The Mom's Group

I do believe that I may freak out stay at home mom’s.

I’m not really sure why. I’m a pretty average balding handsome type man. I don’t think that I give off any pedophile vibes. I don’t go to the park wearing a bandana over my face. I do not drive a van. I do not give out puppies, so I’m not really sure what it is.

I first noticed this at the park with my daughter. She loves the park. Who doesn’t. If I wouldn’t get so many weird looks, I am sure that I would jump right back on the jungle gym and hang from my knees. Then I would fall and break a hip, so maybe it’s good that I don’t do this.

At the park my daughter desperately wants to play with the other kids. But she’s only 1 and can’t keep up with the older ones. She persistent though and continues to try and chase them everywhere. I think I caught her the other day making a bobbie trap in the sand, ready to trip the next kid that came along so that she would have someone to play with. I was very proud when she laid palm leaves over the tiger pit. She is going to Harvard, donations welcome.

It was a Friday morning when we went to the park. Hossmom was at work and I was just taking the day off to be with Little Hoss. There were about 6 moms there with their kids. They were chasing them and then getting in a group and talking. Some nice grown up talking, that’s good stuff.

My daughter begins to chase one of the other little girls and I’m following her around. She then tries to climb UP the slide. This is a favorite past time for her. I imagine that she already knows how to slide down and finds that there is no challenge in that. She is going to be an astronaut.

But there is another kid about to come down. Being the concerned superdad that I am, I grab Little Hoss and pull her to the side. She growls at me. I am thinking that maybe I shouldn’t have taught her how to growl.

The kid comes down and runs to his mom, which is behind me. I turn around and smile at New Hot Mom. I crack a joke, which is what I do when I don’t know people. If you laugh at my jokes, then you are good people. If you don’t, then you are a communist and I will report you to Homeland security. It’s win win. I’m all about protecting the country.

New Hot Mom gives a small chuckle. Then actually takes two steps back.

It was like she just saw something behind me but couldn’t get the words “look out” out before Jason Vorhes slashed my head off. There would be a scream that I couldn’t hear because my head has been lopped off. She would then run and trip while at the same time accidentally throwing her keys into a pond. This doesn’t end well for our heroine and nor should it, considering that I am now dead.

This is the look that New Hot Mom gave me as she took her two steps back. Granted, I was not looking my normal suave self. I hadn’t showered yet and what little hair I have left was a little crazy. I hadn’t shaved in two days either, so there was a little scraggy beard going. I was wearing a jean jacket and a white T-shirt. I also suppose that it didn’t help that I was wearing sandals with socks. I am very hip.

What I imagined to be a cool James Dean look was apparently interpreted as scary ax murderer.

She quickly scooped up her child and went back to the protective stay at home mother pack. I was on the outside.

I wanted to yell to her “Hey, I’m a safe guy!” In the course of my job, I have actually had around 6 background checks. My job requires that I have not only a clean record but also a “good reputation”. I want to whip out my background check and give it to her and show her what I do for a living. I swear, I protect children! Please come back to me! Don’t make me an outcast!

But that would have just been more creepy. The creepiest guy is the one pining for affection.

Throughout the remainder of our visit to the park the Mom’s group kept a good distance from me. It was like when you chase your sister around the table when you were a kid. One is always directly across the other side. Instead of the table though, the slide was kept between us. I would circle, they would circle.

Every time one of their children would get close to me I could see the mom pick up her Mother radar just a little tad bit more. I was like that lonely penguin that wanted to huddle for warmth with the big group only to be edged out. I was just the fat penguin alone that would eventually get eaten by a polar bear.

I know that I am not a smallish kind of man. With my beard action going, I know that I can look a tad bit scary. But it’s not like I am a lion waiting to pick off one of the little sick ones.

Mom’s say that they want a very involved father. They say that they want a father that spends time with the kids. They want a father that is not afraid to spend time alone with the kiddo. I have made a discovery this day:

That is crap. That’s right, you read that right. It’s crap.

What Mom’s want is for THEIR husband to spend time with their kid. However, as soon as they see a dad out and about with a daughter trying to get some playground time in, they automatically see you as a threat. Why isn’t he at work? Is he a bum? I bet he does meth while littering the playground with dirty AIDS filled needles.

Admit it, that’s what Mom’s think when they see a guy alone with his daughter at the park. Speak the truth here! Do not hide your true feelings, let the sunshine in on your shame and hypocrisy.

So my daughter and I left the park but had to stop at the dry cleaners first. I had to pick up my suit for the next time I go to the park. It has more pockets for my crack pipes.