You may have noticed that this week I have not been writing much. You may think that I am a slacker, a lazy bum that doesn’t even that the decency to entertain you. You are right, I make no excuses for my lack of literary commentary for this week. But I also feel no remorse or shame for this.
It is because I am in a state of mental preparation. I am getting myself ready for a momentous occasion. I am fine tuning the body and the spirit for what it is about to receive. I have only until July 21st to complete my preparations. That is only 9 days away, so my free time has been taken getting ready. I have sacrificed my writing for something much more serious. July 21st and all of our questions will be answered. Are you prepared?
I have been re-reading The Harry Potter books in order to prepare myself for the final book. That’s what I have been doing with all my free time. It’s not that I don’t love all you guys and gals out there that have been reading, I really do. Just not as much as I love Harry Potter. I’m sure you will understand. Harry Potter is that big boobed bimbo that is easy that you knew in high school. How could I not go for her, even though I know it wouldn’t work out. Sure, this fling has been great. I am committed the same as you, but a man has temptations and sometimes he just has to give into them.
Now I’m sure there are many more questions out there. Primarily, how can a 32 year old man be reading a children’s book. To this, I say blow me. But if I go on TV and can’t use profanity, I would say that I am setting a good example to all the children of the world. That by my reading this book I am showing terrorists that Americans embrace free thoughts wherever they may be. I would say that by me reading these books I am breaking down the walls between muggles and the wizarding world from all over.
Your next question maybe how can Hossman be a Trekkie and a Potter freak and still get all the chicks. Sigh. I get this one a lot. Ok, here’s the truth, I don’t get all the chicks. I know, shocking. It’s not that I rank high on the nerd alert scale, I do. But luckily I have a little strength to me to whip some ass. I am a nerd with means, so I do get to set the standard a tad bit. Make fun of Kirk and Dumbledore all you want. I will be laughing right along with you to the hospital for your broken jaw.
The reason that the chicks are not beating down my door is because my #1 chick keeps them away. She does not allow me to have many friends of the female persuasion unless they were her friends first. In college I had exactly 2 friends that were girls. My future wife decided that they were both hot to trot and very quickly instructed me to dump them as friends. As my wife was putting out a the time, it was an easy decision. So these days I talk to my sister, my mother, my wife, and my female cat. That’s about all I’m allowed to do.
I was not a Potter freak before my wife, I was strictly on a low carb Trekkie diet. Watching late at night when everyone else had gone to bed. If someone interrupted me while watching Trek, I would quickly turn on porn and admit to masturbating. It’s sad that porn jerking is less embarrassing that Star Trek watching, but there it is.
No, my wife discovered Harry Potter and forced me to read it. She had to ask a 7 year old what the first book was titled. She got a nasty look and the judgment stare from future pole dancer but she did get the book. She loved it and eventually I conceded to read the stupid children’s book.
I have read each book in the series about 5 times each now. I can’t help it. It’s such a damn good story. It’s addicting, who can stay away. It’s the story of an 11 year old orphan that discovers, yes, this is not his real family and in fact he is indeed special. Come on, who hasn’t had that fantasy? I still think it now.
I am quite sure that one day the queen will pass on and the royal family, disgusted by the paparazzi, will abdicate. A big genology will have to be done for the rightful hier and they will say “Hmm, it looks like this American bloke Hossman is our new king”. I will make Xbox playing a mandatory high school elective. Greatness shall ensue.
So it is my wife that is the big Harry Potter dork and has basically forced this family to be this way. We cannot stand up to her level of bully so we go with the flow.
But I have found that the worlds of Trekkie and Potter merge quite nicely to form a special form of Superdork: Prekkie. We are the select group of people that dig most forms of sci-fi and are just looking for a reason, any reason what so ever, to hold a convention and dress up. We are the kids that when Halloween came, our costumes were over the top. We were the kids that knocked on your door with the pillowcase as a candy bag. And when you said, “My, don’t you look a little old to be doing this kind of thing.” We laughed and nodded along while holding our goodie bag ever closer to your candy dish. Judge us, we don’t care.
And my wife and I don’t care that you will judge us even more for scheduling our vacation to coincide with the release of the last book. Go ahead, make as much fun of us as you want. We won’t care when you judge us for going out at midnight to the Potter get togethers. We won’t care when you give us the side ways looks when we tell you about the Leaky Cauldren.com and how that website kicks major ass.
We won’t care because we will busy saying words like Impeditia, Stupify and Avada Kedavra. We will be busy discussing if Dumbledore is either alive or dead at this point.
And for the record, I will come out publicly on this debate. Dumbledore is alive. I have no doubts. For all you other Potter freaks out there who just know he is dead, I spit on you. You have no faith in Dumbledore. Doesn’t he always ask if you just trust him things will go right?
Doesn’t he say that those that are loyal to me will never find themselves alone. Look, he trusted Snape. So therefore, I trust Snape. Down you nay sayers! Down! If you don’t buy this, then obviously you are not loyal to Dumbledore and therefore you should not be able to read the last book. I have set a hex upon it. Go ahead, be a Death Eater.
And that, my friends, is just a sample of my massive dorkdum. Seriously, it may be the world’s biggest miracle that I am married. It may be even more of a miracle that I have procreated twice. It may be the biggest miracle of them all that my wife actually still loves me.
Or it could be that fancy bit of magic that I call the confundus charm that I put on her.