It’s been 3 weeks since I started my no chewing tobacco Hossman Family Policy. It’s not a fair policy and it’s not a policy that was open for debate. However, it’s the official line and I have been following it for the past 3 weeks.
Pretty much all the time except not most of the time.
Right now I am not dipping.
As you can imagine, it has been difficult. I would put this level of difficulty right up there with the first Artic Circle exploration expedition. Except I’m sure they were allowed to dip when they were walking. So this may be a little harder.
But I know that I shall overcome and strive towards greatness. However after 3 weeks of this I realize that this is not the straight one week battle I thought it was going to be. It turns out, and I am amazed, that tobacco is HIGHLY addictive. Who knew, I take no responsibility for not knowing this, none what so ever. This is going to be a 6 month battle atleast. They shall compose songs of this fight, poets will argue on the best way to describe my manliness. For the future historians, I prefer to be described as Big Boned.
Through this ordeal I can’t help but think back to that movie Trainspotting. It’s about the Heroin addict that quit his addiction by boarding himself inside a room and eventually taking a nose dive into a used toilet. I nominate it for weirdest movie scene ever.
But he is able to kick the habit. And then something happens at the end of the movie, I heard it was great. Now back to me. I cannot lock myself in room for an unspecified amount of time because unlike Heroin Addicts I have responsibilities besides giving hand jobs for crack. I have a job and a family that require that I actually spend time with them daily. So I do. Although I realize that I may have been a little “cranky” during some of these moments. The important thing to realize is that I was actually there and not using a hired actor to play “me”. The thought did cross my mind.
Part of the whole quitting thing is that I am doing a program that is supposed to help me quit and stay off the “junk”. The program is supposed to give me daily tasks so that I remember why I am quitting and to help overcome my urges. So far, as you have seen, I have written a letter. I’m also supposed to look at my triggers for what causes me to want chewing tobacco and when.
This is a little more difficult. Because when I did that exercise, it turned out that I wanted it all the time and with everyone. I was a tobacco whore without a good natured pimp to slap me around a little. Basically, that exercise was a big fat waste of time.
Chewing tobacco is a little different than smoking. I can do it in my office without the fire alarm going off. I can do it around other people and they don’t suffer from second hand smoke. I can do it in on airplanes without getting kicked off or having to go to the lavatory—that’s British for bathroom.
But I continue on with the exercises because it gives me an excuse to look at porn in-between loading web pages.
Today’s exercise, which I shall share with you, is called “What to reward myself with”. This is supposed to be a list of all the things that I want to buy when I save all the money that I used to spend on chewing tobacco. It’s like getting to register for a wedding but without the supercool futuristic bar code reader gun or the actual expectation that any chump out there will actually buy you any of this stuff.
What do I want? That’s a big question. One so big that I’m sure it will turn into another blog and more wasted time. But as far as this exercise goes, what do I want to spend my dip money on? Interesting question. Given that I am almost always dying for a dip, what else can I think about. But, for you entertainment, I offer you my pain. Enjoy it. Here are the list of things that I am going to buy when I have not had any dip for 6 months.
1. A big, fat, pinch of chewing tobacco.
2. I am going to buy a plane ticket to Tahiti, rent a cabana on the beach and go out into the ocean with all the fishes. Then I’m going to spit on them with my dip.
3. I am going to clean up all the tobacco leafs that have fallen in my car, put them in a humidifier, then dip them.
4. I am going to buy my wife a big, old lady gaudy type diamond ring. Then I’m going to have it wrapped in a container. The container will be an empty chewing tobacco can. Of course, since I have thrown all these away so I won’t be tempted, I will have to buy a new can and dip it. I do it all for you honey.
5. I am going to hire the Dog Whisperer guy and pay him to teach my dog how to dip. Then dip with my dog on Jay Leno.
6. I am going to buy an 8 ball of Columbians finest uncut, get high as a kite and then go dip in front of everyone. Then they will not be able to give me shit because I was dipping when I was high and didn’t know what I was doing. I will have a new problem and my old problem won’t look so bad.
7. I am going to dip and then blame it on battered dipping syndrome. It’s so awful, so awful, I had no choice.
8. I am going to go to the evil Tobacco company and convince them to have a peace meeting with the crazy Californian anti-smoking people. When they are both together, I am going to spit tobacco juice on them because they are all a bunch of fucking nut jobs.
9. I am going to go on Oprah and tell them how hard it was to quit. Then I’m going to write a book about it. Then it is going to come out that I never quit dipping to begin with and the book was a shame. I will spend the proceeds from the book on helping bunnies with missing feet and more dip.
10. I am going to start a school tour of the evils of dipping. I will have tent revivals and people who will quit cold turkey when I lay hands on them. Time magazine will feature me as Hoss of the year. Donations will pour in. Then the US Weekly will take a very candid shot of me and a Meth Hooker through the seedy blinds of a hourly hotel. I will be wearing black socks with those weird sock suspenders. In my mouth you will clearly see chewing tobacco. I will say that I am ever so sorry, blame Satan and then go through spiritual counseling. At which point I will continue to buy dip for orphans.
Ok, that’s what my plan is. Thank you to those that have supported me during this difficult, difficult time. I hate you all so very, very much.