7/25/07

The Un-Invite

I have been un-invited to my own baby shower.

Seriously.

No, no, you read that right. I was invited to a baby shower for me, then I was told that they had changed their mind, that the baby shower would not be for my new kiddo that is due in two months. Instead, I have been invited to the very same baby shower, it’s just now for someone else.

Ok, in a nutshell, here is what happened. I work with a bunch of women, who by the way, have now decided hate men. In my head I now picture them as a bunch of divorced skanks that no wonder their husbands left them. But back to the story.

I work with a bunch of women. One of whom is also pregnant and is due the same week that my wife is. Around the office they organized a baby shower for the both of us. They were going to do it at the same time. Think of it as a coalition of baby showers. I was told about this, I naturally protested that I didn’t want a baby shower, but they insisted so I said ok.

Then, yesterday, I was told in very low voices that sorry, the higher ups here decided that they didn’t want this baby shower to be for me at all, only the other girl in my office. But they then said that I should come with the rest of the office. And how could I not bring a gift?

So just so I get this straight, I was invited to my own shower, then dis-invited, then invited to the very same room, the very same time, to the very same baby shower. Ok, I just wanted to make sure that was clear in my head.

When my coworkers here told me they wanted to give me a baby shower, the first thing that went through my head was “Oh, Crap—Do we have to?” I didn’t want a baby shower. I do not enjoy baby showers. In fact, I don’t enjoy any showers at all unless they involve my wife glistening in a steam bath. That I can get into, the rest of them, not so much.

Because as a guy, you feel creepy and very out of place. I would rather be a hundred different places than at a baby shower. I really don’t care about the cutsie little gifts and how everyone gets so excited about matching sheets and curtains. And it always made feel so uncomfortable when every new gift was opened and the first words spoken were “That’s so cute, ahhh.” Jesus that bugs me so very much. I know a puppy is cute. I know that my daughter is cute. I have no idea if that new burp cloth is cute. I know that it is functional, I know that it will clean up the new kids food rejects, but cute? Come on, that’s taking it a little far.

So I didn’t want this baby shower in the first place but I gave in because some of the girls at the office were adamant and all about baby. I am so not all about baby. I am about teaching my kids how to rock out, how to growl at Klingons and how to give high fives when the touchdown is made. Those are the essentials of life, not a bumper for a crib.

When I was un-invited to the shower, I actually felt pretty good about it at first. But then the next day came and it started to annoy me a little. What the hell was this? How can you un-invite someone, then invite them to the same event, just making it clear that it is no longer for you?

Seriously, I don’t get women. I don’t understand them at all. I make no claims that I understand them. But when they get clickish and bitchy, I am totally at a loss.

What kind of Rock of Love crapola is this? Why am I now annoyed for something that I didn’t want in the first place?

I’ll tell you why, and please stop reading if you cussing and foul language offends you.

It pisses me off now because I have been excluded like some 4 year not picked for kickball. I have been informed that gee Hossman, your kid is nice and all, but we like other kids better. You are a Dad, therefore you do not matter, so please bugger off.

That is what has been grating on me and it makes me a little more mad every day. I have a bunch of high school minded bitchy chicks that are clucking around together and have decided that I don’t belong in the cool crowd. I mean honestly, what kind of shit is this? And then you have the nerve to expect me to come to the shower that is no longer for me? Are you fucking kidding me?

Whores.

I don’t even know why I care anymore for something I didn’t want in the first place. But now that they have been all shitty about it, fuck yeah I want it. I know what they are thinking, that they don’t want to come to mine and get some gift. Honestly, I won’t even fucking care what you get me or if you get me anything at all. But now it’s turned into this thing that is awkward.

I know women talk a lot about discrimination, about the glass ceiling and how they don’t get paid equal to me. I actually agree with all that and I think it is terrible. But I swear to god, at the moment, I would so rather work for a guy and an office full of guys. Everything is so backdoor with women. Rumor mills, snide comments and the slow destruction of your enemies because they wore the same outfit as you. And if you watch it, who’s fucking over who more? That’s right, a woman will fuck over another woman given enough time. I’m a pretty big believer in that.

If this was a bunch of guys they would say Hossman, we are taking you out for a beer because we know that’s what you really want instead of that frilly gay curtain rod. It would last all of 15 minutes, no awkwardness, just sports talk. That’s what I really want.

So how should I handle this? How should I proceed. Well, I started by delaying the writing for this blog for 24 hours. Mainly because if I didn’t, words like cunt would have been used because it’s the worst thing I can think of. Well, maybe not as bad as whore eating cunt. Or taint licking cunt whore—but you get the idea. So I won’t use those words.

But do I proceed the gracious route, the direct angry guy route or the backdoor jackass route? I know I should be mature, I’m 32 and don’t care right?

Yup, I just can’t. I can’t because I have seen Dads discriminated against all the time. I see women talk about how they want an involved father. But as soon as they see one that is truly into his family and kids, they automatically think pedophile or that we are losers. Seriously, what do you think would happen if I tried to join a mom’s group as a dad? As proof, read the story on this blog: http://kev.homelinux.net/?p=209. It’s written by a stay at home Dad. And I swear to you, women are so judgmental about stay at home dads that it drives me insane. So I am going to make a stand, I’m going the backdoor jackass route.

I’ll go to the other baby shower because I honestly like the girl they are giving it for. I will get a good gift because she is worth it and deserves it. I’ll smile and stay all of 15 minutes.

Then, I’m going to Baby’s R Us to register for my own shower. But I swear to God I’m not going to register for anything less than 50 bucks. That’s right! I’m going to register for 2 cribs, a rocking chair and a whole other load of shit that I have no idea what it is for. I am going to register for 3 different crib sets, some outlandish cashmere burp clothes, something made of gold and to top it all off—a breast pumping machine. Then I’m going to tell them where I am registered at.

At the actual shower, I’ll give a speech about how touching it is that all of you care so much and that so much effort went into this. About the same time, I’ll be getting ready to return all the outlandish shit that I don’t want so I can get the cash for a bottle of Whiskey, which is what I really want.

They’ll see all of this and think: “Who the hell does he think he is?”

I’m Superdad bitches.

4 comments:

  1. you Go superdad!!! would love to be there... As a woman, I'm embarrsed -we are a caddy group! Please send an invite to your shower - and i don't care where you're registered - i'm bringin' the whiskey!!!

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  2. I can only think of two words to describe how I feel at this moment: Shit Shoe!

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  3. Weird. I was doing a search for "taint licking cunt whore" and came across your blog. how odd that you actually wrote that phrase out.

    B Holt

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  4. I certainly hope for your sake that the bitchy work chicks don't know about your blog. Yikes.

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