If you are stranded in the desert, you should pee on your boxer shorts and tie them to your head. If the times are desperate enough, you can also drink your own pee.
If you are cooking a fish in a make shift oven on a pacific island, the meat is done when you see the fish eyeball pops out.
Speaking of eyeballs--sheeps eyeballs are edible.
And to survive any remote location where you are stranded, all you need, above all, is a stick. Trust me.
I know all of this because of my new mancrush, Bear Grylls. He is my new leader. I will follow wherever my general leads.
Bear Grylls is a british dude, which disturbs me because my heros have always been Americans. John Wayne, Lee Marvin and Clint Eastwood. I would watch them any time I could find one of thier movies on. I once heard a story of John Wayne where he punched a guy out THROUGH a closed door. Seriously, how Hoss is that?
When I got a little older, my heros morphed somewhat but were basically the same. I still love Eastwood and the Outlaw Josie Wales, but true tales of bravery inspire me. My reading over the last year has been about true stories of escape and survival. One about being stranded in a rowboat in the ocean, one about crossing the Zahara with nothing and one about escaping a Gulag in Siberia. That's pretty hard core stuff.
And then Mr. Grylls came and became my new leader. He hosts a show called Man Vs. Wild for those of you have not seen it. Basically, he strands himself in remote places with nothing but a knife, a water bottle and a flint. I so want a flint now.
He then has to find a way out within 5 days. At first I was skeptical. Who is this British chippie? He says that he used to be in the British SAS. Ok, big deal, nothing that a Delta Force couldn't handle. He ain't so bad, I'm sure he wouldn't last a day in my overgrown backyard. I'm pretty sure there are some pygmy tribes back by the fence and the cure for cancer is currently growing in a mysterious plant by the large pile of dog poo. Let's see him navigate that within 5 days. We've lost some good men back there, I don't like to talk about it.
And then I saw Bear Grylls start eating a leftover carcus of a Zebra that the lions no longer wanted. Ok, that's pretty tough. In another episode, he came upon a dead sheep in some mountain. He was so excited because it had only been dead 3 or 4 days. I wouldn't have touched it and would soon call the maitre D to complain. Excuse me, I believe there is some bacteria death in my sheep sir.
But the episode that gave me the man crush was when he went to Florida Everglades. That was beasty. After I saw him survive this, I had to re-examine who my heros where. I started telling my wife about him. She noticed that my eyes were looking distant and I was doing a little sighing. Then I swooned. She pointed out that I had a Man Crush.
This is a problem. There is no way I can have a man crush. I am a very hetero male. I swear to you. I in no way, shape or form find the male body attractive.
In fact, I don't even find my body attractive. I have no feeling on it what so ever. I look at the male body the same way as I do a couch. Is it functional? I wouldn't want to hump a couch. So by that reasoning, I don't want to hump a man.
I have tried to talk to my wife about this but I don't think she gets it. Show me the most attractive man out there, strip him naked, put him in front of me and I will think the same thing everytime.
Can I kick his ass?
That's one of our inner man secrets. Whenever we men meet another guy, that's the first thought that goes through our minds. If he is bigger than us, then we come up with elaborate plans on how we would be victorious. Do I throw some dirt in his eyes? Perhaps go for the knee in a kung fu/judo move. The fact that we don't know kung fu or judu will totally slip our minds. After all, I have seen every single Chuck Norris movie, how hard can that be. I get a cool look on my face, sneer a little bit, slightly lean to one side and go Hi-Ya and whammo, his knee is shattered and I save the princess. That's how it works.
But I couldn't kick Bear Grylls ass. I know, it's shocking. And for this reason he is my new hero.
First, the name is pretty damn Hoss. Seriously, who wouldn't want to be named Bear. That's like being Max Power, or Max Power Steel, or Max Power Steel Muscles. That shall be my new name. Even though I love my name, it is basically a girls name. I want a name like Bear. From now on, every one should refer to me as Wolf. Or how about Cougar. What about Major Asskicker. That's my personal vote.
And to go out into the truly wild and survive on nothing but what you catch and what you make, that's pretty hoss.
His first lesson seems to always be: Get a stick. It's good for fending off Gators or building a shelter. If it's the right kind of stick, then you might actually make a bow and arrow out of it, complete with the made in China stamp. A stick will allow you to build yourself an elevated platform for sleeping or digging for grubbs. My million dollar idea is to start selling random lengths of sticks, have it sponsered by Bear Grylls and then keep all profits. I know everyone was expecting me to say "give it to charity" but let's be honest. That's the crap answer that is expected.
Think about it, that's what everyone says they are going to do when they come into money through the lottery or a lawsuit.
I would like to thank baby Jesus for allowing me to pick the right powerball number. With my money, I'm going to give it to the fight against Motherless Chimps, they really need our help.
I want to win this lawsuit to teach corporate America that they can't push around the little guy anymore. It's not even about the money, it's about the principle.
Cough, Cough, Bullshit, Cough Cough.
Let's be honest here, you will only say that when the camera is in your face. What you really want to say is that you are going to disown your family, buy an obscene house and have live in strippers and a pole in every bedroom while you blow through 50 million in a matter of 3 years. And the principle? Well, you see, that is still there and I really plan to help out those orphans, right after I sniff this coke off that strippers ass. After that though, yea, it's all about the orphans.
There was a lotto winner here who had 150,000 dollars stolen.
While he was at a strip club.
It was small bills.
You gotta respect that man.
So I guess I do have a Man Crush, but not in a sexual way. That's not saying that if he wanted to slap me around a little I wouldn't allow it. Maybe just for fun, you know, release some stress. I'm sure that while he is spearing man eating fish, hey, that can get very unnerving.
And I'm sure that this would have to be done naked. I mean afterall, the first Greco Roman wrestler's were all naked. That's just the manly way to do it. If the one of the most powerful societies on earth wrestled naked, there is nothing gay about that.
Look, the bottom line is that he has a wife and two kids and I have a wife and two kids. So there you go, no gay stuff. It's just some naked wrestling between two heterosexual guys to prove how manly they are.
So when you find yourself in that impossible situation, it looks pretty bad, maybe your leg is broken and you are stranded in the jungles of the Congo, just ask your self this question: What would Bear do.
He would grab a stick.
And maybe want to wrestle a little bit.