300 million jackpot that he blows it all within the first year on hookers with the HIV. Yes, I know that it is mean, but he has it coming. Here, let me make this easy for you. Your numbers are 4, 8, 15,16, 23, 42. Play those jackass and I hope that everything you wish for comes true. Although I also hope that a meteor destroys that new Chicken Shack that you are going to buy.